This belongs to Jesus as i do

This belongs in the journal of a woman' heartways but i will put it here for nw.

a stone of remembrance for me. wbe.

to belong. to have a mate who would stand up for me and say, 'she belongs to me'

that really brought a cascade of stuff.

The Jezebel spirit destroyed my marriage and it came from me. i was the one who was spiritually aware. He came to know Christ after we were married and my possession by this thing i read about last night, killed my husband in the 'Spirit.

That is why this dream had the caricature wife.

Message:

i rarely dream.then woke for morning'

i was your mail lady and had access to outbuilding to put stuff in. that you had for outgoing. your home business. i remember thinking and looking around the place that it was perfect for a quickie.

knew your sons. and your wife.

it morphed into:

at the opening, i was in my official capacity and got out of my postal LLV>but then

i came by after work with something to drop off to store (moving anxiety)

and came in,but i was not supposed to be in your house. you had family there.

your wife was one of the women on my route. (force of nature)

there were books. lots of books. i was delivering them to you but also storing them and we had cooked up some excuse as to why the books were there.

everyone went outside to the water to look at something. you made it okay for me to be there.

i was left alone in the kitchen with you (heart)

you put me up against the sink and kissed me like no body's business. surreptitious business.  but no words.

you kept one eye on me and one on the other people out by the water. through the kitchen window.

there was a chair kitchen wooden chair. an improbable mailing parcel.

at the opening, i was in my official capacity and got out of my postal LLV>

i did interact with the people there, but they were two dimensional.

when i woke up my lips felt as if i was just leaving you from a necking session by the ferry, lol

no recognizable face.

hola, baby. i guessed that one.

first dream ever about you.

first dream in a long time.

He got fear. I got that God was chuckling at our refusal to come together and putting all these man made things in the way.

Welll now i know that there was a powerful geas protecting wbe. his seeing in the spirit of the spiritual bond of marriage, which i carried and felt all the days of my marriage. he saw it for another actually happen in the heavenlies and on earth. That is his image. not the bride of christ. ok.

and yet he set me up to fail. i was all out there and he could have saved it both for us, had he said that right upfront and out. it is his vow, his thing. not a fear or a trust, but he is waiting for that and i get that he says he will 'know' instantly in the spirit. He carries teh breastplate of righteousness in a different sense so he should know.

That alone makes me counterfeit.

i operate on the sensual and the earthy level as well as on the spiritual soul level

a\this is the link.

http://www.albatrus.org/english/church-order/women-matters/jezebel_in_our_society.htm

http://www.jonhamilton.org/jezebel.htm

i had never even heard of this. that the fact i believe in the economic equality of women, the feminist thigns, the goddess things makes me belong to this spirit as a woman?

that i could go down the list and say yes to almost every one of these is killing me.

i see truth and yet i see condemning and i do not have the wisdom to discern what is actually real. i think this spirit is every woman. and some men operate this way.

i put holy oil on my head this morning and wept in abba's lap. is this why he won't give me tongues? am i really corrupt?

when i said, "piss on it, i will not be used against the man i love"

this had to come up. HIs minstry mate will be pure and like the homeschool christian woman. no shadow.

i do not know about soul mates, but i do know that if that is his guide and rod, then he has already taken my measure and i am found wanting becasue i did this thing in my marriage and i am not pure.

oh, my jesus. if that was my guide and rod, that vision that wbe shared with me last night, then i would be single forever rather than settle for anything less or else. i would die rather than settle.

when he told me that on the phone, i felt so betrayed. like i had put it all out there because it is real to me, but there was a hidden agenda a hidden standard i could never achieve to and i had been set up. like the kobiyashi maru. on star trek.

and unless this is something in him that lord has to un-vow, then my seeing is right and i am not his handmaid or his helper, i am the source of his downfall. the delilah.

as well i would rather cut off my right hand than ever be like that to a man again.

i am tainted with this thing. i wrote about it in the healing room thing. my response to the guy was classic jezebel. he made me feel stupid and he acted superior and yet, did he? or was he exhausted and overwhelmed by all the needs of people.. i was the last one in the room. did i lack grace, or was the thing he spoke over me the jezebel recognition that he called a tribal presence and why he had me step symbolically into a cleansing?

 i remember when dan said i would have to submit when he was first saved and i burst out laughing and i was really ugly to him. we were driving back to indainola and i even remember which curve of the road we  were on. his panic and fear in his voice raised the ugliness in me. i destroyed my husband with the jezebel spirit. there, it is out. and i am unfit to be anyones' helpmeet ever. there is no soul=mate for me? or is there.

