wednesday of waning 24th sept.

like i said, "i will get through this with music. opening wide to absorb every drop the Muse and the goddess pour out on me." I am doubly thankful for losing the music two years ago. the abasement, the absence; they are now the catalyst for joy.

Maybe Sparrow

Maybe sparrow you should wait
The hawks alight till morning
You'll never pass beyond the gate
If you don't hear my warning

Notes are hung so effortless
With the rise and fall of sparrow's breast
It's a drowning dive and back to the chorus

La di da di da di da
La di da di da di da ~ Neko Case

This has been a very difficult week or two. All possessions firmly in storage.
 The final decision/telling made on divorce, the "WHEN" is now becoming reality. Of course my mind was made up! How do you manage to think that somehow it happened after i moved into my mansion on wheels? WHEN? Indeed!   immediate acquiesence is your response to wife's  "Mind Made UP". Do NOT make me wait until December 31.

His final fury? "Mighty sick of everyone telling me what to do." (meaning me, meaning a lot of things) Cannot be easy taking down your son's loft bed, so he can live with your oldest son. Do you see the necessity? As i did?

Took furniture and love gifts to my eldest son and my g'dau and spent the night listening to the trains and the traffic in my dreams.

Oh, my Liam! We talked today, a blissful 24 hours with my youngest. Watching him walk down the halls of Meany MS, he is no longer slumping, head tucked into his chest.  He has guard boot shoes on, all black clothing and a lovely smile on a taller, thinner frame.

We found an easier place this time. Easier to talk to each other, easier to be in each other's shade. Easier to motivate him with the truth of divorce and moving on with our lives. What does that look like, exactly? For each separate entity of the family?

For Eli, it is the lack of order and the truth of living with his dad as a roomate, not a son to a dad.

For Liam it is the lack of routine, no tv, no place of his own, nothing familiar.  He is sacrificing.

The only one not sacrificing here is dad, i fear. losing his comforts is his only real suffering. maybe losing love, but he has never acknowledged it so where would it go?

And i knew this would happen. in some dire foretelling or another.

yes, i can crawl to the stereo and turn it up while i am losing my mind, dissolved in pain and a puddle of tears.

luvYa

Goin' straight UP from here!

bob dylan may have said everybody gots to serve somebody;

i would say: but everybody's got a mistress of some sort

Indianola Blackberry Beach Jam

Here is the deal i can go through this~~ but what is bothering me the most is the living situation. I simply do not know if i can spend a winter here. I know, "one day at a time, do not think too far down the road," boss said that today to me. I want to be settled in by winter to my own place. So i can fight my battles on my turf.

Furious that i am falling apart over sentimentalism and grief at losing my sons even for awhile. I look at any three things in a drawer; saved in storage; and no matter what i pick, they all show a lack of regard. . . criminal neglect without intent of malice? yeah. all it takes is five minutes up at storage NO fucking mercy for that man from here on out. curses or not.
 He is the reason i am where i live now, obeying my vows is why i am flat broke.

These choices:

 Get the money issue (bills and attorney) together by Christmas which honors the "6-month" clause. Then file after the first of the year. After i am in a place where my things are my familiarity. Which is reasonable. How to make the tenuous balance remain with the former spouse is the real question with this option.
option two; file right now ASAP. try to have a done deal by Christmas without attorney fees except those related, then spend two to three months still here trying to get rent together.. ..

In the meantime, Mmylion is dark moods, one especially about how i conduct myself as i am still married. The beauty of July and August is in me and yet some dynamic has changed for him... not confused about it. Trust it will straighten itself out. His need and hunger is ravenous as mine but he denies his actual expression, except online persona, even now.

I am for him, now and now and now and now. His terms, always... If he changes his mind based on this intimate walk in my life, then that is how it will be. Even the thought makes me dizzy like vertigo. even as i crave more walking beside him? awful to contemplate.. trust is fucking huge everywhere for me. 

Bottom line: I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT IT  ~ or I WALK AWAY FROM IT

Exactly what we need, love.  "only lonely" from Musical Chairs

Hello again
Your words they make me smile
As I drift away
In my little room upstairs

Oh I spend my nights
Imagining your face, your touch
Then I realize
How I dont even know your name

If we could share our time
Would I disappoint your fantasies?
But I believe that I could be the one youre needing
cause im

Only lonely on the inside
Didnt mean to take away your dreams
Im only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

And I could start to give apologies
For all the stupid things that I will say and i
Will do
If we should ever cross the same place at the same
Time
Would your world skip a beat cause it was me?

If we could share our life
Would I disappoint your memories?
And I believe that you could be the one Im needing
And im

Only lonely on the inside
Didnt mean to take away your dreams
Im only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

If I could give back your hopes, your joys, your
Treasures
Dont you think that I would change my world?
But theres so many things trying to pull us
Together
And even though were far apart I can still watch
You walk away

Only lonely on the inside
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes, what do you see?

