journal excerpts

wednesday, October 29th 6 pm

IT IS THE LAST WEDNESDAY OF OCTOBER! THE WEATHER IS PERFECT!

working on the journals in all seriousness. very good progress as i look back over ten months on paper and 6 months online. adrift in the chaos of time. perched on a crag of no return ticket for "calling pity, party-of-one!" OR progress? Ha! all in the lookin'. October has been the roughest month yet. REading back, I have been given so much truth and am barely able to digest it one tear at a time. Moving on is carpe diem. i must. stop. looking back. Can't unring a bell of loss and grief. It is affecting my quality of life with my lover and my friends.

DOWNER ALERT:
The biggest observation i have from a severe downer earlier this week is that **i** do not like the feeling of being infinitesimal. tiny speck. like that beach analogy.
one among many, "if i take the time to engage you, to draw you out, i mean it."

The reality being that everyone misses the absent person, but life goes on. Absent in death or broken relationships. not physically absent. so suicide is just a speck extinguishing itself, mattering little.
That philosophy is against everything i believe and practice. ha. so. END ALERT:

really going to add the bondage aspect to the story. my turn. my way.

blessing on that _. _. the counselor at th jr. high.. he always risked p.c. and his reference to psalm 121 is perfect. So perfiect in fact that here it is:

The LORD the Keeper of Israel. (A Song of Ascents)
1I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
2My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
3He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your (H)shade on your right hand.
6The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
8The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

So Richard was even more emphatic. "The King is dead, long live the Queen!"

Take care of the former vows(childhood, heart) stay connected. do the forgveness as needed often.
Move out of the enabling finances. i am responsible for the larger picture since i filed.
Look 3 months ahead and decide what i can and can't live with in terms of where i am now. The one year outlook is bleak as far as credit reporting in any case.
Accept that and try not to make it any worse, but don't try to take care of it all at once.
Start in vesting in myself even as i augment the students household income.

quote H&blwfsh: “Let her ('em) cry” lol

wednesday, October 29th 11am

sat down here formsomething specific. i need to fucking cum. and cum hard.
filing paperwork. call dentist referral and make appointments during lunch. Business day of the broken empire.

looking back on January's notes and journals:
god was i desperate or what? to do SOMETHING! ANYTHING! like tree branches reaching out to trip me up. lost and on my face. then M. mylion found me and made me believe in love again, in respect.

I wanted to publish a down and dirty negative bitchy painful story this month. i have two of them started. and it really pisses me off that as a writer, the things that end up on the page are from a place not really “in” my brain at all!
Where is the distinction? in time i am told, in healing, in love and in distance. So the place where the razor trashed epic poem lies is not the wellspring from where the love stories continue to flow. I call that a healing miracle. Healing in the name of love and respect. trust takes longer.

Announcer:

"And on the right! the old life with its dirty commonplace failures and fears; the remains of family in the middle, sons, sons, sons!; the beginnings of new on the right!"
"Who will win this epic struggle?"
"Don't touch that dial!"

wednesday, October 29th 9:30am

“Work hard and have nothing to show for it." the sacrifice, the giving, the constant toil. Nothing at the end of that? like not really good folks. shiftless. but that perception is stereotype.
“I have worked the last ten years to have something to show for it." Who i was married to has kept my success quota to nil all these years. I will have to ditch his 'neediness' in order to be a good citizien myself.

really piss me off that this transition time is the price of that one journal entry.
“I have no money but am moving out anyway”
well, who knew how much and how long? i didn't. but i would still rather be out and deal with me NOW and HERE? Than to be still at 'home' in the middle of hostility; playing around online and meeting some other married guy for bang-on sex and feeling schizo.

wednesday is hell day

Can't get out of bed without a hole in my heart leaking tears into my coffee, eh?

test one. leave the teen to dad's tender mercies. an appointment to get back into school.

test two. paid all the bills to stay on time, leaves no cash for gas or the rest of the month. the real test is trusting.

test three. not wanting for any good thing. ahhhh Becky, you tried to prepare me all those times and times ago. with Phillipians 4.

The silence is deafening, so is the reality of failure. sitting here bawling so hard. again. some more. nothing perky to add, nothing of any literary value. all about enlarging my heart leaving no room for pride. Like rubber; meet road.

2 Cor 13:8; For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. That is my bottom line so yank away what blinds me .. .. always.. ..

the ides of october

Menstruating with a full moon. Tom Robbins would be proud of me.

Smells like frost and bubblegum necking at the last drive-in movie for the year. Listening to Bonnie Raitt on the way home, drinking cheap wine and even cheaper beer, ahh yes, answering to none and master of one.. .. those were the days

swear i am senile. suddenly smelling things is like an aphrodisiac to my senses. Everything has purpose and focus. the design is a mystery though. the smell of the oak leaves and damp cold bark floods me with memories of the oak trees in the cemetery by SFCC. i wandered and pondered but as unlike now, then there was little fruit and a whole lot of immutability.

