Indianola Blackberry Beach Jam

Here is the deal i can go through this~~ but what is bothering me the most is the living situation. I simply do not know if i can spend a winter here. I know, "one day at a time, do not think too far down the road," boss said that today to me. I want to be settled in by winter to my own place. So i can fight my battles on my turf.

Furious that i am falling apart over sentimentalism and grief at losing my sons even for awhile. I look at any three things in a drawer; saved in storage; and no matter what i pick, they all show a lack of regard. . . criminal neglect without intent of malice? yeah. all it takes is five minutes up at storage NO fucking mercy for that man from here on out. curses or not.
 He is the reason i am where i live now, obeying my vows is why i am flat broke.

These choices:

 Get the money issue (bills and attorney) together by Christmas which honors the "6-month" clause. Then file after the first of the year. After i am in a place where my things are my familiarity. Which is reasonable. How to make the tenuous balance remain with the former spouse is the real question with this option.
option two; file right now ASAP. try to have a done deal by Christmas without attorney fees except those related, then spend two to three months still here trying to get rent together.. ..

In the meantime, Mmylion is dark moods, one especially about how i conduct myself as i am still married. The beauty of July and August is in me and yet some dynamic has changed for him... not confused about it. Trust it will straighten itself out. His need and hunger is ravenous as mine but he denies his actual expression, except online persona, even now.

I am for him, now and now and now and now. His terms, always... If he changes his mind based on this intimate walk in my life, then that is how it will be. Even the thought makes me dizzy like vertigo. even as i crave more walking beside him? awful to contemplate.. trust is fucking huge everywhere for me. 

Bottom line: I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT IT  ~ or I WALK AWAY FROM IT

Exactly what we need, love.  "only lonely" from Musical Chairs

Hello again
Your words they make me smile
As I drift away
In my little room upstairs

Oh I spend my nights
Imagining your face, your touch
Then I realize
How I dont even know your name

If we could share our time
Would I disappoint your fantasies?
But I believe that I could be the one youre needing
cause im

Only lonely on the inside
Didnt mean to take away your dreams
Im only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

And I could start to give apologies
For all the stupid things that I will say and i
Will do
If we should ever cross the same place at the same
Time
Would your world skip a beat cause it was me?

If we could share our life
Would I disappoint your memories?
And I believe that you could be the one Im needing
And im

Only lonely on the inside
Didnt mean to take away your dreams
Im only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

If I could give back your hopes, your joys, your
Treasures
Dont you think that I would change my world?
But theres so many things trying to pull us
Together
And even though were far apart I can still watch
You walk away

Only lonely on the inside
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes, what do you see?

Only lonely on the inside
I didnt mean, I didnt mean, to steal your dreams
Away
Im only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes, in your deepest thoughts,
Do you see me?

Only lonely on the inside, Im only lonely when
Youre gone
Only lonely on the inside, I see you babe, I see you
Only lonely on the inside, only lonely, only lonely
On the inside
Im only lonely on the inside~ hootie & the blowfish