first Day of June, Aroused and weeping

first Day of June, Aroused and weeping~~second day of life.
awash in sensation. focus is incredible. sense of interconnecting not observing. seeing "dirt and rocks"(UKleG) patterns everywhere. repeating. every time i think i get it, a new piece comes up and points the way to cappadocia. am so overwhelmed. sleep is impossible. how to manage, no NOT manage; open wide enough to not miss a drop.

always look for confirmation in music. How bizarre that out of an entire store, one CD turned my head, saw her in a swirl of gown and joy~ with MY voice on the inside. After the keyboard obit, i needed the reassurance that my muse has not forsaken me. each track, speaking to a particular insight or emotion.
Purified, blessed, covered his road with this music as well..It lasted exactly long enough for 50 miles and a last hurrah in ferry line.. with the sun setting over the mountains...bliss. thank you



The outcome of epiphany accompanied by voluptuous acceptance. Immediate action required. Ann provided her PT gym and gave me woman balm to get me through the pain, unfucking believable pain of forgiving the transgression against Father's creation first. The shock is a domino effect.
am perfectly aware how my Father fits me close to Him throughout.

Yet it is NOT crazy because suddenly nothing is hard. not hard to do, or see or try or commit. everything is do-able that has to do with me.. had cigarettes in my face recently. no temptation there. another toxic stronghold of bread under misery syndrome so weakened in the last 6 years, finally broken.

**shrug** on the family things.. they have their own course.
my promise to God and me is to be gentle with this man who is so bent on destroying. He had me and abused the privilege. I had him and abused m power over him as a woman. the obit is that it cannot be undone and for that i weep. everywhere i see pieces of that pattern. ya, we bring it on ourselves. wanting outcomes without going through the journey.


I am not ashamed to work for a living. All work is meaningful. means no manicures though. i miss that.

at least my conscience is clear for the most part. I have never said, 'no, i will not.' when confronted with truth. A whole lot of misunderstanding, mis-application, but i desired the outcome and already knew the work. guilty of much else though...murder, adultery and meddling without empathy or wisdom. not for his benefit, but for my needs.. that is the death of every marriage eventually given a lack of leadership. He should have spanked me from day one. We would be doing well. NO JOKES< plz.

today
oh! and oh! it is spectacular! i joined the human race today even if briefly. it was like i had JOY written on my forehead. Everyone i met today responded to something i was projecting! It startles me! I was greeted by no less that 7 strangers, accosted in speech by no less than 3 women i had never met. Looked into the eyes (sexy!) of a homelss man on the corner with his sign. Stopped in traffic. i asked him if he would share my strawberries for i am flat broke.. He accepted with such grace. lovely. Antoher lesson in acceptance vs. my ungracious rebellion.
everyone i made eye contact with today smiled at me, like i really existed? i cannot explain it, another casacde of dominos.

i really need Him to manage this cascade, flood of sensation and tell me what is going on.  brutal week..

this giving a man the power of 'me' to un -become an object by ritualizing natural flows that have become blocked. How will i find sensual power in this?
So the fairy tale really is correct. i would rather die frozen in my pride, always on the edge of pleasure than plead to change the form while there is time. that was powerful to work out in writing. love it when the pieces come together under my hands but i don't know how they fit yet. that story has been demanding creation for over a year now.. how frozen this sexuality became. repeated wounds.

This motivates me. The Father's hand to ????? hands....delicious terror and want.

if this is cruising for bruising then start the music now.
Playlist:
Baisa on Broadway
andrea Boccelli