i dont want to be alone

i have been alone my whole life. i must be complete in myself. no one can complete me. i am not the same person i was two years ago.

i am out in the cold. always. forever. that is what it feels like.

you know, i have to remember that liam is only 6 months into living here again. lucas was neat too. spent all his time picking up and cleaning. before that, at the house i tried and trained and worked both boys. really almost until the last days of that ordeal. liam is pretty messy by my standards.
cleaning the pot and getting his hair off the bathroom floor. he does rinse his dishes and cleans up the kitchen pretty good.

all i have to offer is gifts of service, while i am learning to do and be new things, that is still something that gives me great joy.
my hospitality is the only other thing i have to offer.
i have no great wealth or successes. i trust no one will hold that against me.

 i have proved to myself i can make it alone and i am willing to prove it all over again.
for the first time in my life, i have allowed myself to think about moving into a man's circuit, his life, his home.
when i said i have never taken anything from a man or in relationships, i meant it. between david and daniel there was a whole decade there where i was self contained. sometimes a lover would spend the weekend, but i had not a single attachment where i went to them. and even with daniel, i provided the household and ya'll know the rest of that sadness.

i am more myself than i have been in years. i am not substituting a love for a need, if that makes sense.
i have a life here. it isn't all i hope for right now. i do fully expect to share that life with my man  at some date, but for now don't know how the details should look.

it will never be about anything else for me. let me give what comfort i can when my hands are tied by my circumstances. i am not always free to fly to a lover's arms as i desire. my sons need to see how i am when i am with a man who respects and loves me. they need to see lovers loving, to believe in love.

i went to the altar today for my son eli. his fear. i feel it sometimes. we are connected. he is so afraid and all i can do is pray. there is not another earthly thing possible right now.

the other result of church today, i decided to write.  something doing there with John 13 today, Jesus's story of washing his disciples feet to teach them a lesson in acceptance. the odd thing is that he already knew Judas Iscariot was his nemesis, but he washed his feet as well. that is the kind of master i serve who sends me.

AHA MOMENTS

this morning. weeping in the Spirit for the pride. for the years. like a dreamweaver. singing the Azazel losses; entrenched thinking; lost potential, a lack of love for salvation and service in the kingdom... "pray for those who despitefully use you. Bless and do not curse." ok. i got that part. But it struck me that i should not expect the same comforts as the rest of humanity. Kind of like R.'s Lakota Heyokah spirit... i am the sin eater. i know my role and who i am and what i do.

i want love? i want kink? who can live with me? NO ONE>. except a muse. and my lover resigned from position as muse. all are for. strike that; were for him.... in place of him.. he occupies a larger portion of my day than any real person should need to deal with... i am fucking tired of this bullshit. and guard me old angel of mercy.

Ialac..

I am lovable and capable.. ialac... say that three times real fast.

It is hard to let go.

On May 21, 2009, at 6:42 AM, lizanne wrote:

i hate sowing a new crop and reaping the old at the same time, grrr..
]
good morning! bless me if it isn't a holiday to boot. memorial day monday. great.

daniel is having a really hard time. keep talking me through it ok?
For better or worse, in sickness and in health? wow. i think i really trashed that whole concept.
"what if" is killing me. i feel guilty. because now he is on short term disability and is panicky to the point where he is scaring me and eli.
they won't let him go back to work until he gets a letter from dr. brodie. and he can't do what he needs to do without work...such a hard place.

well, at any rate. i hope you h ave a good weekend! i have been doing a lot of frugal things. shrugs. i know it will pass.
love you lizanne

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"i married badly but divorced well"~ Amy indigo girls

From Ellen K. my Irish mentor:

OK, friend. In sickness and health does not mean self-destruction. Repeat that 10x. Daniel is not just oh, my goodness, sick! He's dependent on others bailing him out, numbing his problems, avoidance of consequences, an addict to artificial chemicals and who knows what evil habits, a clever manipulator, and a young child who has never grown up. You did not promise in your marriage vows to be his mother and retrain him. You did not promise to put up with verbal and mental abuse. You did not promise to become mentally dependent on his sins, you did not promise to give 75-80-90% to the union, you did not promise to replace his problems as a god that requires sacrifices of your health and mind and soul. His problems are just that, his problems. You are not responsible for them, you are not able to solve them. Where he is is the result of a long-time spiral of choices. It's sad to say that he may need to suffer all this, but nothing else has gotten his attention. You would be doing him a disservice if you try to cushion the fall. You are not God.
None of the above means I'm trying to tell you what to do cuz I dont' have a clue, other than keep yourself and Liam safe and looking to the future. I don't even know what to tell you about Eli. Yes, you are his mother, but he, too, has made a choice, and until he decides to leave an abusive situation and realize that he cannot protect his father, there doesn't seem to be much you can do other than listen if he talks to you and to keep you door open to him if he comes to you.

