Saturday night and i am wondering what truck hit me.

sitting at my kitchen table. he suddenly appeared to me as an individual encased in his own aura. not a man who shared any part of himeslef. a single successful man. i realised all over again how fortunate i am to have him in my life.  and later as i was crying over the ensuing ordeal, it also occurred to me how much a man like that is self contained, an how exactly he fits into my prinmal memeory. that is theo nly way to describe it. as if i always knew the curve of his back, the smell of his neck sweat. the essence of his rough grace and bright piercing look. i adore him and i can't help it. it is like i am biospiritually symbiont.

so when am i too tentative and when am i being presumptious.

when i don't know that his home is his alone, not evenutally 'ours'. big presumptuos mistake. thinking ahead of the game. rushing the time and energy. won't happen again.,

yeah, why would i spend the night with him. i have my own home. not much of one. but he can't even stand to be in here. he gets all antsy and starts acting like the fucking skipper all over again. then he is gone again.

no, bizarre.

share each other's homes. what is wrong with that.. now i sound like that Aries.. immature. whose home is it anyway?

when are you complete? when you are with your mate? or when you are in your own world? presumptuos of me to clean a bit today at his/our place? what else do i have to offer? he does so much for me.

which brings me to my next point. the man belongs with a woman who has no encumbrances, no issues.. i have all of the above.

i was very offended that he would not entertain my open home. abusing my hospitality like it isn't good enough for him. shower, eat. dinner. tv. comfy chair. go home well laid and get some sleep. how is that so strange. eh?

denying my time and energy into him. rub down. cooking and conversation. some things i can't explain.

it just hurts. if that is how he wants it then it will have to be ok. but what does it say about me?

and is he really serious about me.

how fuckikng long is it going to take to be an asset and not a liability?

i refuse to give in an inch to the online temptresses and friends. the distance is safe. he is sage there. he doesn't trust that i feel more. he is a treasure. my dad, brother, older man, youngest friend, son, lover, admirer, critic and authority. all those things...

the only thing i can think of is that i am not worth being around and  i hate that thought. i should just slit my throat if i thoought that way. so don't entertain that either.

let me be your mate darling man. from here. or are you just going to keep looking.

cruel saturday.

and now he is throwin his son away~

Strange how we have some of the same situation, someone who's using what you care about as a weapon against you..
I will literally give her everything so I won't have anything here for her to say "is mine", no more.
She has already taken any and everything that I value, sold, given, or thrown away.
All that's left is what she didn't take before, just now she wants that too....
There will came a time when there just isn't anything left to take.

excerpt from an email on a marriage and divorce situation.

i have never been this broke.

i cry over my sons and he knows it.

because i am not like him he thinks i am doing good and he is suspicious

while he uses me for $20 here and a $20 there.

now that stopped.

he has a dui, about to lose his job and his house. an

and our sonjust moved out last week.

an answer to prayer.

eli is talking to me a little now. that is good.

thankful for an answer to prayer. that eli is not living there. and that he sees dan for what he is.

Eli kept that place together for his dad for a whole year. and his dad just used him up and threw him away like he does everything else.

Seconds are never Sloppy if they are Wednesdays

i kept a copy of the AFF blog with this writers  brilliant social commentary 'pons 4 letter words.


BEING 'FULL OF SHIT'
as far as we fare on being full of compostible digestibles? well. ok.
pretty full of myself anymore.
i have more pictures of myself than any woman
should.
i buy pretty bras and clothes whose sole purpose is to come off in a sexy fashion; i now have one year of nude pictures of myself in various states of shape, condition, and perversity, including one of a shampoo bottle turned dildo. nice pink color too.

i am fully aware and engaging in the first time out of the chateau as a fully functioning woman with all that implies; incorporating a lifetime of spiritual endeavors into a package that is called maturity with grace.

i personally still give too many chances, but am taking more risks. living out of a box, somedbody's box, since i never had one. homeless. no cardboard.

REally i am terrified of my disrespectful temper raising cain at my expense. the last time i shot my mouth off to my ex in the parking lot at STreibel's, he wouldn't pay me back the loan of gas.. cost me $50. i get his point. ("you never change. always gotta open your mouth")
i can see his face still, angry bleeding and my Kate-ness is more shrewish than any rake.

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readyourlips 3 posts 6/10/2009 8:23 am [Add a comment] [quote][respond]

Our homogenus society compresses dimensionality of existance into 2 or even 1 dimensional aspects of perception. In many areas and particularly in regards to love ,relationships, sexuality etc....... Things are good or bad, black or white all the while forgetting the diversity of the "gray fields" in between extremes.......we in the wild and wooley NW shouldn't forget this especially with our famous weather but we do. I digress........... Four letter words are categorized as bad things. Good and bad are labels which we use as focal reference points as a basis for communication. That established they're also subjective labels whose definition will vary from person to person with regards to content matter of the subject at hand in the discussion. Example; a dick is a bad thing when the label is applied to a person of less then agreeable character and or skills of social intercourse and yet is a good thing to a person wanting intercourse. Beauty is in the___________(insert______here), of the beholder...... Definition. Context. Meaning.......implied or otherwise. Imagination is limitless and we try with mere words as mere mortals to evoke concepts of the limitless....... comparable to trying to contain an atomic blast with a condom. Thoughts move at the speed of light. Hearts move even faster. Beauty is all around if you see it. Few things if any are more beautiful then a woman sharing herself with you...... letting go.......with you......for you.......for herself. Her pleasure..your pleasure..for both of you. The world is outside of your shared universe. People(society) says the word slut like it is a bad thing...... all the while forgetting conveniently that is merely a single facet of a crown jewel.