Tuesday morning early

woke up with an aha!

i have always been the self contained one. move into MY world.  My place. but i would readily give up loves and desires and space to whoever shared with me.

The dom who touches my cheek and with that touch assures me a place in his world; the lion who let me into his lair and licked my wounds clean and shared his wounds with me; the millionaire who needed me to manage his lonely house in costa rica.

Only the lion ever relaly loved me. and i don't know why he stopped.

having the construction guy over for dinner with his two little dogs. they sleep with him and keep him sane, quote unquote. not able to sustain a real relationship at our age. a string of failed loves. many of them interested in the family fortune..

i realized that right away, the need for connection has to be with both ends.

give me your eyes so i can see.

where is someone to love me. to do things with me. not like in highg school where i went to all the boyfriend functions. which the construction guy represents... him ravaging my body with his cock is not an automatic ticket to orgasm.. why bother at all if i can't come unless i am loved.

oh michael. i wake up missing you.. missing my dream of you. bullshit you werent a dom.

monday's muse

i will find better than.

he has his mom and now his dau. his life pulled into his lair. living where it is safe for him. the shrines, the times.

he let me in briefly. and now i am out.

not my fault. his vulnerability is what i cannot let go of. he let go of me a long time ago.

his hug to me on friday nite was that of love's loss, not love's goodnight.

opt out now from FWB!

Sr. Member Posts: 396 scottish mailbear seeks honey Re: Back Deck Chat II « Reply #235 on: Today at 06:13:19 am » Quote Modify so good to check in here. really haveing a difficult week. loves. mostly. mymichael and i are not going to make it. from the fantasy land to real life. i m not sure if that is because of his oddities. (once a captain of your own boat, always a captain!) or my need to anchor somewhere and being willing to give up my 'rules' to do so., yeah, i am looking to be happy with my own routine. just been a beastly lonesome time. i wasn't expecting this. i was expecting closure. just not on the man i love like he is my own skin. Music is helping. I heard that it is frequent. the Significant Other who helps you through a difficult time, death, divorce, etc. is a transitory person. any stories? or am i the only one not married here now. something else i never wanted. to be unmarried again. but ya gotta have a man you can live with i guess. just rambling here. the good news is that Liam is moving back in this week, spring break. i hope we will be good for each other. i am not so confident these days about my charm, lol. feel pretty much like crap most of the time. tired of living inpain. the worst part is that i can take care of other people just fine, but not me.. scared to death and all the tough redhead jokes aren't working. {{bare}}{Ag}} {{chatters}}     Report Spam Logged All I want is one good man. A friend told me "Being the person that you are will bring you the person that you are supposed to be with. You do not want too much, never give up hope. "the one" will indeed find you. Do not lower your standards. You deserve to have what you want. CL ad

mrgoodwrench1951 Administrator Hero Member Posts: 1673 Re: Back Deck Chat II « Reply #236 on: Today at 06:25:43 am » Quote ((liz)) sorry about the tough time your're going through. I did not realize how serious things had gotten with you and the new guy. It's not easy being along and not easy being with someone new. I don't know what his oddities are but my other boss used to say that most of us are odd in one way or another. But if it's not meant to be, there is not much one can do. I've been married so long but prior to marriage had my heart broken. Love, marriage, being alone, none is easy at times. But Liam is moving back so that will be good (I hope). Regarding this time of year and tornadoes, it's not easy. The last few days we've had issues and they scare me but luckily nothing has come our way.     Report Spam Logged

misslizzy Sr. Member Posts: 396 scottish mailbear seeks honey Re: Back Deck Chat II « Reply #237 on: Today at 06:42:57 am » Quote Modify Thanks Annie! goodmorning! somedays i wake up and i still can't believe i am divorced. that i have no home, no family. no fucking purpose. almost not worth it. at least the asshole i was married to was predictable. and michael and i have been together a year in april. it is just unraveling and i am not doing anything one way or the other. he is very self contained. commercial fishermen, former alaskan, etc. his house is set up like his boat. and yeah i know more about what makes him an asshole after 9 months than i ever figured out about my husband, but it doesn't lessen the whole impact... i havent' brought it here really because i have had a 'handle' on it. there is alot of insecurity in my life right now. the apartment feel so transitional. not home. it probably wont' be. i am a financial wreck. not a nice thing to contemplate for my twilight years. i will never live down the credit problems from the last 10 years. i LIKE respectable. I lived my life for RESPECTABLE. and now the barefaced ass ex tells me he is reneging on bills that we had split up because he is panicking about the housepayment. and of course michael has had money his whole life. bought his first house when he was 18 and he just has no fucking sympathy at all.. i don not want to make my youngest my lifeline. not fair to him. in fact. i see two men in my life recently. michael is one of them. men over 45 whose mothers are their sole emotional support. best friends and confidants. and they wonder why they do not have successful marriages? my friend ron, his mom died two years ago, he is 54 now. and still lost without her. and he went through 4 marriages. so i have avoided doing that to my sons thus far. lucas came close, but we have done the young adult separating thing pretty good. i have no idea what it is like for girls and moms.. i knwo several women, some here. whose family is their lifeline, girls especially. i think those of us with boys have to try really harder.. lol

