june is about healing? WED. the last of them.

i thought this was a healing season and then it comes across again as the ache inmy loins, nolion here to fill me.. the broken heart where my middles son lives..

The statement, "I've been where you are going !" from him. and now, i see the lightman in that exact same place except this time it is me haveing gone before. it validates my experience. i wonder if mylion struggles with the viewpoiknt as represented a wee bit different by someone else. it is a temptation to force a reltionship into your familair grooves. it is an natural response to hurt, even when healed. healing is what it is about though.

it is a privelge to set someone selse on the path of healing. even the completley 'vanilla' stuff on an x-rated site... takin' the gospel to where it matters.. and devopling skina nd tolerance and compassion at the smae time. developing as a human being.

ok. that is before dinner. love that thought proces..

what he called the stigma "two sfailed marriages ands missed opportunites." so the place is real.

where i said it was better go back and put up with the shit, or at least just quit fighting. quit trying.

hah. tuna casserole coming up.

SOBERING~~

L.: Thanks for the grace luve. So good to bury my nose in your skin. The owie is all better. (you, me, the devil makes three~ A sweet menage ^atrois)
M.: are you, were you, how can you be bored...LOL
pssst...as long as the devil has long legs all the way to her pussy and flaming red hair.
L.: I can see your hands. Good hands and a deep voice. Who DO you think that is? Yes you

reflections on family and the extra entry for June you knew was coming!

Hey Lady,
So I'm an impromptu Grandfather and Father

What is my relationship the "the Family"
I'm stuck in Silverdale, can you pickup __- from her friends?
I need gas money
__- is stealing my makeup, staying up all night texting friends after sneeking my phone, wearing "my" clothes!!!!
Can you help me with my homework, funny when I don't know it __- does and and helps too! Ha!
Grandpa can you help me with my homework
If I make the patato salad can we have a BBQ tonight?
Every year I take __- Christmas shopping so she can buy some nice gifts to give
They watch the house and animals when I'm away for the weekend
The other day J. says "your older and know more so I'm asking for some guidance here"
The color you picked sucks, "we" need to pick out a more manly color for you bachlor pad(TRUST HER ON THIS!!)
When it snowed I took out the 4 wheeler and got baby formula and diapers
Drove them to Seattle in the Snow and ice so they could be with the family for Christmas

Yes I'd say we're "Family"
I'm happy to have one
Thanks for listening

i have to quote you:
"Just want to say thanks for valuing my opinion. Ego boost! :) I feel useful! Someone actually thinks I can provide useful information"

you probably don't know how many people value your opinion. i was very glad to have a clear eyed, balanced person like you assessing and opining, lol. your friend is lucky to have you participate.
i miss relying on my hubby to take a second look at things. i knew his bias-es so i could tell if he was on the money. we agreed on many things so i like to think i provided him good counsel too. but i suck people's brains dry that are over me in some capacity. my pastor, my counselor. once i learned that everything i knew was right was ACTUALLY wrong i think the teachable moment became a reality. what us jesus lovers like to call a "teachable spirit ".

i was very hard of hearing for many years. and probably why i am not farther along the road. but now when i listen and brace for the impact of new truth and knowledge becoming application, it seems i see the reward clearer, or the outcomes are more tangibles. for so .l\long it was like swimming against the current of my past and proclivities, spawning nothing worth keeping.

i was able to tell lucas last night that where he is at just turned 24 with an 18 month old daughter and a broken relationship with the mother?
HIS place right now is a huge improvement over my generation. me at 25 with a small baby and no skills and no relaiionships and no future and no education. only fear.. told him he was a credit to his generation and that mistakes are made so that men are made from the fallout.. keep trying. disengage from the woman, do not harden your heart against your daughter. it wont make leaving her any easier. Tomania's decision to stay here instead of working with the diving employment of her 'ex' is torturing both of them. at least they love their kid with all their hearts. they should de-polarize and yet support. lucas is trying.
so yeah. time with him wound so tight>? really trying. i think i stressed him out more. he can't adjust our mom-son-friend thing right now either. post marriage mom is being resisted by all the boys. although liam is more tolerant even though he lives with me.

i degress. nice alley. have a good time finding your way back. **waves**

i do not take things personally, but i tend to have puns at the tip of my tongue and bookish references handly. i do not ever poke fun at people, like 'fat ass' or 'loser' or stuff like that. ty

i am watching my 16 year old live through what i said i would never put my kids through. emphasis mine. now with the ex's situation, it hasn't changed his choice or there would be ramifications... he is an odd young man. his word is his word. he is not wound up right, lol. love him to death. have a shrine to him here in m y bedroom wall. rocks candles pictures gradeschool art. all that is left of my boy.

i think i stopped believing in that everybody gets second chances. after my ex ran me through about 20 second chances. gets old.
so no., i do not tolerate my mistakes well any more. more apt to say fuck it. .

. . you see, i operate on all channels some are all nighters too, !

