AHA MOMENTS

this morning. weeping in the Spirit for the pride. for the years. like a dreamweaver. singing the Azazel losses; entrenched thinking; lost potential, a lack of love for salvation and service in the kingdom... "pray for those who despitefully use you. Bless and do not curse." ok. i got that part. But it struck me that i should not expect the same comforts as the rest of humanity. Kind of like R.'s Lakota Heyokah spirit... i am the sin eater. i know my role and who i am and what i do.

i want love? i want kink? who can live with me? NO ONE>. except a muse. and my lover resigned from position as muse. all are for. strike that; were for him.... in place of him.. he occupies a larger portion of my day than any real person should need to deal with... i am fucking tired of this bullshit. and guard me old angel of mercy.

Ialac..

I am lovable and capable.. ialac... say that three times real fast.

It is hard to let go.

On May 21, 2009, at 6:42 AM, lizanne wrote:

i hate sowing a new crop and reaping the old at the same time, grrr..
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good morning! bless me if it isn't a holiday to boot. memorial day monday. great.

daniel is having a really hard time. keep talking me through it ok?
For better or worse, in sickness and in health? wow. i think i really trashed that whole concept.
"what if" is killing me. i feel guilty. because now he is on short term disability and is panicky to the point where he is scaring me and eli.
they won't let him go back to work until he gets a letter from dr. brodie. and he can't do what he needs to do without work...such a hard place.

well, at any rate. i hope you h ave a good weekend! i have been doing a lot of frugal things. shrugs. i know it will pass.
love you lizanne

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"i married badly but divorced well"~ Amy indigo girls

From Ellen K. my Irish mentor:

OK, friend. In sickness and health does not mean self-destruction. Repeat that 10x. Daniel is not just oh, my goodness, sick! He's dependent on others bailing him out, numbing his problems, avoidance of consequences, an addict to artificial chemicals and who knows what evil habits, a clever manipulator, and a young child who has never grown up. You did not promise in your marriage vows to be his mother and retrain him. You did not promise to put up with verbal and mental abuse. You did not promise to become mentally dependent on his sins, you did not promise to give 75-80-90% to the union, you did not promise to replace his problems as a god that requires sacrifices of your health and mind and soul. His problems are just that, his problems. You are not responsible for them, you are not able to solve them. Where he is is the result of a long-time spiral of choices. It's sad to say that he may need to suffer all this, but nothing else has gotten his attention. You would be doing him a disservice if you try to cushion the fall. You are not God.
None of the above means I'm trying to tell you what to do cuz I dont' have a clue, other than keep yourself and Liam safe and looking to the future. I don't even know what to tell you about Eli. Yes, you are his mother, but he, too, has made a choice, and until he decides to leave an abusive situation and realize that he cannot protect his father, there doesn't seem to be much you can do other than listen if he talks to you and to keep you door open to him if he comes to you.

Friends of ours had a daughter who repeatedly ran away as a teen, and after extensive driving around seattle in the middle of the night, counseling, and prayer (they are very strong Christians), they let her run away. They did not know where she was, who she was with or what she was doing. Yet they went on with their lives. Eventually she came back, when she was in her early 20's, I think. She now has a child and is a model of responsibility. She is blessed that she made it. Our friends never mention the past, and they have worked her right back into the pattern of their lives. Who knows? Only God, of course.
I'm praying. XO, E