i have always been the self contained one. move into MY world.  My place. but i would readily give up loves and desires and space to whoever shared with me.

The dom who touches my cheek and with that touch assures me a place in his world; the lion who let me into his lair and licked my wounds clean and shared his wounds with me; the millionaire who needed me to manage his lonely house in costa rica.

Only the lion ever relaly loved me. and i don't know why he stopped.

having the construction guy over for dinner with his two little dogs. they sleep with him and keep him sane, quote unquote. not able to sustain a real relationship at our age. a string of failed loves. many of them interested in the family fortune..

i realized that right away, the need for connection has to be with both ends.

give me your eyes so i can see.

where is someone to love me. to do things with me. not like in highg school where i went to all the boyfriend functions. which the construction guy represents... him ravaging my body with his cock is not an automatic ticket to orgasm.. why bother at all if i can't come unless i am loved.

oh michael. i wake up missing you.. missing my dream of you. bullshit you werent a dom.

he has his mom and now his dau. his life pulled into his lair. living where it is safe for him. the shrines, the times.

he let me in briefly. and now i am out.

not my fault. his vulnerability is what i cannot let go of. he let go of me a long time ago.

his hug to me on friday nite was that of love's loss, not love's goodnight.

breakdown. he drains me and i have no one to refresh with. i am addicted to his smell and his skin. I cannot cry in front of him. twice last night, no reprieves. he says i can do better than him. i do not know what that means. i cannot imagine life without him and i cannot breathe right now. Is there none who love me? Where can i snuggle and cuddle and lie still and limply at rest. He didn't bind me and i needed that so badly. long touching. i needed. i cannot feel so i touch. then cry. this is nuts! Doesn't happen to me!

not feeling like a real victorious woman., he got a bud, a blowjob; made just the right noises and slept alone. i got nothing. no I love you, no I miss you. no fingerering off.

He played it really well when i started putting on my pants. Made the disappointed face, tried to act disappointed but not too much for fear i might stay. not too little for fear i might not feel wanted. he was relieved that i wasn't sharing his bed, i think. He said outside, "i thought you would stay?"

i replied, "Too much jeopardy." and left it at that.

and he hasnt' been up here to share mine or tuck me in.

Every time i get with him, i walk away hurting. i have to deflect his negative outlooks. And he is not tender with me except sexually. although he did say that he was learning or something to that effect about how fucked up he is in relationships.

He was satisfied to make me cry last night. But why he wouldn't get me off, even with rope and everything>?

nad now that he is goign to be a grandpa, and he made up with his dau,("it is a progressive thing, she hasn't spoken to me in two years"), his house is a shrine to missed opportunities from t he last two decades. nothing of me in there, not on the fridge, all his mom's stuff and lion stuff and kid stuff...

He held me, but his heart is not tender towards me. so what an obit.

i feel liket he loneliest girl int he world this morning. and it is saturday. i put all my energy towards him and got sucked clean.

while he was edge of his seat temperay about being 'bashed' online.

and last night was weird too. i dumped stewart's ass from online. Sockeye dumped me from online. Mick did some bizarre texting and hostile bs when i did not respond, something about making up, gawd.nice mailman. liam told me to fuck off and lucas was unusually coherent and emotional with me.

where is the man for me? and who will protect me?

i texted vanetti and told him where i was headed. don't know if he thot it was honesty or TMI. i am to meet him this week coming up...another man who doesn't actually LIVE his life. doesn't listen to music. doesn't visualize getting out of his rut to get into something new with a lover. has no where to host.

when will i learn that michael does not love me, if he ever did...

when will i learn, the things i want, strong arms, secure breathing. come with such a high price tag.. if they are not acquainted with God and are not His man first, what good is all of it. why love a man who is goign to perdition? and at the same time Michael's sensual energy is what i seek everywhere now. wrapped up in a man who knows how to have a relationship.

He keeps saying i can do better than him. well. don't keep pushing me away or i will go...what i did get from him is that is is afraid of losing me... he took exception to the sentence, "dumped my sweet scottish ass". Said i had to explain myself. that he did not do that... i replied, "i own my own words. that is what it felt like to me."

and then again why should i complain. i have beent  hrough at least a half a dozen cocks in the last three months, looking for something that fits. a man with music in his laughter and laughter in his eyes, and a place for me in his arms.

with people who are also desolate.

my spirit is weary and heavy within me this week.

the hawk was tender with me last night.

i screamed at God yesterday. Eli.

me. love. being alone. deserving, confessing.

pressure of money and the things that have to come out.

soi much sorry and grief.

lord jesus, bless him and help me move on.

this wind blowing through my life is a killing wind.

when will i sleep together and lie down together

hard day, wednesday the third one of the month.

paycheck in today. not enough to go around.

tension, always more tension.

If i could just eliminate michael from my psyche.

he has hurt me more than the whole marriage put together. but at least for three months i knew

wheat a hot sumemr romance was

i knew he was in love with me.

twisted if you don't bend

clare bowditch said it well.

i couldn't feel so i learned how to touch.

i do not deserve a mindfuck. nor will i take it.

bye michael pii in your fucking eye.

\

oh my dear lord. it has only been a week? unbelievable. and just two days agao, nok emailed me with the news he found my stockings(!) with the message that i should be tied flogged and fucked. in a loving sort of way.

him hiding out from life in that place breaks my heart. in pain and alone. a wounded lion. ok, on with my life. and yes i responded in a snotty joking way. but did get hte point across to him that he missed out because of his own anger issues. h olding me.

so saturday nite turned out to be a bust. hawks hid from me and i was on my own with a rage-on, and then i started to bleed almost in sync with the FULL MOON.. exactly opposite. no wonder i feel crappy. Full moon tonight.

at any rate i didn't have the impetus to drain myself of the angst over nok. i ended up giving hawks a full body massage, yes with all that implies, lol. left him sleeping like a baby. put my Docs back on and came home in a beautiful sunrise, spent my last 15 at dennys. and was in bed asleep when liam woke up. his respect means a lot to me. so we had the "talk".

