Mother is it a Day, yet? now? now? now? now?

i think people with 'perfect' bodies tend to use their emotions and relations differently. a charmed life as it were. i always told my first two sons that they would have doors opened to them that the rest of us would have to fight for; that tall and charming and handsome meant they would have to dig a little deeper to find motives and character in those that they loved. my Lucas, tall, broad shoulders and dark curly haired, is sure figuring that out now. and Shepard? i imagine... blond and blue an slender. adopted to a family in coeur d'alene in 1980.

keep the mother separate from the disappeared love ties. respect her for that.
my lucas said he broke up with TD for good this time. he had addie though and since he usually does it well himself anyway, i think he will be fine. unless she yanks on the daughter chain. that will put him in jail. he will kill for his daughter. a trait he gets from his mother. I only said that i hoped he would find someone he could love deeply and truely and trust forever. he was relieved there was no more, hah.

The older i get, i have learned to stand by my words and actions and let the other party sort out their shit. i have no trouble with my conscience at night or in the morning.

i got a call from eli today which i managed very well. ash.. made him do it... i am slowly resolving that. not only do i want to hug, i want to be useful. "I use, therefor i am". and i can't. and i am not sure which is worse. sitting around waiting for your former spouse to be fair, knowing they are fucking you over and helplessly watching your kids out of your direct control..OR...The pain of losing your kids. unbelieveable. if that don't make ya pray it makes you calloused .

The firewalk was a deep experience. fire jumping. and mystical things. i got a purging call this morning. my friends with the kilts and healing hands. my bird is the red-winged blackbird. swamp bird with a sweet song.
so there is such a love and depth in the universe. all being weep at the sound of a lost child and when found at whatever age, the song of joy resounded.

one thing. the joy... back again. this time tempered. no quick fixes. eat the quiet and breathe it in. because




On Sun, May 10, 2009 at 7:26 AM, lizanne <elizabeth.anne78@yahoo.com> wrote:
this is the s mallest bouquet i have seen. given to me by someone who stopped their life long enough to pick the flowers and wrap them in a grass stem and engage me in a loving exchange.

a million dollars without an intimate thought behind it is never as pleasing. i already knew this about my companion. i thought about it and decided to see what all was there anyway. the ffreakish-good strength of hands and fingers, combined with his goddess heart is more than enough. toys are good too..

from my Doorways know that i am involoved in a very peculiar on again, off again challenge quest for about a year now. it is a problematic issues for me, because of the physical need i have for him.. trying to break the cycle,  getting replay is breaking my heart. i thought he was in love with me, that i would be with him forever and now it seems that "i need"  is my downfall, so i shall be patient with me too.

"i married badly but divorced well"~ Amy indigo girls

buckcherry 15 ~ Aaron Schust

Monday Rider

i cannot even fathom how. but i know i am on my way to putting this whole year behind me. i did not want to leave it without mylion at my side. i am sorry for being human and so afraid. seemed the judgin never stopped and i have come through this with more grace becuase of his scrutiny...sort of on the other hand look at things...

now. onward. always