i met this man online. he winked at me and mumbled something blunt and sweet.

now a year later all i can do is cry. and forever remember him as the smell of sweet apricot lotion, Paul Sebastian cologne and the deep bark of his laugh.

He was the most dangerous man i ever met. because he had no idea of his power to ensnare my soul. he did not believe in himself. and now he does. all for the woman who meant it when she said he was perfect.

oh yes, my mind and my body all succumbed. i fell in love blunt and sweet~ everything he says in his personal invnetory is brutally honest. who he is. all really an insatiable appetite. for women.

i am not only easy i am a sure thing. playing with the hyenas (think Scar in Lion King) i look like stale bread in comparison.

i can't compete with fantasy. i am plain, poor and old now. mom was not that big on the womanly arts. i learned nothing when i should have. piecemeal from lovers and books and movies and wishing.

i look my age, i have no special attirbutes, like great body or great sarcastic wit or great accomplishments.

i haven't had many good lovers, married to please an average man.

i am not that good in bed, i don't know how to entice or flirt or hold a man's attention. i don't make noise when i should, i look like i am in pain when i cum. i can't cum worth shit unless i am being degraded..

i can't think of one reason why this man should even drop me a line like this in the middle of the week. why ? appealing? a bone for the old bitch in his life?

Our chat on Wed, 5/27/09 8:51 PM ----- (8:48 PM): what a lovely day it turned out to be~ kiss me kate~ prrr~

why was it a lovely day?  finally get her to say yes?

i have acted ridiculously. watched myself fall apart Frum Jingo Heels over and over again because i NEED and i can't stop WANTING. and it scares me. my whole world is colored by this man.

plain bread and butter for the rest of his life doing this?

nahh. probably not.

what i look like when i start to cry.

my obit for me is that question. i asked her. i am asked.

"do you love my son?", the mother asked.

I replied, "i don't know what love is. But in know that when m.  kisses me, like when we really kiss? It is as if the world stops, nothing can come between us, there is nothing that can happen that cannot be explained, forgiven,undone, set aside. There is nothing to worry about, no barriers between us, no conditional behaviors. it is a secure and passionate expression. i love kissing m.. if that is love then the answer is yes!"

it is the same way i feel when he comes into my hug, into my arms and lets me be his all..

and i don't even have a picture of us together laughing or touching or joking. or anything to show he ever cared. he was so lonely when i met him and i was so needy. i am still so shy around him, the tough gal comes out in self defense. now he gone and i can't find him anywhere. i can only release him and deal with an anniversary of one. he doesn't find anyone he likes better than me. dies a forlorn hope.

again. as always. i am the sin eater. what was i thinking that i could have love like any ordinary mortal. mine is always to watch, take on, eat, go into the wilderness to sacrifice myself. because now, having met love and abandon and passion i know that i rarely loved my husband at all. we was only my fear mulitplied by two.

oh . it is real to me. not a fantasy. ok, you win. im outta here. there are many beautiful and grateful girls out there just waiting for you to open them. and in the process he stole my heart and ate it.

to be at mercy's touch . oh man. hot hot hot thots

so now what. now what. now what.

listening to jazz on KPLU. hymn this morning was the solid rock. oh yeah. love that song.
church under protest this morning. i know what he is going to toss at me and it still unnerves me. but then he goes and is mellow then foul again home... He does remember his Ebenezer stone. He was 9 maybe. it was our last year in church as a family whole....

i have the "stone" itself with his words on it. it is a piece of paper taped to the bboard. today was the memorial stones we make. to the negative. to the deaths and foul ups and wounds. which is an altar in its own right. but then we come along and crush it with a memorial stone that is for the eternal. for deliverance...'lest you forget' and lest we forget to pass it on to our children. bondage breaking.

What are the promises. what do we really know. upon whom do we stake our life and existence. Novody banks their time here on something that doesn't exist. or chaos. or reincarnate.

when he says he is "thinking about me" does that mean sex? or love? or fondness? or planning as a mate? or is it some weird variety of "FWB". If he does think like that i pray i never find out, becasue that is jsut plain nasty and misleading. then again he is not as crazy for touch. like touching me.  If a guy were all over me like am I all over Michael i would freak out.. always the repressed obsession.

oh, yeah. i know what that looks like. so yeah. thanks dr. standly. "want it less to have it all".. i can do that. that is why i am writing here while he is next door on IMC>forum.

there is something here shortly about the touch of a kiss. and then look where he is. what am i to do. absolutely nothing. be proud and say nothing. won't kill ya, will make ya more good to yourself though.

no one else can do that for me anyway. like he said, "don't worry about me, take care of you" with the implied, "for my sake" but i don't know that always. i'm "tentative"? well hell yeah. the look on his lips say s it all. weary worldly man resting and regrouping.. i am privileged to walk the path with him even for a short way. funnily enough i  think that is reciprocal. him walking my path with me this last year... {new blog on myspace} HIS privilege.. not a favor he was doing me..

guess my bottom line right now is that as long he is playing he is meeting a need. so don't even talk to me about what i do to meet my own needs.. they are in your head if not your bed..

heylo odd man. lol not. just you. that is all.
yes, i have had that link a long time ago.

hence the term, petit le mort
the little death. i think that is how it is spelled.

thanks for that again..
which is also why even if my vaginal wall muscles go spazxzing, my companion will look in my eyes at my face to see if i am having a response, or an orgasm... and i know the difference too. wow.. no faking for me anyway,, mine come slow and certain pressures, b ut only occasionally. k'! i am a skin freak. touch motion enclosed. voice. allo mean more than a certian divine flesh threshold. When he holds me and i feel his body fully engaged with me, it driv es me crazy. i want to swallow and be swallowed. once he taught me what that sounded like.. .. oh man.

ok, gotta go do laundry. washer still broke.
take care ___ and have a good evening.
ea

"i married badly but divorced well"~ Amy indigo girls



And What Would May Be Without Lilaces

i had an AHA. i do not mind sleeping alone. i am used to and happy with that. i rmember praying to God that if y\He would only freee me from my marriage i wouldn't mind sleeping alone again. and i don't mind. Except when the fear factor wasa my bedmate, cold and clammy and harming..

i will do the hard things. so that i don't have to go through this lesson again and again. i wept so for mi'kel..