But the real reason i am pissed off is because today my first son by daniel carter turns 16. yeah, you can hear the vacuum of the lack of meaning in there somewhere. Dan is consumed by his latest truck problem. Eli is doing his best to die without killing himself. No mom, no real home, no celebration. He is not in school. a sad day all the way around.

Eli knows his birth story, the bottle of wine and chicken dinner ont he way home from Lake Tapps and the midwife. That he slept his first 24 hours away after we got him home. living in a mobile home on george lane. the ensuing panic attacks from dan. well now i know what that was. at the time i wanted to kill myself, too. his stress just gave me heart attacks. Eli the engaging. summersaults at 8 months. climbing the furniture at 9 months. done breastfeeding because it took too long at 11 months.

Jesus, i commit my son Eli to Your hands today. All over again. Please make him stop damaging his life and his future. Give that young man hope and love. Turnhis heart back to you.

I can honestly say that Eli is one of the main reasons our marriage did not make it. a difficult special needs child with two functioning parents is challenge enough. but now that i am further out from the debacle? I did all i could do while still dealing with an alcoholic depressive mate. Slim to none. no wonder we all got fat.

Thursday morning at 4:30 am. i should be writing this down on paper. Seeing Eli was very hard last night. I do not know how to handle my grief over him. it is not as if i w ant him back? He is in a messed up period of his life and his dad is too. they need to deal with their own stuff. i am out of th at loop. the log-term effects and the missed loves and the limited views and the instinctual levels at which they live right now is the wound. y'know, godliness is a shining path. whatever that looks like. even in a non-traditional sense. seeing eli dark for this period of his life kills me. so that is that.

reference:
http://lizannekeith.squarespace.com/lifeways-and-stairways/2009/3/4/a-really-humbling-realization.html

Looks like March 4th. the first wednesday.

Ok, mmmmmm i m calmer now. This is the day that nok and i bit the big one. Or actually "unfucked".

i needed pain. it was that bad. i won't self inflict anymore. But i can write and drink wine until my soul unhands itself from the floor and the tears slow.

Energy and Channelling SO it is a miasma howling its way into the crevices of me. id. essence of lizzy. It is the old wringing blood from a turnip. Burning toast from an onion. a pound of flesh with no gristle. I have grieved the beauth and the death. I sing the fantasy unfolded. It only cost my heart, no regrets; it returns to me better for the bruising. Just let me catch my breath. I am the goddess who was once a mouse.

I am the bitch who was once a goddess and i love my life and live my loves as never before. My body betrays me with its (insert $3 word for infirmity)....My skin wavering like the desert dusk, spotted, no oasis in sight.

Lizzy, who likes to be petted and stroked and held and admired. Lizzy who loves to watch you eat my good home cookin' ~ Lizzy soft firm hands and spicy mouth and overflowing heart for all things of the moment ~ Only she is a goat. and ya gotta get her attention first.

methods that do not work any longer. no more pain. no more getting backed into a corner and giving in, taking the whipping for old times sake. The essence of the 12 th house. This whole scenario/relationship has come down to corners and online mediums for communicating. Thus far the vote is a huge NAY for IM and email. Love on his terms in his corner lair. Incidents Stacking Up becomes his method and not yours.

~ a corner is not for pissing in, for sitting down, shuttting up, listen up, fight back, fuck you. Watch you. Wait. Pause. Prepare and take it.

stroll lesisurely from the corner and refute out loud, "Hey, Ahhhhh, hey-ahhh" in a diatonic scale of your choice. i am being treated like shit. taking it. Again. From a better man, but nonetheless, the black hole of the south node, the end of all things hidden. be an 'inverter'. it all comes out in darkness of critical spirits. And it is not my job to educate. I was given to this man by MY Master for his purposes and mine. So I trust that if i have learned all needful things, given all lawful things with meekness of spirit i shall be free. free like the wind, a clown for agony's sake.(see my new mySpace page)

AND I SAID, " No More". Not worth the heartache to navigate similar waters in a freshly painted boat.

I set the rules. I called him. I told him i would no longer be available by cyber space in our relationship. I made sure he knew i was listening to his music, that i was fine. "You have my phone number and you know where i live. I have your phone number and i know where you live. Hopefully we will be in touch real soon. Love you, baby. Lizzy over and out."

It will be nice to love on a man who loves watching my hands make gracious caring because i care for me and who i am when i am by his side.

Playlist: BareNakedLadies
Sara Mclaughlin~I will Remember You

Astro list for this week:
While Sun is in House 3 25 more days 19FEB09 to 20MAR09
You need to communicate clearly in your casual conversations.


While Mercury is in House 2 13 more days 15FEB09 to 08MAR09
You think more about the things you value and how to attain them.
You re-examine your "values" or ethics...and may re-think a few.
You may have to define & explain your value system to someone now.


While Venus is in House 4 48 more days 04FEB09 to 12APR09
You can enjoy quiet times in the peace & comfort of your own home.(learn this well, self)


While Mars is in House 2 20 more days 05FEB09 to 15MAR09
You have an increased desire to own possessions...or people.
You're prepared to fight to protect your possessions or honour.
You feel your self-worth depends on what you own not what you are.
You're touchy about criticism of or opposition to what you value.
You actively demonstrate or defend your values so others see.