i am out in the cold. always. forever. that is what it feels like.

you know, i have to remember that liam is only 6 months into living here again. lucas was neat too. spent all his time picking up and cleaning. before that, at the house i tried and trained and worked both boys. really almost until the last days of that ordeal. liam is pretty messy by my standards.
cleaning the pot and getting his hair off the bathroom floor. he does rinse his dishes and cleans up the kitchen pretty good.

all i have to offer is gifts of service, while i am learning to do and be new things, that is still something that gives me great joy.
my hospitality is the only other thing i have to offer.
i have no great wealth or successes. i trust no one will hold that against me.

 i have proved to myself i can make it alone and i am willing to prove it all over again.
for the first time in my life, i have allowed myself to think about moving into a man's circuit, his life, his home.
when i said i have never taken anything from a man or in relationships, i meant it. between david and daniel there was a whole decade there where i was self contained. sometimes a lover would spend the weekend, but i had not a single attachment where i went to them. and even with daniel, i provided the household and ya'll know the rest of that sadness.

i am more myself than i have been in years. i am not substituting a love for a need, if that makes sense.
i have a life here. it isn't all i hope for right now. i do fully expect to share that life with my man  at some date, but for now don't know how the details should look.

it will never be about anything else for me. let me give what comfort i can when my hands are tied by my circumstances. i am not always free to fly to a lover's arms as i desire. my sons need to see how i am when i am with a man who respects and loves me. they need to see lovers loving, to believe in love.

i went to the altar today for my son eli. his fear. i feel it sometimes. we are connected. he is so afraid and all i can do is pray. there is not another earthly thing possible right now.

the other result of church today, i decided to write.  something doing there with John 13 today, Jesus's story of washing his disciples feet to teach them a lesson in acceptance. the odd thing is that he already knew Judas Iscariot was his nemesis, but he washed his feet as well. that is the kind of master i serve who sends me.

i want love? i want kink? who can live with me? NO ONE>. except a muse. and my lover resigned from position as muse. all are for. strike that; were for him.... in place of him.. he occupies a larger portion of my day than any real person should need to deal with... i am fucking tired of this bullshit. and guard me old angel of mercy.

Ialac..

I am lovable and capable.. ialac... say that three times real fast.

It is hard to let go.

On May 21, 2009, at 6:42 AM, lizanne wrote:

i hate sowing a new crop and reaping the old at the same time, grrr..
]
good morning! bless me if it isn't a holiday to boot. memorial day monday. great.

daniel is having a really hard time. keep talking me through it ok?
For better or worse, in sickness and in health? wow. i think i really trashed that whole concept.
"what if" is killing me. i feel guilty. because now he is on short term disability and is panicky to the point where he is scaring me and eli.
they won't let him go back to work until he gets a letter from dr. brodie. and he can't do what he needs to do without work...such a hard place.

well, at any rate. i hope you h ave a good weekend! i have been doing a lot of frugal things. shrugs. i know it will pass.
love you lizanne

---

---

"i married badly but divorced well"~ Amy indigo girls

From Ellen K. my Irish mentor:

OK, friend. In sickness and health does not mean self-destruction. Repeat that 10x. Daniel is not just oh, my goodness, sick! He's dependent on others bailing him out, numbing his problems, avoidance of consequences, an addict to artificial chemicals and who knows what evil habits, a clever manipulator, and a young child who has never grown up. You did not promise in your marriage vows to be his mother and retrain him. You did not promise to put up with verbal and mental abuse. You did not promise to become mentally dependent on his sins, you did not promise to give 75-80-90% to the union, you did not promise to replace his problems as a god that requires sacrifices of your health and mind and soul. His problems are just that, his problems. You are not responsible for them, you are not able to solve them. Where he is is the result of a long-time spiral of choices. It's sad to say that he may need to suffer all this, but nothing else has gotten his attention. You would be doing him a disservice if you try to cushion the fall. You are not God.
None of the above means I'm trying to tell you what to do cuz I dont' have a clue, other than keep yourself and Liam safe and looking to the future. I don't even know what to tell you about Eli. Yes, you are his mother, but he, too, has made a choice, and until he decides to leave an abusive situation and realize that he cannot protect his father, there doesn't seem to be much you can do other than listen if he talks to you and to keep you door open to him if he comes to you.

