How long is this rain gonna last?! (second Wednesday)

I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED

WHILE YOU PUT ME TO THE TEST.

YOU LIKE THE WHITE STAINS ON MY DRESS.

WE BOTH LIKE OUR HANDS AROUND OUR NECKS. OH YEAH

BUT MAYBE IT IS TIME TO SEE WHO LOOKS BEST ON THEIR KNEES.. ..

 You Are My Favorite Damn Disease

That man! In the most fabulous fashion, up at midnight because of his thoughts. i played in his mindset all day, stopping long enough to tenderize, hug and moisturize the very essence of him inside me

That fire in the eye! oh egads.  classic and complete with dangerous flouncing. the kind that is jet fuel and no amount of gentle enjoinder will appease.

I know. Because i sniff that brand of fuel. Even recently. What is it about a trigger combined with a negative verbal that just rips that edge off so the RED snaps on! Usually my mouth and feet are going and the brain is blank except for that red haze. Even after i get a hold again, i have acid reflux, shaking or tremors, heart rate goes through the roof, includes vision and more..  quite the jolt of bodily endorphins.. ..imagine when the stimulus/trigger is pain and not emotion solely? wow. some balling the jack there, "lift your other butt up, it's the Wilbury twist."

Sounds like pain does it for him.

Sounds like i need to 'read' better and 'relax' more

That is the sound of a woman who has taken care of people her whole life. Now what? What to do? There was not even a real idea of a "whom". The self-abuse angle, M. quite handily recognized and pulled me out before i did get hooked up with an abusive man. For that I owe him my life and my wholeness belongs to him.

But the question remains how does one re-think one's life role and reconfigure it successfully? That is what has been a pleasure getting to know this intense man. High standards for doing it right. i dig that so fucking much. Such a challenge he set before my eyes! One he is living/has lived!

The fact of a divorce does not change the amount of good i am coming away with.. .. meant for evil and redeemed for the sake of love. oh  yeah! The message that "i am hardly worth taking care of" is a deep one. tyvmNOT, mom.

so until i learn where my assignment is next, i prolly should not succumb to either ANYONE'S contempt or my own sense of failure. Does everyone who fails at this primary relationship of marriage and parenting feel such failure? The only thing i ever set my mind to that i thought mattered.

It mattered enough that the endeavor should outlast the setbacks.  i was wrong. i can't deal with the failing, which in turn makes me underbelly soft for lion claws.. my tender heart is no accident! God and a dull meat cleaver met me in my need. Now having supplied this lovely person with me, now what?

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[Roberta Gillis]

So sad, so self destructive, so needing to love one self. I cry tears for my dear loving sister, so in need of love, so frail, so full of love for everyone but herself. Look first within....