Only lonely on the inside
I didnt mean, I didnt mean, to steal your dreams
Away
Im only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes, in your deepest thoughts,
Do you see me?

Only lonely on the inside, Im only lonely when
Youre gone
Only lonely on the inside, I see you babe, I see you
Only lonely on the inside, only lonely, only lonely
On the inside
Im only lonely on the inside~ hootie & the blowfish

Perfect Indian summer wednesday

Mood: sad  (Update)

Status: misslizzyanne "While though the tempest loudly roars~I hear the truth, it liveth.~And though the darkness 'round me close~songs in the night it giveth" ~ ~ 'EC'   http://www.myspace.com/lizzyannekeith

Requested that moving the goods be done by DH. He owes me that much grace at least. He had a panic attack, per. and the attitude. me trying very hawd to no' be snippety. . . i thought i would not be able to 'march' into my former home, still mine legally (where did the sad face go? i need it! vv) and, and, take the furniture right out from under his nose.
which i did and MS was predictably pissy when he came walking through and saw the parents' blah, blah.

guess the main sticking point is the separation and who said what and who meant what. all the usual hostility, both sides. i hear my self and it sounds predictably irate and possibly more bitter than i know.
And the longer i am out of this marriage, the more surety i have that the Purpose&Design team  is allowing the going, the grief, the mosaic. so. there it is.

After!!!!!!!!   still Wednesday. The update:
I am a physical wreck.  This has gotta rank right up there with most unpleasant days top ten. all done in 3 hours.
After it was all over, wept in the temple of the cedar shower up top my rig.

BUT ALL MY WORLDLY GOODS ARE IN STORAGE. missing a drawer, two table leaves, loft bed, some kid stuff in the attic, helmets too. everything still there is his or what we acquired together, except that big old rocking chair. i leave that for Eli in lieu of the Carter family baby rocker which was stolen and pawned and never recovered. Not much to show for 17 years of failure.

As i watched him and my son go into  "their" house, front door closing behind them, Eli's broad shoulders disappearing into that dark rectangle, it all fell into permanence. God save you and keep you and bless you and wipe your pain away. Flee Eli. Fly my son.
Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down
marc cohn

Playlist: Clare Bowditch "Cannot Buy my Soul"

A School Wednesday

PEERING AT A JOURNAL OF THE FIRST THREE DAYS.  how is starts, nobody knows and where it goes, nobody knows.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 6 pm

listening to Cracked Rear View Hootie and the Blowfish. Really is poignant. danny and i used to listen to that so much... Kills a spot in me, to know it is gone forever. Actions that are unreversible. leading to destruction. what a agonizing thing, Lord. more than a dream, it was a real work of art that got trashed by the careless behavior of the guardians n participants.

i will feel. i will i will i will.
i will not suppress.
It is the school year, the “firsts”, the “never agains”, the awkward communication, everyone a bit self protective and not trusting for much.......Blame grows cold in logic's light..........what to do, not how bad it hurts

had to turn the music off. just a bucket of tears. i do NOT need to call someone to fall apart. i can do that all by my lonesome. I took the high road, and it ends here for a couple months. RV land. separated from my sons, so that they may live. fuck, hard, hard, hard.  Paying for my freedom the old-fashioned way.

And now aroused. Passion becoming a reality in my life.  the details of surrender, oh my, my, my. amante tia l'uomo my man  feel me. you are never two dimensional and neither am i. 

You have changed the energy flow of our companionship, no words are there. amazes and opens my eyes. too fast too soon for how long my deal will take, sooo you 'push' this away.  By your personal will, changed the energy flow. wow. some leo. under my skin. and i am thankful. the pain now will save much pain later, yes? it that is his intention. i believe it is.. his heart....

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
ok, ...cool today..but i have an aching part right here. He said he would stick this out. he said he loves me. he said i am made for him. ok, so trust that. Remember, "Trust me! Trust me. Trust me." oohhh, i haven't forgotten, his voice uttering the words. they actually made sense.

elementary mistake, thinking she was necessary.  miss the engagement by him. like a weight in my chest though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~ so craving his tongue, the velvet mouth and that incredibly steamy tongue. mentioned i want to revisit some of the things and he didn't sound as if he agreed, so now  i am confused.. .. ...
not like if anything happened he would call anyway. does he like the secret mistress/lov(er) aspect all mostly?...  bing

matchbox twenty is the playlist and now Jean Luc Ponti


MONDAY Sept. 1, 2008 6:30 am
wow a new blank page, love it!   Saptembers theme baby: this is the month for orgasms. all kinds all shapes...your  style, or what i like in the way of oral foreplay, intimacy, endplay, loveyplay.  How to tell a man. What this sensual man does already... more and completely ~~ rough where warranted, soft and sensual elsewhere.

 Reply to gives ...taking a minute of you lover and stretching it to an hour of all of you....

playlist - alana davis, billie mayers, beth orton