Wednesdays child is full of whoa. 7 pm

wrote more in the obituary. i need my story muse back. i need a new story. a story of tenderness and strength and manipulation and velvet moustaches. on my word, i am hot just thinking about it..

and i am determined to put this circumstance behind me and move forward in freedom and mutual respect for differences and flaws. more important than, "Remember those gentleman" ha. joking. right.

and i am bleeding from every shoelace.

√

Todays Thoughts on Azazel:
The Moon in Capricorn is moving through your 1st house of identity and how others see you. This house also rules the personality, your attitude, how you see the world, your appearances, outlook, sef and responding, Underlying Passion or force and the ego. Take special note that this first house rules your soul's purpose and your inner motivation.

Your personality is subject to an emotional fit today. do not crack under pressure and take it out on the world just because things may not be going according to 'your' plan. It's okay when a curve ball is thrown because it tests how Good you really are handling what Life throws at you.

Make certain that you do not make a mountain out of a molehill because most things that do not go according to plan are just minor or insignificant anyway. " ~ dr. standley's wisdom

i got a call from eli today which i managed very well. ash.. made him do it... i am slowly resolving that. not only do i want to hug, i want to be useful. "I use, therefor i am". and i can't. and i am not sure which is worse. sitting around waiting for your former spouse to be fair, knowing they are fucking you over and helplessly watching your kids out of your direct control..OR...The pain of losing your kids. unbelieveable. if that don't make ya pray it makes you calloused .

The firewalk was a deep experience. fire jumping. and mystical things. i got a purging call this morning. my friends with the kilts and healing hands. my bird is the red-winged blackbird. swamp bird with a sweet song.
so there is such a love and depth in the universe. all being weep at the sound of a lost child and when found at whatever age, the song of joy resounded.

one thing. the joy... back again. this time tempered. no quick fixes. eat the quiet and breathe it in. because




On Sun, May 10, 2009 at 7:26 AM, lizanne <elizabeth.anne78@yahoo.com> wrote:
this is the s mallest bouquet i have seen. given to me by someone who stopped their life long enough to pick the flowers and wrap them in a grass stem and engage me in a loving exchange.

a million dollars without an intimate thought behind it is never as pleasing. i already knew this about my companion. i thought about it and decided to see what all was there anyway. the ffreakish-good strength of hands and fingers, combined with his goddess heart is more than enough. toys are good too..

from my Doorways know that i am involoved in a very peculiar on again, off again challenge quest for about a year now. it is a problematic issues for me, because of the physical need i have for him.. trying to break the cycle,  getting replay is breaking my heart. i thought he was in love with me, that i would be with him forever and now it seems that "i need"  is my downfall, so i shall be patient with me too.

"i married badly but divorced well"~ Amy indigo girls

buckcherry 15 ~ Aaron Schust

Monday Rider

i cannot even fathom how. but i know i am on my way to putting this whole year behind me. i did not want to leave it without mylion at my side. i am sorry for being human and so afraid. seemed the judgin never stopped and i have come through this with more grace becuase of his scrutiny...sort of on the other hand look at things...

now. onward. always

still getting yanked by nok. no big change.
one very personal observation. when you meet the love of your life in fantasy land. it is apt to stay there. and if your try to drag them out to reality based relationship, they will probably resist. because their fantasy of themselves is more important than a real live woman.

Still not healed. no big change.

Made some decisions about how i handle being at other peoples mercies.

especially about debt and money.

made a decision about letting go of the overnight bag. and the lovely interlude that represented in my life.

a couaple of hard looks at panic attacks, bitterness, selfishness which i need.

so yeah. an Aries moon coming up.

email excerpt:
"He just listened. I was treading on his sacred pain zone, I think. Nothing is ever as bad as what he puts up with! Oops, not good to even think that, let alone say that. But you understand."

oh golly that made my day... yeah, i lived with a sickie. that is the honest to god truth. my pain was not even a blimp on his radar, lol

so now, i have everyone convinced i am going to drop off from DJD any day ! it makes me feel better. and now i have a better idea how many many people have really extra pain and manage to accomplish a lot.
but the proberbs i was given at the healing room
were about the cheerfulness/countenance is affected by the crushed spirit which which is adverse to our bones. in tother words, what you said, stress related bone issues.. i am trying so hard to get liam to understand that we have to make this place a sanctuary.

guess it also sudddenly hit me that i have lost my joy. ON my website i have the chronicle of the original blog where i discovered "I" mattered.. and people responded to that. and i was opened like a flower.
i lost my praise, but not the music.. At least that has been my constant. "{Like my compnion said,"{ YOu reach for the volume but you can't see it because the tears on your eyes }"
so very scary, and all i needed was to stop feeling guility. sounds so easy but i needed hands laid on me last night to do so.. i am glad you are not taking on the volunteer work. i am still offering to color your hair.. lol.

lovers ya, lizanne