The last Wednesday of my half-life

So, no one wants to hear about the meltdown of the sons when they realized i am serious about leaving them 'alone' with daddy dearest. some ways-mending much needed. How he stopped for a hug today on the route on his way home from work and got all teary-eyed.

So (word of the week!) i have to relate this hilarious bit.  Youngest Dear Son (YDS) gets my 'old' cellphone now that i have a new one. been a couple of weeks. Side note: The best thing for marital problems? Small electronic gadgets. sigh, i am sooooo not a girl.

 So tonite i take the time to run it to the Verizon store(makes the sign of the evil eye and spits three times!), activate it and run it to the house for him. Gotta heck the mail, connect with Middle Problem Son (MPS) who is glad to see me but still mad as hell.

On the way to the house, i realize i have not erased the locked messages, the calls, etc. and it is going to a 14-year-old. So, driving down the road with one hand on the wheel, one hand manipulating the menus, erasing and then BINGO!!

I come across two messages from Master J., sent early on to me. The day i had breakdown on the route and called him Vai Dom under extreme stress. I didn't know if he was playing me, or pushing me. All texting on MY work time. so not good..It was  the day he learned i was bread and butter, lol.

Anyway, i had saved these two messages and so i forwarded them to my 'new' phone from the 'old' phone which is now YDS's phone number, etc.

Get to the house, i hand YDS the phone, get in a pissing match about this and  that an his phone rings. He hands it to me and stalks off. I don't recognize the number, but answer it.

This HOSTILE woman is on the other end. "I received a text message from this number. A COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE MESSAGE!!!"

i hold the phone back away from my ear and look at the number. YUP, it is one digit off from mine. So now i know what happened to the other forwarded text message, right.

So, i reply, "Oh, i was transferring from one phone to another and it must have....."

that is as far as i got for she started in again. How inappropriate it was. She was shocked. etc. blah scream blah.

I interrupt her rant and repeat the text message back to her. "You mean the one that says, "you are my desire, my mission, my muse, my lovely.....?"

She interrupts me to bark, "Yes! And A SLUT?! ! ! ! ! !WHAT ABOUT THAT?! ! ! ! ! ? SLUT?"

i was so fucking dumfounded by her OVER-reaction, i simply said, "Lady, you need to get laid!" and hung up. YDS is  still so absorbed in my failure to take him WITH to get the phonebook contacts  changed that he hasn't really heard a word. I turn the phone off and tell him to charge it overnight..

My mind is whirling. I give the PITA husband a hug outside where he is doing 'busywork'. Leave.

Then i called her number back. She answers.

i ask politely, "Helloo, this is the wrong number. The number you just called belong to a teenager. pLease don't call that number. i am sorry this got sent to you." and briefly explained how the mix-up happened.

She is much calmer now.. "OH, alright then. What is your number? Oh." She must have checked the screen. 

Sorry, i deleted the end of this. Couldn't own my own words. reding back after a month. wow..

it was a good story. but not much of an intelligence indicator on my part.

Looks like Wednesday!

"All of the above" Such a nice mulitple choice selection. This looks like a Wednesday update.

Pretty cautious bout some things, excited about others, down about the family things.

really pissed bout work.. NOW the district directives are being enforced at our office.. The most stressful or rather absorbing time of my short life and i am supposed to file 3 grievances RIGHT NOW!!!!

'K, NOT  going to happen.. i will file what i can and get extensions as i go.. got state convention in a week. looking forward to Padraic's missionary bs. He might even have an answer or two.. now there's a sexy mo-fo. too bad he only gots a thing for the skinny bitches..

Two... By leaving the ancestral dog pit i forfeit my rights of domestic goddess. Now 'he' is inviting people into the house that have never had access before..good hing hte silver is already in storage.. very confusing time. the youngest one is the angriest and most put upon. i can only tell him to toughen up and figure out what he needs from this and refuse the garbage.

Such a light touch needed. Father? Where are YOU!! allaround the money, all about the money. so effing sad.

The biggest obstacle i faced tghis week, besides being without my eyes (ISP), is hte knowing that i violated my own plan. i got my hand forced and left without the plan in place i had adhered tofor over a year now..

so, broke and basically homeless in a friend's RV, i am re-grouping and re-evaluating how to get to zero..

and i will, my muse has said so.. at least the dialogs with 'he' have been consistently productive. 'he' stops talking to me, i am screwed. And what i miss, is not really there after all, only in my mind. so miss away, miss lizzy..

on to the day. carpe diem and all that jazz..

CL ad.

Domestic goddess for rent.
doubles as slave, financier, firestarter.
qualified to do absolutely nothing that a woman in her right mind would consider.
crazy as a Minnesota loon.
Sporadically obedient to males.
Will do about anything for the sake of humiliation.
Especially attracted to stocky males with square hands.
i can be reached at www.crazyenufforapostofficejob.net 

Death Rattle

Death Rattle~~tonight my husband asked me for a "second chance".

Reply, "we needed to go our separate ways in 2002. this is a 'we' situation just like any other one. Except there is an absence of healthy love here. which does not negate the 'relationship' aspect. The answer is i cannot and will not live the rest of my life out with a toxic person (other than me!**grins*) ".

