Wednesday July 23, 2008 UPDATE

Reading over the struggle to understand the disasters in life i came across a checklist i made last year. All but two things are accomplished and there is two things that have happened that were not  conceived of on that list. Feel pretty blessed that the intuitive chewing off of my own leg to get out of a trap is actually part of a larger plan.

There are two surrenders. One to HIm and one to the truth. The truth was, i liked to be hurt, to be owned then discarded. Fit my perception of worth. Until He showed me unmistakeably the essence of love poured out on bonds. Now there is no hurt, only anticipation of sensations. Ownership? well, let's jsut say that is a story in its' own right. Discarded? NEVER AGAIN. NOT BY ME OR ANYONE ELSE.

i will admit it on this page and not in flowery terms. Blissed out on a man. First time ever. Sure my sisters are rolling their eyes and i hear Kate calling from the garden. But true. Funny, once i let Him in with a bit of truth, He blew my mind with the whole string. and OH, God loves logic and passion together. All the 'nevers' removed. tyJ.

So there that is. The July journal is coming along nicely. A place to work out the emotion and trust. The personal journal is a tender place to read as well. Different emphasis. Writing is in abeyance this month. i cannot retain a fact to save my life. And i have been handed a story to tell. Remove the impatience from me and the re-telling will come.

found the excerpt from Nelle's log. Buried in a 16 page document done on search. Really glad i have that.

Physical problems continue to plague me. Struggle to be faithful to the body issues in a whole person way.

And yesterday at work, i told a senior carrier to "shutthefuckup". oh my! Never done that before. It started in my bellybutton and was an instant response to her cruelty. The thing is....this belongs to me. Given to me, Mine. To use.  danny and co almost extinguished it. i was willingto give it up for hte sake of peace time and again, even when i was left empty. So newly rediscovered....NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME 'YOU CAN'T' AGAIN. That was all in the blink of an eye. and i didn't back down. so refreshing and unlike me, it was worth it.

ON to a glorious day, please?