JUNE THE MIDDLE OF ME!

summer solstice and lithua! ron

birthday # 24! lucas

graduation! lucas

school is out@! eli and liam

CARBON LEAF CONCERT ON FRIDAY!@!!!! ME AND LUCAS!

car wreck! me of course

DUI!!!!! dan of course

WHAT A WEEK! A YEAR OF GRIEF ALL WRAPPED UP INTO ONE WEEK

AND now tomania is threatening lucas with child support. she stays here. they trade off addie. and she looks and feels neglected.

ok, now on to the important things.

my mantra with m... if there is a problem i go to him and say "I have business with you".

that is something he responded to really well yesterday. the hug he gave me was long and intenese. he knew i needed help. we talked out the
AFF thing.

he told me "You out think me on this one. you arel ike three steps ahead of me" and he was amazed. that a woman could out think him. ok, kudos to me.

i asked him to forgive me. and he took all of one day to get over his pissy fit. wow.

mantra number two. he can't handle tears and he wouldn't come comfort me. "NO." he said. "Not tonight. not now. give me a ocuple of hours"

when i went there yesterday, he was good to me.

m. has clean hands. he is shitty at relationships but he has clean hands. a man's hands. he looked up the definition of monogamous. it does mean committed first to marriage. then committed to a mate.

i am finally after all this time, his admitted companion. "I tried to drive you away 50 times and you keep coming back!"

well, i see the good in him. so there that is.

ok., they are going to fix my Jeep.to the tune of $4000

and dan's DUI is going to cost him. i dropped him from the insurance. got my own.

i will, by the end of the month have filled out the quit claim deed form for the house. so  safeco can get me off there too.

no, i am not using m... for stress relief. my world is so much brighter with him in it.

like he said, "YOu can make it without me and me make it without you, but it will be better to make it with each other" or something like that. so that is my promise.

i can finally see. my jaded man knows that hanging out with jaded people does not help.

thank you jesus and bless him and bless my list. thank you for J. for hte rental car.

JUNE 10, the month is flying. and draggin.

tonight you are first onmy list≥
that would be email list.
having one stiff gin and strawberry lemonade.
your word construction gives me pause. i find i re read and you are very layered. i like that.
thing do NOT always come around full ciricle. sometimes it is more like whip lash...
talking to people and journaling. the act of writing is healing for me.

one of the things you should know about tantra and me. i am not sensually broken. more like peaking.
i am emotionally and physically deprived of touch. probably a lot less than most people. but it sometimes tends to blur my decisions. skew. alslant. obfuscate. love that word!

so essentially broken there. i like women's touch too. i want the manual arousal from a woman and ditto to give..
but mostly. i now know. for the first time in my life what i like. what i don't. not so easy to settle for now.
that is why there are so huge amounts of 40's eomthings online playing hard. for raw emotion.
we gave it away in our teens or our twenties. we obsessed over it before we were teens.
we gave our lives in our thirties to the cause of domestic bliss, sometimes into our 40's

now we aint giving nuthin' up for much!
and on the other hand we would give our WORLD for a crumb of genuine affection..the little moments that so many people online write of eloquently. almost sociological logical commentary.

even being misunderstood is better than being ignored.

but a lover who likes his lady top hat but doesn't help pay for the upkeep? i spend a lot of time and energy keeping the old gal in shape. so what do i get in return? men who wear sweatpants or the 15 year old boots. oik.. nevver mindddd....about the boots, lol

love a man in boots. love it when you have appeal and are not overly confident. the masterful manly man gets old in about 6 encounters. i like growlers and biters.


a bathroom division tug of war. sometimes funny sometimes not s. a breathing chest next to me at 2 am. a quick smooch on the way in and out.o


On Jun 9, 2009, at 4:53 AM, mail.com wrote:

No, things just are not that easy are they?
With a good partner maybe they will at least seem easier, happier maybe. My hope
It's not a bad thing to want more, or at least different, what you consider better for you
Don't settle, this is for you first, if it's good for anyone else that's a bonus,
Things come around full circle

Find that fucking cell phone and turn it off!!!

it is june

The first Wednesday of June.

after the first Tuesday night. HE was so hard on me. Just a few degrees off.. Like he isn't long on attitude. Like he was angry that i made an effort to entice him.

"I want you to have a worthy toy when i need to come play" i said. "Get that?"

He said he wouldn't remember that for the next time.

i had sent him a quick Yahoo from my phone pix of my legs. and asked him if he was ready for the wild west lizAnnie. It all should have been OK> Why it turned into something else i do not know.

well, now i know that is is old wounds not healed properly. i and he are here. He has to want to be healed though. pussy paws.

i asked him not to make a smokescreen for me and him. WE already lived through MY situation. That last stand. The one thing we were going to never have to go through again. another marriage gone into dust. faith, hope and love in the dust that follows. HIs regrets and mine.

i and he; afraid to believe in what is good; karma being good and not bad. "It's karma."

"So what did you do right to get me?"

"haha. you are pretty quick with that." \Disbelief colors everything. skews it.

he asked me point blank if i had been with anyone and he was making the bed the whole time. as he would not meet my eyes and he said he hadn't either. i guess it was bugging him. it totally shocked me. And it was not totally personal either.

. to be in the in between place in ones life does not preclude loving. agreed.

worldly trust is not trust at all. it is dependent on people and not your faith.

the anguish when he said, 'have been on cloud nine and i never again becasue i have been screwed over too many times'.

so i said, ' painful watching me?".

"oh god yes", he replied. so he knows what i am emoting is real.

Please don't let the hyenas win. HIs wounds need his healing. Acceptance.

I told him what it was like to kiss him. how it made me feel....lying there on his bed, trying desperately to reach him

before he gets locked into hearing the finality in his voice. "I don't know where i will be in a year" "I am really a simple guy" "You know what is right and wrong, you know you have a kid at home" i had to sit down on the couch for a minute. had a panic attack. started to fall apart.

but the one that hurt was that i was so much more outgoing. like it is a bad thing. how hard it is for me to be outgoing. somewhere between wary of the wwounds and tongue tied. i just want him to do bad things with me and not stop. i want hugs when no hug is warranted. i want to be interrupted just because we are in the same space. i want surprises under my pillow at night and i want to slip into the shower with him when he leasts expects it.

when he tucked me into the Jeep he knew that "talk to you soon" was in place of "I love you". the tears still in my eyes.

so i talked to the healer and was asked point blank, "What makes you think he loves you."

"I feel him" seemed like a really lame answer.