Eli with 3 month old Addie. March 08

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

taken 11/22/07.
This months story was work in progress still&always:

What does it mean? The title to the meaning of the month?
“Part of the routine,” said in the Fixx songbook, “is becoming more lightweight, doing away with encumbrances. Zero is the point of relaxation.”
The image that stands out when I think of SBZ these days is of a Calgon bubble bath after a long and stressful day, ahhhhh... remember the good old days of Mr. Bubbles and rubber ducks floating in the bath? Life is short-enjoy every second like it's your last. This is... of course, done w/ a sense of humour!!!!

being in charge of zero. revelation. excludes what comes out of my mouth, what goes in my mouth, my orgasms. whom i choose to love. gotta love the short list.

Until i read back online and on paper did i see what my friends and lover have beens seeing. A whole lot of guilt, grief and loss on the way to losing the encumbrance. Sure feels like zero in the death sense which is the other meaning of the song title. It was something that stuck in my head all month.

Haven't been able to write this October with depth or meaning; i end up curled up on the couch snotting and weeping like tomorrow will never come. Out of rage and rage alone, fueled by my love for the one son who cuts me like a knife. I couldn't get him out. He stayed. HIS choice. I have Martha'd that boy his whole life. Now it stops. The others made it out OK. I will achieve and succeed too.

But Eli? He taught me how to live lightly ~~ ever since the eve of his birth ~~ But Eli? Taken a whole month and all my energy and surrender to START letting go. let the gods play. i have some form of survivor's guilt. But Eli? May his angel guard his steps now.

☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁

Here is the rest of it. AFter the fact, after fasting and soul searching, after two 'reality based' convos with the dad.

If Eli has been running the show for the last 5 years, then what does that say about husband and wife? Me chasing spouse down, him retaliating as only an alcoholic can and the kid vibrating madly tyring to control his little brother's emotional wellness, his mom's yelling which makes dad drink and fight, his dad's drinking which makes mom yell and fight. Add in the fact that neither parent spends money wisely. Eli's contribution includes silent treatment, acting out negatives, disrespect to himself, inability to trust, sheer uncontrollable anger and grief like a baby over loss of family. NOW family is important to eli? like i feel about dan.. .. ..why now is it time to AHA? what about just working through stuff THEN?

Which also means that mom and dad were so out of control that a 11-12 year old had to run the show? what a sorry spectacle. and how does that look and feel to him? The same way it felt to me when i was 12-13? minus the physical stuff? eli should just about be worn out by now. it has been replaced with sullen hostility to me.
And he is right. i did leave you, Eli, because you wanted me too. No matter what your dad did to me, you always excused him and blamed me. So there that is. and now you are angry about it?
Be vital to get "Alpha's" insight on this.

Texts this morning were HOT and emo from both of us. the crack i made this afternoon about shitty texts just inflamed him. He thinks they were right on. and $$, he will not text me again. i bet $.

☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁

eli's text to me november week one:

"i ain't leaving dad so plz quit trying to make me switch my mind if that is what it is.....and don't call dad aand start making a commotion to him. i am getting real tired with this shit. i just wanna let you know at least *I* have the heart to come back after i left.

Dad when he left still wanted a family.. and YOU think it is over and leave? That's not right mom. If dad and I can't get that to you then i don't know who will. Maybe God. I pray God helps you realize this soon."

The best one was 11/08/08. I told him thanks for being frank and letting me know how he feels.
"I will think about what you are saying"
(Really important to keep him emoting or talking, regardless of the emo-anger. He is all too good at locking it up inside and that is not so good)

he replied, "Ok thanks, you are welcome. Please think deeply!" ( little shit, lol)

i replied, "Ditto, i love you"

Text from mid-October
"Love you too. im sorry but i really don't wanna be with you until you move back in. Of course i know you will say "no", but i don't want to be bribed to be with you. i mean that's good and all and thanks, but i don't know. i will call you."

A Series of Texts from Me to my Son

I have every little 'love note' and 'ily' from him tucked away in boxes and in my heart. What else can i do?
My original thought to him was this, way back in the end of May when i moved out.

"Eli, I love you so much. You will see no more parents at war killing each other and you with evil words. Respect me or not, I lost a piece of myself every time you suffered because of the words. I kept hanging on hoping.. .. .. respect your dad as you are able."

"Love you and thank you for telling me your thoughts. I am sorry."

"I left a place where i was being used and hurt. I did not leave you. My marriage was in trouble and it hurt my sons! You will be better now with just dad to deal with. I said i would NEVER put my kids through the same shit I grew up with. I stayed there hoping it would get better. You don't want to talk to ME? How is that different than normal silent treatment? I stand in Christ for YOU, even though i am pissed that God let so much of my mothers prayers unanswered this far."

"Eli, you can only control what goes into your mouth and what comes out of your mouth. Everything else is still up to God. I am sorry I haven't lived up to that example. WE will get through this together. I love you."

"You ARE loved! Don't listen to other kids or lies that are straight from hell!" Yes, Eli, some mornings I wish i were dead, but it passes. I am NEVER sorry that i left him. Bad days pass. Love you son, Do Well!"