Friends of ours had a daughter who repeatedly ran away as a teen, and after extensive driving around seattle in the middle of the night, counseling, and prayer (they are very strong Christians), they let her run away. They did not know where she was, who she was with or what she was doing. Yet they went on with their lives. Eventually she came back, when she was in her early 20's, I think. She now has a child and is a model of responsibility. She is blessed that she made it. Our friends never mention the past, and they have worked her right back into the pattern of their lives. Who knows? Only God, of course.
I'm praying. XO, E

When David left me and i moved into that apartment on the South HIll. i was petrified. When i got pregnant with Lucas and had to move in with strangers, i was enraged and terrified. When i was faced with every life decision having to do with "making it", including college and employment, i based everything on what would make me NOT feel afraid. and when i was still frighteneed to death i would run to someone who would ultimately leave me more afraid and the big plus, rejected.

I married out of fear, i took a job with the USPS out of fear, i got saved out of fear, i left my marriage out of fear. i really thought i was dead if i stayed. now i know how afraid i really am. and  where the anger comes from. and why it is important to hide that. it is not normal fear.  it is the fear of the neglected punished child. oh the whippings i endured, the silent treatment.

and who did i 'fall in love' with?

a man. who ignores me, took his love away from me when i didn't measure up, who sensed my fear and protected himself against it. Who treats me like crap. and then measures my physical addiction to him in small doses, it keeps me ravening. it is a short list. the one of things he DOES for/to me is longer!

Who loves me? Apparently a Creator Being with Superunimaginable powers. I am afraidof HIm too. He doesn't answer me when i call, he won't call me when i am having panic attacks and he won't send someone to love me who helps me feel NOT afraid. which is vital.

i thought it was my man because he is a powerful man. He spends all his energy controlling his own fears, building successes. His heart belongs to him. His life is centered around worldly endeavors. He worships success and his mom..

no wonder i have used anger to mask this terrible fear.. thanks dad for crippling me instead of affirming me.

Litany against fear

The litany against fear is an incantation used by the Bene Gesserit throughout the series to focus their minds and calm themselves in times of peril. The litany is as follows:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

(And when it has gone past i will see my freedom
W here the fear has gone there will be PEACE.)

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

april 16th 2009. a thursday.

i found out  yesterday for sure that my son eli at 16 years old, committed murder against his own baby. AShley aborted my grandchild in late february. for those sins HE died. such a waste, such a loss. A statement of anger and fear against us. the moral implications stun me. i couldn't stop weeping. Hevanu Shalom Alechem

God:

took my family away. not once. but twice.

i strove to be a good girl and look what happened. He shit on me.

Withholding financial blessing. insecurity and poverty.

marriage:

took away my security kept me in poverty.

promise of never being alone and i was never so alone as i was in marriage.

something bigger than one person, ended up them hating me, ignoring me, using me. that lack of respect enrages me. beause i worked hard at it. gave it everything.

lovers:

sickness of need, craving sex, but wanting an intuitive encounter. oxymoron. so i settle for the banging and then eat the grief. as i did when i was too young to know what that ravening feeling was.

i raven for fucking. for a pounding. for something to stir me so i cum.

and if you would only touch me, arrange my hair and be tender with me i could.

men who think i am provincial because i have never traveled.

my sons;

lost to the lord forever? the family split irreversible love damage?

i feel so guilty and angry.

and i hurt. my body hurts. i am scared most of the time. and i missed the opportunities to build lifetime friendships to carry me through. the kind where i carry you through as well.

so alone it is.

and my Father will not grant me MDN?

HIs face is ever etched in me. how many fucking obits are there.

jsut so fucking angry. i am IN a gutter, who needs alcohol.

sleeping alone. how many married people go from that to sleeping alone and do it well.

What a deep desire to be held in sleep. healed in sleep as well.

This is my refuge, my palace of retreat. my healing womb. and it sleeps one. beds~ strangely uncomfortable with the idea of a man here in my space. on my twin penance bed. suddenly the allegory strikes. it is a twin bed because you are to sleep alone.  they are operating within parameters that are completely conventional. i am not.

EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY
Why are you seeking a lover who is emotional UNavailable? My responses to Joy's quiestion cleary delineate the mental and physical. It is MY choice. no one will rip me out of their bed and heart and send me packing again. "You are not ready to be with me". ayah. sure, why not. fucker.

