may 27th a day to remember

june 27th 2008 a day to remember. i met him at a restaurant. watched him shake his hair and square his shoulders and walk across the parking lot right into my heart. the first hug was before i said hello and i remember it like it just happened.

i met this man online. he winked at me and mumbled something blunt and sweet.

now a year later all i can do is cry. and forever remember him as the smell of sweet apricot lotion, Paul Sebastian cologne and the deep bark of his laugh.

He was the most dangerous man i ever met. because he had no idea of his power to ensnare my soul. he did not believe in himself. and now he does. all for the woman who meant it when she said he was perfect.

oh yes, my mind and my body all succumbed. i fell in love blunt and sweet~ everything he says in his personal invnetory is brutally honest. who he is. all really an insatiable appetite. for women.

i am not only easy i am a sure thing. playing with the hyenas (think Scar in Lion King) i look like stale bread in comparison.

i can't compete with fantasy. i am plain, poor and old now. mom was not that big on the womanly arts. i learned nothing when i should have. piecemeal from lovers and books and movies and wishing.

i look my age, i have no special attirbutes, like great body or great sarcastic wit or great accomplishments.

i haven't had many good lovers, married to please an average man.

i am not that good in bed, i don't know how to entice or flirt or hold a man's attention. i don't make noise when i should, i look like i am in pain when i cum. i can't cum worth shit unless i am being degraded..

i can't think of one reason why this man should even drop me a line like this in the middle of the week. why ? appealing? a bone for the old bitch in his life?

Our chat on Wed, 5/27/09 8:51 PM ----- (8:48 PM): what a lovely day it turned out to be~ kiss me kate~ prrr~

why was it a lovely day?  finally get her to say yes?

i have acted ridiculously. watched myself fall apart Frum Jingo Heels over and over again because i NEED and i can't stop WANTING. and it scares me. my whole world is colored by this man.

plain bread and butter for the rest of his life doing this?

nahh. probably not.

and in the meantime, i compose messages in my head to him, a running conversation. i think about him as if he was my mate and i could tell him about my day. i could ask him how his day went. dinners for two and poached egg breakfasts. i want the nighttime kisses and the rolling over and grunting and the exasperated sighs and the pissy behaviors and the spoiled companion. i want to sooth him when he hurts, rub his back when he is upset, be there to fill his arms, never saying no. i want to walk beside him for the rest of his life. my soul is bonded to him. you can say 'single' all you like, this is agony for me. but i will get through to a right place. i have no doubts in my leader and guide. ( "Time and Tide" Basia)

what i look like when i start to cry.

my obit for me is that question. i asked her. i am asked.

"do you love my son?", the mother asked.

I replied, "i don't know what love is. But in know that when m.  kisses me, like when we really kiss? It is as if the world stops, nothing can come between us, there is nothing that can happen that cannot be explained, forgiven,undone, set aside. There is nothing to worry about, no barriers between us, no conditional behaviors. it is a secure and passionate expression. i love kissing m.. if that is love then the answer is yes!"

it is the same way i feel when he comes into my hug, into my arms and lets me be his all..

and i don't even have a picture of us together laughing or touching or joking. or anything to show he ever cared. he was so lonely when i met him and i was so needy. i am still so shy around him, the tough gal comes out in self defense. now he gone and i can't find him anywhere. i can only release him and deal with an anniversary of one. he doesn't find anyone he likes better than me. dies a forlorn hope.

again. as always. i am the sin eater. what was i thinking that i could have love like any ordinary mortal. mine is always to watch, take on, eat, go into the wilderness to sacrifice myself. because now, having met love and abandon and passion i know that i rarely loved my husband at all. we was only my fear mulitplied by two.

oh . it is real to me. not a fantasy. ok, you win. im outta here. there are many beautiful and grateful girls out there just waiting for you to open them. and in the process he stole my heart and ate it.

to be at mercy's touch . oh man. hot hot hot thots

so now what. now what. now what.