"Jump in before you get jumped"

It was the smell this morning. Sitting on the couch i pulled my flowered henley thermal over my head. As it came down around my face, the smell suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. It had come from a tub of 'winter' clothes i had left at the house until recently. Picked some stuff up, tub included and the smell was in there when i opened it and when i put the shirt on.

smelled like home. The smell you give your home that is uniquely YOUR family smell. Sure, our carpets were muddy msot of the time, but they never  smelled like dog or dirt because i cleaned them regularly. They smelled like us, though. Walk into your house of a late cold evening after hourss spent elsewhere and the home-smell is what you notice first in the cool air.

I miss woodstove lighting rituals actually, as well. i do not miss the mess, but it is part of what made our smell. The cast iron moisturizer tea kettle with it's ancient earth smell, especially when it is just getting low and the stove is very hot.

I made the kitchen smell like either food or Pinesol ane the halls smelled like incense and candles. All together pleasant until the last two years, when all the stale alcohol and sounds of hate polluted everything. Sort of a hovering background dissonance to all the cleaning and cooking i did.

Never get me wrong on this! If it was only that? I would still be there. I loved making a home and doing the domestic family thing. I broke up  my family because i could not stand my husband anymore. Sounds trite enough but it isn't. I have no need to explain to you or anyone else what "not standing" entails. Enough to say there is enough corruption there that toxic behavior is a lifestyle choice.

and that is also not saying that living with young men is sweet. Mostly 'fuck you, i am too old for a mom', conbined with "mooooomm?" makes life uncertain, yeah?

I noticed the corrupt and neglected smell in storage after the stuff came up from th e house.

so, yeajesus/ some kind of crying going on here.

fully centered in my gravity. aching for mylion but content to ache. i know that feeling from fasting and performing.

or is that just menstruating with the full moon?

timeline: Kristi will be here next Friday am in the wee hours. Yes!!

playlist: Barlow Girls~Journal

wednesday 8th update

sometimes if i close my eyes; the muted roar of the freeway mingled with the sounds of a far off city feel like a hostel experience.

lying on the couch cushions,all bundled up in a fat blanket, the smells all known, but exotically not-mine. d

i dreamt i was in foreign 'climes'; a pilgrim on personage if you will. The singular comfort we aspire to is only as deep and rich as the loves we bring to it. How can i keep from singing? Loving the difficult people in my life in a different way, learning new love styles, wow.  pretty darn fortunate.

Most definitely, how can i not be open and loving through the pain. pain flows like pilgrimage. Joy is the current underneath. i really do believe that.  Living it actually. Not as well as i would like, but with a whole lotta touch going out and coming in i am transformed by the journey and i radiate outwards.

The best part is the new understanding about DH.  He called me in tears. Rosie went looking for Youngest Son  last night. Went into his room and wouldn't come out until DH went in there with her.  I am guessing that the empty bedroom of his youngest son and the reasons why hit on him like a ton of bricks. Especially Rosie with that look on her face.  Pointy ears, expectant fox face, loooking up at DH, "Well?" Her master can do anything! Turned into DH's gut moment of the month. "Tell YS i love him and i miss him". So i handed off the phone to YS and said in didn't do translation! Cannot interfere with the grief process (and maybe growth) in  his/dada's life.

Believing for the miracle of living fully to the fullness of HIm in any season of life.
translation? "My hip doesn't hurt quite so bad, and i got 5hours of good sleep. think it is gonna be a great day"!!!
oh,, i carack me up.

So, why do 20-somethings think they need to conquer the world? Or at least travel it?

grrrr...holding my tongue is like standing inline at the stadium waiting to pee.. grr.rrr...rr...

comrades for at least the evening, yes Herr Brewmeister? !!

FIRST day FIRST wednesday

The things we hand down. or watch helplessly as the other parent hands it down. we have no jurisdiction, no control. our only influence in memories and hoping hugs if any at all.

the image of my 15 yr. old  from last night will haunt me for a long while.  Reflecting on this and another story i am piecing together:

The things we daughters do to our fathers. they are our first loves, our first passion.  My first smell of the scent of a man. Hopefully our cheerleaders even if at best more like a bad coach.

But 25 years apart? followed by peace after visit; yet absence until death? Weep for the hardness and the pain. Were his lacks or mine that many ?  HE loved me the only way he knew how. oy! that by itself was not good enough DAMN

..never drank a beer with my mom, but the toxic behaviors that corrupt our daughter-lover with dad? all there....endless fucking cycle. if we have the power to change that even an iota then DO!

My son is reeling and will for many times to come. Being corrupted, complicit behavior so dad can feel good about himself.  He corrupted my sons. there is so little forgiveness in that. in which respect i am completely like my father (when my mother corrupted me).

Question, "Can she really afford to continue on?"
 "Inside every confident woman, is a fragile princess waiting to be saved"

playlist: MARC COHN

HBF! FAIRWEATHER JOHNSON

ps. totally worried about the older kids in their situation. not good damnit.

totally freak'd about MS, which is obvious.

totally guilted out over YS, also obvious.

standing my ground with the enemy and the world JUST FINE until this happens:

"misss 'em sometimes so bad the pain feels itself and buckles my knees. Driving home last night was like that. Aerosmith kept running through my head. Sing for the Moment?

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me now, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

sing for the pain