Why I took the leap from a 17-18 year marriage? Lying in bed, listening to his drunken breathing, i knew as he fell asleep how much he had to drink and if it ws hard liquor. Mourning the man i could not trust. There was NO SECURITY LEFT. no emotional availability, no mental replacements.

why not an attached lover? who will have the best of both worlds? He gets to wake up in the morning to the feel and warmth of his mate, his partner, his daily life. She is unavailable to him but wants the life enough she is sending him out to stray unpurpose. Either very wise or very stupid. time will tell. polyamory.

And then he gets the excitement and stimulation of an intimate incounter. knowing he is safe because the partner is  emotionally available to him. It comes as a package deal with the sensuality.

He is seeking the emotional connection outside the dailies. What does the third lover get? a lover who cannot spend the night, who is not emotionally available, who may come to see the three as a companion and a confidante but also not worthy to share his daily life.

i am desolate for no one to share my bed. and i have no protection against the fiends in this world. deal gently and richly with me, luve.

 kewl. internet harpies. like grandma with her nosed press to the crease in the curtain. ohmygoodjesus save me.

i invade people's privacy and their online personas. how?

by not asking first. for chatterbox provocateur. For using all three medioums to get a message/massage/muse through.

People's inboxes and profiles are like their underwear drawers, in a psyche sort of way. in a collective conscious though, that is an etiquette all empoetica and shit.

So, ask first. just like not assuming the person i am speaking with is an author or an intellectual worshiper or things congenially topicked. topic-ed! lol

no three to one. no response. motherfuck you.

my value is in what i create, not who i engage in my life.

aha. whatever. sure why not

Feb 18 - From the guy watching you right now - m4w - 26 - (in a tree outside your window..!) <<casualencounters

Reply to: pers-1040735405@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2009-02-18, 6:15PM PST


I am probably the strongest man I know, my brain bulges from my tall, lanky body like the peaks of Kilomojaro in africa. For a living, I work with my hands- I enjoy both chasing and teasing small animals. I know it is not nice but it is a lot of fun just like a rough massage. I work as a bee keeper in the cuntry by day and as a care giver by night. I graduated 108th of 110 at Olympic College, so watch out I am no dummy. In my spare time I enjoy many outdoor activities which include making fun of people less smarter than I, dressing up as a Sasquatch and than jumping out of trees to scare people (many times people actually believed a gorilla was attacking them) I also love running behind people and mimicking the way they run. When it comes to sports I am the Michael Jordan of Magic Cards I Simply do not loose and if I do you will be very verry sorry. I also am a big fan of bowling while wearing x-ray glasses this gives me the perfect edge over the pins. When I do have some spare time (if you have not yet realized it, I am very busy) I enjoy making sushi, sipping tea, and baking pie. I love cats, I have a small dirty cat who is the love of my life and not likely to be replaced by some breeze straight out of the night.

I don't believe in having sex on the first date but don't like having to wait until the second date so ideally we would need to have sex at the very end of the first date. Don't expect me to trust that some crazy girl of the internet is sane, so we will be meeting for tea somewhere in chinatown first.

As for what I desire in a woman, a must is a sense of humor, style, confidence, extreme wealth, as much smarts as me (not an easy thing to do, see above) and cute with breasts... maximum size small B cup, extremely perky like the perfectly formed water balloon I threw at the mailman yesterday.

This is well below my normal standards but thanks to the sunshine and being blinded by walking outside this morning, I have lowered my standards significantly. Take advantage of me now!

suddenly hit me harsh. I NEVER expected to be wiping down anyone cupboards but my own!

Why was i in a stranger's kitchen? such a keening wail.

Maybe if i was alone in aged crown? But marriage failed.

Took my famiy with it. Communion.

so this is how i pay. oh shit michael, michael....
multiply7 it. but not pushing for what you are doing
with me. you may not release me. Yet. ever.

"every year for 29 years, i wake up on my birthday and decide if this is the day i am going to commit suicide. sometimes it takes until late afternoon to weigh the options. this year? i already am dead~~dead to family, to love, to laughter, to new beginnings.... so turn the gas off, it will be a long year of sheer terror and misery, welcome to my life. and to my friends? i do not know why you give a shit. i have done nothing except burden you with bullshit. things i cannot repay or pass on. the black hole of calcutta, that is me."