saturday morning after

saturday nite 6:15 pm

breakdown. he drains me and i have no one to refresh with. i am addicted to his smell and his skin. I cannot cry in front of him. twice last night, no reprieves. he says i can do better than him. i do not know what that means. i cannot imagine life without him and i cannot breathe right now. Is there none who love me? Where can i snuggle and cuddle and lie still and limply at rest. He didn't bind me and i needed that so badly. long touching. i needed. i cannot feel so i touch. then cry. this is nuts! Doesn't happen to me!

not feeling like a real victorious woman., he got a bud, a blowjob; made just the right noises and slept alone. i got nothing. no I love you, no I miss you. no fingerering off.

He played it really well when i started putting on my pants. Made the disappointed face, tried to act disappointed but not too much for fear i might stay. not too little for fear i might not feel wanted. he was relieved that i wasn't sharing his bed, i think. He said outside, "i thought you would stay?"

i replied, "Too much jeopardy." and left it at that.

and he hasnt' been up here to share mine or tuck me in.

Every time i get with him, i walk away hurting. i have to deflect his negative outlooks. And he is not tender with me except sexually. although he did say that he was learning or something to that effect about how fucked up he is in relationships.

He was satisfied to make me cry last night. But why he wouldn't get me off, even with rope and everything>?

nad now that he is goign to be a grandpa, and he made up with his dau,("it is a progressive thing, she hasn't spoken to me in two years"), his house is a shrine to missed opportunities from t he last two decades. nothing of me in there, not on the fridge, all his mom's stuff and lion stuff and kid stuff...

He held me, but his heart is not tender towards me. so what an obit.

i feel liket he loneliest girl int he world this morning. and it is saturday. i put all my energy towards him and got sucked clean.

while he was edge of his seat temperay about being 'bashed' online.

and last night was weird too. i dumped stewart's ass from online. Sockeye dumped me from online. Mick did some bizarre texting and hostile bs when i did not respond, something about making up, gawd.nice mailman. liam told me to fuck off and lucas was unusually coherent and emotional with me.

where is the man for me? and who will protect me?

i texted vanetti and told him where i was headed. don't know if he thot it was honesty or TMI. i am to meet him this week coming up...another man who doesn't actually LIVE his life. doesn't listen to music. doesn't visualize getting out of his rut to get into something new with a lover. has no where to host.

when will i learn that michael does not love me, if he ever did...

when will i learn, the things i want, strong arms, secure breathing. come with such a high price tag.. if they are not acquainted with God and are not His man first, what good is all of it. why love a man who is goign to perdition? and at the same time Michael's sensual energy is what i seek everywhere now. wrapped up in a man who knows how to have a relationship.

He keeps saying i can do better than him. well. don't keep pushing me away or i will go...what i did get from him is that is is afraid of losing me... he took exception to the sentence, "dumped my sweet scottish ass". Said i had to explain myself. that he did not do that... i replied, "i own my own words. that is what it felt like to me."

and then again why should i complain. i have beent  hrough at least a half a dozen cocks in the last three months, looking for something that fits. a man with music in his laughter and laughter in his eyes, and a place for me in his arms.

she is crying again

and desolate. spent time elsewhere when he refused to answer the phone.

with people who are also desolate.

my spirit is weary and heavy within me this week.

the hawk was tender with me last night.

i screamed at God yesterday. Eli.

me. love. being alone. deserving, confessing.

pressure of money and the things that have to come out.

soi much sorry and grief.

lord jesus, bless him and help me move on.

this wind blowing through my life is a killing wind.

when will i sleep together and lie down together

hard day, wednesday the third one of the month.

paycheck in today. not enough to go around.

tension, always more tension.

If i could just eliminate michael from my psyche.

he has hurt me more than the whole marriage put together. but at least for three months i knew

wheat a hot sumemr romance was

i knew he was in love with me.

twisted if you don't bend

clare bowditch said it well.

i couldn't feel so i learned how to touch.

i do not deserve a mindfuck. nor will i take it.

bye michael pii in your fucking eye.

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