my spirit is always ready to condemn me. i wanted to be married forever. i loved the sanctity and the covering. the man? well. did i really do that ...

and if all this is true, then i have been removed from this man because i am not his soul mate. and i think it is that same spirit in me that says that is not even possible?

all the psychology in the world can't explain the LORD.

that critical spirit that He removed and worked on for so many years. it still plagues me, even as this healing room entry reflects..

i have been on my knees this last 10 hours. inside my spirit. slept for a couple of hours. woke up feeling like something had been cut from me.

is this why he refuses me the gift of tongues and why i can't see what armor is mine offensively.

and then that is another thing. i went to these places. and why did  i not know this? I KNOW THIS STUFF !

http://www.truthnet.org/Spiritual-warfare/11Waging-War1/Waging-War.htm

i spent so much time with the generational stuff that very little offensive stuff got done? or did it?

isn't this just another anointing of the same ground i advanced in my marriage for family and moving forward?

how can the spirit of j. exist side by side with the ground he reclaimed for family that i saw victory in. the growth in him that i experienced. the stuff that i actually poured into my husband. it wasn't always evil.

all i want to do is send wbe this and let him judge. 'if' i have hurt you. wow. duh. no 'if' about it. i got set up to fail. i put it out there for the first time since chris. almost 25 years of searching for that touch.

only to find i am corrupt and can not be? wow.

been listening to soaking music. asking abba to make this all come out right. but to remove me. want only what HE wants for me.to only BE who HE wants me to be.

but to please please please move me in the right direction, keep this flow open. do not let the enemy put me back into slavery or bonds or the past. OFFENSIVE and NOT ALONE these two things i know for real are real. wbe may just have been a dream, but he did something real at the Spirit's command and opened those blocked flows. if i had this spirit could he have even done that?

i will continue to seek to be transparent and to be open to your guiding lord. you  do the triage here, this is the soul of a woman you have given me.

asked him to shut down the woman thing again. because, you know. i am not going here again. he will have to make it pretty darn clear. my dreams are not to be considered here. if alone means alone with HIM rather than alone because there is no one out there for my 'soul mate' then that is UP to HIM.

and the sensual is under his control anyway, he allows the goddess to function at all. i thought it was ok to intergrate the split pieces of me. that have troubled me so long with failure. i thought it did all come under him. and now i am wondering if i put things together that had no business.

woman was deceived. am i deceived. always? as a woman.

it is ok if there is no man for me.

but i will not be used by the enemy AGAIN to be in opposition of the work of the LORD to bring the bride to her wedding.

and yet, all day yesterday, i saw him walking in my mind., the way he touches his hair, the turn of his head, the light in his eyes, the movement of his flow through his hips, the man of god. what a beautiful thing.  i know it would never be 'mine' in that sense, but to share what god is doing. wow.

so ok, i am not all that , but i will kick some ass anyway.. just not her, or not. i am not confused, just ignorant and i pray that may be recourse to search for wisdom.

i did what Sharon told me to do. anointed all the windows again. dealt with the spirit of darkness t hat i feel. which is that some evil thing? the fear of the dark? is that that same thing? or is it just a kid who had no way to describe what she felt in the dark? i dont know. it seemed like those two were kind of condemning or measuring at the lunch, and yet, why wouldn't they. they both know me. my natural woman. they know my pitfalls.

forgive my father for i have sinned . against you and heaven have i sinned =by the spirit that overcame my marriage. i repent of this and renounce its effect and hold over me and all my children and my future and my past. in your nam e, amen.

play list Aaron schust and winds of worship live from arnheim sweden.

 what i really want is to have him come take me in his arms and tell me it is ok. and take me and own me and make me his. what is that but a fleshly thought? still for once would like someone to go the extra step to make it right. it is always me doing that.

 iot is 5:30 am now. two hours of this. i am exhausted. but my bottom line is that HE LIFTS ME UP. TO SET ME INWHATEVER PLACE HE HAS FOR ME. I SEE MY LACKS, HE SEES HIMSELF. HE IS THE LIFTER OF MY HEAD, M\Y SHIELD, MY DEFENDER, MY GOD AND FOR GOD AND IN JESUS I WORSHIP AND MOVE AND HAVE MY BEING. THE ENEMY HAS NO POWER OVER ME.

