Anger, What is it Good For?

Good thing i get woken up early. i dunno know if this list will stay. i have managed ot keep the "wrestling with my faith" stuff out of this journal for every entry is implicitly implied. here is the list:

God:

took my family away. not once. but twice.

i strove to be a good girl and look what happened. He shit on me.

Withholding financial blessing. insecurity and poverty.

marriage:

took away my security kept me in poverty.

promise of never being alone and i was never so alone as i was in marriage.

something bigger than one person, ended up them hating me, ignoring me, using me. that lack of respect enrages me. beause i worked hard at it. gave it everything.

lovers:

sickness of need, craving sex, but wanting an intuitive encounter. oxymoron. so i settle for the banging and then eat the grief. as i did when i was too young to know what that ravening feeling was.

i raven for fucking. for a pounding. for something to stir me so i cum.

and if you would only touch me, arrange my hair and be tender with me i could.

men who think i am provincial because i have never traveled.

my sons;

lost to the lord forever? the family split irreversible love damage?

i feel so guilty and angry.

and i hurt. my body hurts. i am scared most of the time. and i missed the opportunities to build lifetime friendships to carry me through. the kind where i carry you through as well.

so alone it is.

and my Father will not grant me MDN?

HIs face is ever etched in me. how many fucking obits are there.

jsut so fucking angry. i am IN a gutter, who needs alcohol.