the ides of october

Menstruating with a full moon. Tom Robbins would be proud of me.

Smells like frost and bubblegum necking at the last drive-in movie for the year. Listening to Bonnie Raitt on the way home, drinking cheap wine and even cheaper beer, ahh yes, answering to none and master of one.. .. those were the days

swear i am senile. suddenly smelling things is like an aphrodisiac to my senses. Everything has purpose and focus. the design is a mystery though. the smell of the oak leaves and damp cold bark floods me with memories of the oak trees in the cemetery by SFCC. i wandered and pondered but as unlike now, then there was little fruit and a whole lot of immutability.

"Jump in before you get jumped"

It was the smell this morning. Sitting on the couch i pulled my flowered henley thermal over my head. As it came down around my face, the smell suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. It had come from a tub of 'winter' clothes i had left at the house until recently. Picked some stuff up, tub included and the smell was in there when i opened it and when i put the shirt on.

smelled like home. The smell you give your home that is uniquely YOUR family smell. Sure, our carpets were muddy msot of the time, but they never  smelled like dog or dirt because i cleaned them regularly. They smelled like us, though. Walk into your house of a late cold evening after hourss spent elsewhere and the home-smell is what you notice first in the cool air.

I miss woodstove lighting rituals actually, as well. i do not miss the mess, but it is part of what made our smell. The cast iron moisturizer tea kettle with it's ancient earth smell, especially when it is just getting low and the stove is very hot.

I made the kitchen smell like either food or Pinesol ane the halls smelled like incense and candles. All together pleasant until the last two years, when all the stale alcohol and sounds of hate polluted everything. Sort of a hovering background dissonance to all the cleaning and cooking i did.

Never get me wrong on this! If it was only that? I would still be there. I loved making a home and doing the domestic family thing. I broke up  my family because i could not stand my husband anymore. Sounds trite enough but it isn't. I have no need to explain to you or anyone else what "not standing" entails. Enough to say there is enough corruption there that toxic behavior is a lifestyle choice.

and that is also not saying that living with young men is sweet. Mostly 'fuck you, i am too old for a mom', conbined with "mooooomm?" makes life uncertain, yeah?

I noticed the corrupt and neglected smell in storage after the stuff came up from th e house.

so, yeajesus/ some kind of crying going on here.

fully centered in my gravity. aching for mylion but content to ache. i know that feeling from fasting and performing.

or is that just menstruating with the full moon?

timeline: Kristi will be here next Friday am in the wee hours. Yes!!

playlist: Barlow Girls~Journal