i dont want to be alone

i have been alone my whole life. i must be complete in myself. no one can complete me. i am not the same person i was two years ago.

i am out in the cold. always. forever. that is what it feels like.

you know, i have to remember that liam is only 6 months into living here again. lucas was neat too. spent all his time picking up and cleaning. before that, at the house i tried and trained and worked both boys. really almost until the last days of that ordeal. liam is pretty messy by my standards.
cleaning the pot and getting his hair off the bathroom floor. he does rinse his dishes and cleans up the kitchen pretty good.

all i have to offer is gifts of service, while i am learning to do and be new things, that is still something that gives me great joy.
my hospitality is the only other thing i have to offer.
i have no great wealth or successes. i trust no one will hold that against me.

 i have proved to myself i can make it alone and i am willing to prove it all over again.
for the first time in my life, i have allowed myself to think about moving into a man's circuit, his life, his home.
when i said i have never taken anything from a man or in relationships, i meant it. between david and daniel there was a whole decade there where i was self contained. sometimes a lover would spend the weekend, but i had not a single attachment where i went to them. and even with daniel, i provided the household and ya'll know the rest of that sadness.

i am more myself than i have been in years. i am not substituting a love for a need, if that makes sense.
i have a life here. it isn't all i hope for right now. i do fully expect to share that life with my man  at some date, but for now don't know how the details should look.

it will never be about anything else for me. let me give what comfort i can when my hands are tied by my circumstances. i am not always free to fly to a lover's arms as i desire. my sons need to see how i am when i am with a man who respects and loves me. they need to see lovers loving, to believe in love.

i went to the altar today for my son eli. his fear. i feel it sometimes. we are connected. he is so afraid and all i can do is pray. there is not another earthly thing possible right now.

the other result of church today, i decided to write.  something doing there with John 13 today, Jesus's story of washing his disciples feet to teach them a lesson in acceptance. the odd thing is that he already knew Judas Iscariot was his nemesis, but he washed his feet as well. that is the kind of master i serve who sends me.