memorial day may 25 2009 sunday warm and solid rock

just emerging summer day.

listening to jazz on KPLU. hymn this morning was the solid rock. oh yeah. love that song.
church under protest this morning. i know what he is going to toss at me and it still unnerves me. but then he goes and is mellow then foul again home... He does remember his Ebenezer stone. He was 9 maybe. it was our last year in church as a family whole....

i have the "stone" itself with his words on it. it is a piece of paper taped to the bboard. today was the memorial stones we make. to the negative. to the deaths and foul ups and wounds. which is an altar in its own right. but then we come along and crush it with a memorial stone that is for the eternal. for deliverance...'lest you forget' and lest we forget to pass it on to our children. bondage breaking.

What are the promises. what do we really know. upon whom do we stake our life and existence. Novody banks their time here on something that doesn't exist. or chaos. or reincarnate.

 

when he says he is "thinking about me" does that mean sex? or love? or fondness? or planning as a mate? or is it some weird variety of "FWB". If he does think like that i pray i never find out, becasue that is jsut plain nasty and misleading. then again he is not as crazy for touch. like touching me.  If a guy were all over me like am I all over Michael i would freak out.. always the repressed obsession.

oh, yeah. i know what that looks like. so yeah. thanks dr. standly. "want it less to have it all".. i can do that. that is why i am writing here while he is next door on IMC>forum.

there is something here shortly about the touch of a kiss. and then look where he is. what am i to do. absolutely nothing. be proud and say nothing. won't kill ya, will make ya more good to yourself though.

no one else can do that for me anyway. like he said, "don't worry about me, take care of you" with the implied, "for my sake" but i don't know that always. i'm "tentative"? well hell yeah. the look on his lips say s it all. weary worldly man resting and regrouping.. i am privileged to walk the path with him even for a short way. funnily enough i  think that is reciprocal. him walking my path with me this last year... {new blog on myspace} HIS privilege.. not a favor he was doing me..

guess my bottom line right now is that as long he is playing he is meeting a need. so don't even talk to me about what i do to meet my own needs.. they are in your head if not your bed..