Death Rattle

Death Rattle~~tonight my husband asked me for a "second chance".

Reply, "we needed to go our separate ways in 2002. this is a 'we' situation just like any other one. Except there is an absence of healthy love here. which does not negate the 'relationship' aspect. The answer is i cannot and will not live the rest of my life out with a toxic person (other than me!**grins*) ".

But even so, he treats it like a story he heard. Like he has to work at interpreting how he should react. i think he watched one too many soaps.

and leaving my sons.. well, more than tough. . . . if they are to understand this dynamic of alcoholism and emotional/chemical problems, they will have to relate with it on their/his terms. at least for now. Like my Latino sister said, "Boys stay with/need their father." Lord knows i am there anyway for  them and they know it.

right now, the hard part is over. the rest is just logistics and organising. So Roberta's RV for the duration, summer?. trying to get hubby to pay his share = mortgage.  trying to get caught up to file. as long as no one fills his ears with b.s. at work, we ought to figure it out.not going to get either of us screwed. in the meantime he goes between vestigial and abusive. pretty much his mind is shot and it is showing.

one last thing. totally still IN the moment. Three trusted friends (couples too) tell me, "I don't know why you stuck it out this long"
makes me want to lie down and wail like a grieving Jewess. my captivity was for naught. i submtted to marriage and didn't make it. the stuff movies are made of..

sometimes that 18 inches between my brain and my AHA is a looooong ways..