But even so, he treats it like a story he heard. Like he has to work at interpreting how he should react. i think he watched one too many soaps.

and leaving my sons.. well, more than tough. . . . if they are to understand this dynamic of alcoholism and emotional/chemical problems, they will have to relate with it on their/his terms. at least for now. Like my Latino sister said, "Boys stay with/need their father." Lord knows i am there anyway for  them and they know it.

right now, the hard part is over. the rest is just logistics and organising. So Roberta's RV for the duration, summer?. trying to get hubby to pay his share = mortgage.  trying to get caught up to file. as long as no one fills his ears with b.s. at work, we ought to figure it out.not going to get either of us screwed. in the meantime he goes between vestigial and abusive. pretty much his mind is shot and it is showing.

one last thing. totally still IN the moment. Three trusted friends (couples too) tell me, "I don't know why you stuck it out this long"
makes me want to lie down and wail like a grieving Jewess. my captivity was for naught. i submtted to marriage and didn't make it. the stuff movies are made of..

sometimes that 18 inches between my brain and my AHA is a looooong ways..  

extrapolative spirits

First entry: Or perhaps, when God shuts a door, He locks the damn thing and then waits for me to run into His arms for a new key, new door.
This time it took 7 years. yes. such perfection in destruction. A Master of reviving the dead. He is my all in all and without Him, the whip, and a bottle for my tears, i would be truly dead. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

i have a Master
He allows/wills me to understand how he created me so fully for the purpose of participating in pleasing Him.
He is the One who created this body. i call it 'my' body but it is bought with a price for He created it for me and His pleasure. This great gift neglected as the abuse goes to self.

A bit more of the Master whom i serve and love;
He is not happy that i cannot be fully a woman, when the channels don't flow and the focus fails. When He calls me His own it is then difficult to listen well. It is hard to be His "treasured possession" when i don't see it that way.

He does not believe that my fulfillment lies in slavery, surrendering my soul for a leash. Yet He has allowed me this journey, for there is pleasure in every iota of His creation. Yet He commands me to take "His yoke" upon me for it is "easy and light".

His subjugation lifts me up to an glorious identity He repeats to me when comprehension fails the revelation. He tells me that my destiny is His image and He carefully molds every experience by His wise and loving hand.

He is pleased with me in ways i have never been able to fathom.  He is found along the journey everywhere i look. He reminds me that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.

(i didn't always love Him but His voice was plain when He called me at the age of 6 after a particularly severe beating, forced to stand for hours in a corner with feces in my pants and my head smashed into the wallboard. The one who did this hurt himself far more than he hurt me as i found over time.)

 

i can trust my Master that He made me this way and allowed these things to happen for His reasons.

Love this ! Monona be a hot time in the old town tonight! 

first Day of June, Aroused and weeping

first Day of June, Aroused and weeping~~second day of life.
awash in sensation. focus is incredible. sense of interconnecting not observing. seeing "dirt and rocks"(UKleG) patterns everywhere. repeating. every time i think i get it, a new piece comes up and points the way to cappadocia. am so overwhelmed. sleep is impossible. how to manage, no NOT manage; open wide enough to not miss a drop.

always look for confirmation in music. How bizarre that out of an entire store, one CD turned my head, saw her in a swirl of gown and joy~ with MY voice on the inside. After the keyboard obit, i needed the reassurance that my muse has not forsaken me. each track, speaking to a particular insight or emotion.
Purified, blessed, covered his road with this music as well..It lasted exactly long enough for 50 miles and a last hurrah in ferry line.. with the sun setting over the mountains...bliss. thank you



The outcome of epiphany accompanied by voluptuous acceptance. Immediate action required. Ann provided her PT gym and gave me woman balm to get me through the pain, unfucking believable pain of forgiving the transgression against Father's creation first. The shock is a domino effect.
am perfectly aware how my Father fits me close to Him throughout.

Yet it is NOT crazy because suddenly nothing is hard. not hard to do, or see or try or commit. everything is do-able that has to do with me.. had cigarettes in my face recently. no temptation there. another toxic stronghold of bread under misery syndrome so weakened in the last 6 years, finally broken.

**shrug** on the family things.. they have their own course.
my promise to God and me is to be gentle with this man who is so bent on destroying. He had me and abused the privilege. I had him and abused m power over him as a woman. the obit is that it cannot be undone and for that i weep. everywhere i see pieces of that pattern. ya, we bring it on ourselves. wanting outcomes without going through the journey.


I am not ashamed to work for a living. All work is meaningful. means no manicures though. i miss that.

at least my conscience is clear for the most part. I have never said, 'no, i will not.' when confronted with truth. A whole lot of misunderstanding, mis-application, but i desired the outcome and already knew the work. guilty of much else though...murder, adultery and meddling without empathy or wisdom. not for his benefit, but for my needs.. that is the death of every marriage eventually given a lack of leadership. He should have spanked me from day one. We would be doing well. NO JOKES< plz.

today
oh! and oh! it is spectacular! i joined the human race today even if briefly. it was like i had JOY written on my forehead. Everyone i met today responded to something i was projecting! It startles me! I was greeted by no less that 7 strangers, accosted in speech by no less than 3 women i had never met. Looked into the eyes (sexy!) of a homelss man on the corner with his sign. Stopped in traffic. i asked him if he would share my strawberries for i am flat broke.. He accepted with such grace. lovely. Antoher lesson in acceptance vs. my ungracious rebellion.
everyone i made eye contact with today smiled at me, like i really existed? i cannot explain it, another casacde of dominos.

i really need Him to manage this cascade, flood of sensation and tell me what is going on.  brutal week..

this giving a man the power of 'me' to un -become an object by ritualizing natural flows that have become blocked. How will i find sensual power in this?
So the fairy tale really is correct. i would rather die frozen in my pride, always on the edge of pleasure than plead to change the form while there is time. that was powerful to work out in writing. love it when the pieces come together under my hands but i don't know how they fit yet. that story has been demanding creation for over a year now.. how frozen this sexuality became. repeated wounds.

This motivates me. The Father's hand to ????? hands....delicious terror and want.

if this is cruising for bruising then start the music now.
Playlist:
Baisa on Broadway
andrea Boccelli