eternity brian doesrksen winds of worhsip live from arnheim sweden

key of a#

I will be Yours
You will be mine
Together in the eternity
Our hearts of love will be entwined
Together in the eternity
Forever in the eternity
(repeat)
No more tears of pain, in you eyes
No more fear or shame
For we will be with You
Yes we will be with You
I wil be yours, You will be mine
Together in the eternity
Our hearts of love will be entwined
Together in the eternity
We will worship
We will worship You forever

This Ebenezer Stone (rough draft)

this is the studio live  CD version

this is the official music video

Never Alone"

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

OKay here it is

i just realized something. the words that He gave me yesterday went with the song that goes with the word i got at church three weeks ago..

that is the remembrance part,

but

the stone itself is a seeing for something else that is new...

there is the altar and the remembrance always. for the stone. in my limited knowledge.

ok, a two parter.. lol.

i said i was ripped open didn't i?

it is the stone altar that goes in the sacred asherah goddess groves. it is the The lord is our help, SEE?>

stone that takes my need for a husband and my need to be a wife. (see young crone entry link here)

and purifies it, my heart's desire is to be a worshipper with another worshipper and that is why the stone goes in  the groves. where women worship..

see the joshua reference. of course his was to celebrate that God overcame in battle and overthrew the false worship.

The application here is God touching my need, my heart. as a woman. where I live.

the groves were corrupted , but they have a powerful feminine essence that God does not overthrow in my life to make me a  worshipper of  a man God. He is both aspects and all , in all.

like wm. said.. all ... is.. all.. a

that woman comes from man. man comes from woman. but woman goes back into man.

but the fact remain.s god gave me a stone yesterday and my joy back because i have been engaged in goddess practices that are corruptible and break his heart.

his creatures have not only corrupted their worship.. (check corruptible practice in strongs for reference)

but they have done to women what he never intended it to look like.

this is above and beyond porn and prostitution. this is the enemy's influence and WAR against women.

whcih as a worshipper i have participated. even at the fringe levels. it still started to gangrene.

it started out of that deep sense of aloneness and unworthiness and body practices that correspond.

like cutting but worse. i cut away my daughter status in the heavenliness by what i did here becasue i did not think god like me very much as his daughter. or he would have taken better care of me.

now the pain and sorrow are turning into and have turned into mercy and joy.

so hannah hurnards "hinds feet in high places" is essentially correct..

i don  think god intended for the neglect and abuse to take place. but it destroyed me.

and then i learned to live with it.

and i never came totally in line with it. or i would have been lost.

because what my friends confirmed to me in my mini poll.

i have the heart of a worshipper and a true woman.

and thank you Jesus my stuff stopped at the edges of doing this to other women. in fact you have used this to help me reach out to countless others who are so scarred and bleeding . some already dead and still walking.

but i am i to be a wife? in a heartbeat, a true mate and companion?

wow. i may never fly over the enemy but i am IN the lords army and that is all i have to remember..

dear god what are you DOING:?????!!!!

 i SEE that i am clean now. there is a cleanness after i did that prayer.

there has been aparadigmatic shift in my consicousness. i am no longer bound and all the parameters  that previously existed are ther but have shifted. moved.

an enlarging and a new new territory too. like the gate is open and there isthe new pasture.. lol

on Rosh HaShanah, as [Numbers 29:1] states: "It shall be a day of sounding [the ram's horn] for you." - Though the ram's horn is not explicitly mentioned in the verse, our Sages derived the requirement as the Rambam explains.

The shofar, which is sounded both on Rosh HaShanah and for the yovel - to announce the freeing of the slaves and the return of property, as explained in Leviticus 25:9-13.

is a bent -Rams' horns are always bent. This, too, has homiletic significance, referring to the bending over of our proud hearts. (See Rosh HaShanah 26b.)

ram's horn. - Rosh HaShanah 16a states that a ram's horn is used to recall the akedah (binding) of Isaac.

Sheppard L and his wife Kelly.  He found me! at age 28! My life lines have closed full circle. What a marvelous young man he is turning out to be...

sunday october 25th song of the month.. i really gotta say... huge amounts of condensed info here:

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

lucas and liam in may(?) 2008 but where?

you know? i actually have a real life. the kind where i have 748 customers. 3 of whom i love to death. 90 that rock their world. a hundred or so that know my first name. and a lot of love from all the rest..

madam intercessor herself. looks like a goddess jumpstart.