FIRST day FIRST wednesday

The things we hand down. or watch helplessly as the other parent hands it down. we have no jurisdiction, no control. our only influence in memories and hoping hugs if any at all.

the image of my 15 yr. old  from last night will haunt me for a long while.  Reflecting on this and another story i am piecing together:

The things we daughters do to our fathers. they are our first loves, our first passion.  My first smell of the scent of a man. Hopefully our cheerleaders even if at best more like a bad coach.

But 25 years apart? followed by peace after visit; yet absence until death? Weep for the hardness and the pain. Were his lacks or mine that many ?  HE loved me the only way he knew how. oy! that by itself was not good enough DAMN

..never drank a beer with my mom, but the toxic behaviors that corrupt our daughter-lover with dad? all there....endless fucking cycle. if we have the power to change that even an iota then DO!

My son is reeling and will for many times to come. Being corrupted, complicit behavior so dad can feel good about himself.  He corrupted my sons. there is so little forgiveness in that. in which respect i am completely like my father (when my mother corrupted me).

Question, "Can she really afford to continue on?"
 "Inside every confident woman, is a fragile princess waiting to be saved"

playlist: MARC COHN

HBF! FAIRWEATHER JOHNSON

ps. totally worried about the older kids in their situation. not good damnit.

totally freak'd about MS, which is obvious.

totally guilted out over YS, also obvious.

standing my ground with the enemy and the world JUST FINE until this happens:

"misss 'em sometimes so bad the pain feels itself and buckles my knees. Driving home last night was like that. Aerosmith kept running through my head. Sing for the Moment?

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me now, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

sing for the pain