Friends of ours had a daughter who repeatedly ran away as a teen, and after extensive driving around seattle in the middle of the night, counseling, and prayer (they are very strong Christians), they let her run away. They did not know where she was, who she was with or what she was doing. Yet they went on with their lives. Eventually she came back, when she was in her early 20's, I think. She now has a child and is a model of responsibility. She is blessed that she made it. Our friends never mention the past, and they have worked her right back into the pattern of their lives. Who knows? Only God, of course.
I'm praying. XO, E

The REAL problem

Got some things straight again.  how powerful the realm of fear in my life. the only change i make is to note that when fear has gone, its path is plain to see. wrong decisions, loves held against their will, no natural deaths anywhere, t he remains of the day at other people's feasts. The Things We Do For Love(10cc)  is equal to the Things WE Do To Not Feel Afraid.

When David left me and i moved into that apartment on the South HIll. i was petrified. When i got pregnant with Lucas and had to move in with strangers, i was enraged and terrified. When i was faced with every life decision having to do with "making it", including college and employment, i based everything on what would make me NOT feel afraid. and when i was still frighteneed to death i would run to someone who would ultimately leave me more afraid and the big plus, rejected.

I married out of fear, i took a job with the USPS out of fear, i got saved out of fear, i left my marriage out of fear. i really thought i was dead if i stayed. now i know how afraid i really am. and  where the anger comes from. and why it is important to hide that. it is not normal fear.  it is the fear of the neglected punished child. oh the whippings i endured, the silent treatment.

and who did i 'fall in love' with?

a man. who ignores me, took his love away from me when i didn't measure up, who sensed my fear and protected himself against it. Who treats me like crap. and then measures my physical addiction to him in small doses, it keeps me ravening. it is a short list. the one of things he DOES for/to me is longer!

Who loves me? Apparently a Creator Being with Superunimaginable powers. I am afraidof HIm too. He doesn't answer me when i call, he won't call me when i am having panic attacks and he won't send someone to love me who helps me feel NOT afraid. which is vital.

i thought it was my man because he is a powerful man. He spends all his energy controlling his own fears, building successes. His heart belongs to him. His life is centered around worldly endeavors. He worships success and his mom..

no wonder i have used anger to mask this terrible fear.. thanks dad for crippling me instead of affirming me.

Litany against fear

The litany against fear is an incantation used by the Bene Gesserit throughout the series to focus their minds and calm themselves in times of peril. The litany is as follows:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

(And when it has gone past i will see my freedom
W here the fear has gone there will be PEACE.)

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

to my son on easter

love you all the way to where we are going.
all the way from the start.
you are the first person i think about in the morning
and the last person i hug before i go to sleep.
you are too old for bunnies with flannel ears
N too smart for the playboy bunny.
but nobunny loves you like the genuine original easter bunny

april 16th 2009. a thursday.

i found out  yesterday for sure that my son eli at 16 years old, committed murder against his own baby. AShley aborted my grandchild in late february. for those sins HE died. such a waste, such a loss. A statement of anger and fear against us. the moral implications stun me. i couldn't stop weeping. Hevanu Shalom Alechem

Anger, What is it Good For?

Good thing i get woken up early. i dunno know if this list will stay. i have managed ot keep the "wrestling with my faith" stuff out of this journal for every entry is implicitly implied. here is the list:

God:

took my family away. not once. but twice.

i strove to be a good girl and look what happened. He shit on me.

Withholding financial blessing. insecurity and poverty.

marriage:

took away my security kept me in poverty.

promise of never being alone and i was never so alone as i was in marriage.

something bigger than one person, ended up them hating me, ignoring me, using me. that lack of respect enrages me. beause i worked hard at it. gave it everything.

lovers:

sickness of need, craving sex, but wanting an intuitive encounter. oxymoron. so i settle for the banging and then eat the grief. as i did when i was too young to know what that ravening feeling was.

i raven for fucking. for a pounding. for something to stir me so i cum.

and if you would only touch me, arrange my hair and be tender with me i could.

men who think i am provincial because i have never traveled.

my sons;

lost to the lord forever? the family split irreversible love damage?

i feel so guilty and angry.

and i hurt. my body hurts. i am scared most of the time. and i missed the opportunities to build lifetime friendships to carry me through. the kind where i carry you through as well.

so alone it is.

and my Father will not grant me MDN?

HIs face is ever etched in me. how many fucking obits are there.

jsut so fucking angry. i am IN a gutter, who needs alcohol.