The REAL problem

Got some things straight again.  how powerful the realm of fear in my life. the only change i make is to note that when fear has gone, its path is plain to see. wrong decisions, loves held against their will, no natural deaths anywhere, t he remains of the day at other people's feasts. The Things We Do For Love(10cc)  is equal to the Things WE Do To Not Feel Afraid.

When David left me and i moved into that apartment on the South HIll. i was petrified. When i got pregnant with Lucas and had to move in with strangers, i was enraged and terrified. When i was faced with every life decision having to do with "making it", including college and employment, i based everything on what would make me NOT feel afraid. and when i was still frighteneed to death i would run to someone who would ultimately leave me more afraid and the big plus, rejected.

I married out of fear, i took a job with the USPS out of fear, i got saved out of fear, i left my marriage out of fear. i really thought i was dead if i stayed. now i know how afraid i really am. and  where the anger comes from. and why it is important to hide that. it is not normal fear.  it is the fear of the neglected punished child. oh the whippings i endured, the silent treatment.

and who did i 'fall in love' with?

a man. who ignores me, took his love away from me when i didn't measure up, who sensed my fear and protected himself against it. Who treats me like crap. and then measures my physical addiction to him in small doses, it keeps me ravening. it is a short list. the one of things he DOES for/to me is longer!

Who loves me? Apparently a Creator Being with Superunimaginable powers. I am afraidof HIm too. He doesn't answer me when i call, he won't call me when i am having panic attacks and he won't send someone to love me who helps me feel NOT afraid. which is vital.

i thought it was my man because he is a powerful man. He spends all his energy controlling his own fears, building successes. His heart belongs to him. His life is centered around worldly endeavors. He worships success and his mom..

no wonder i have used anger to mask this terrible fear.. thanks dad for crippling me instead of affirming me.

Litany against fear

The litany against fear is an incantation used by the Bene Gesserit throughout the series to focus their minds and calm themselves in times of peril. The litany is as follows:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

(And when it has gone past i will see my freedom
W here the fear has gone there will be PEACE.)

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.