Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

 So what is so hard to understand about, "I have never been in love"? And why is my inner girl both delighted and fearful at being awakened? God knows i never had  the "childhood" to play and explore. So what is sooo wrong with doing it now? NOW! Now? Now, please....

 Granted there are all the adult themes there; infatuation, lust, need, wariness, entrenched thinking, cynicism. Hard to believe that it has only been physical for a short time. He is more than enough to last all night, or a week, or a year, he knows it and mistrusts it, because i am so NEW to this. i would literally drop and run for this opportunity. instead i have to wait and sit and pay my dues.

The things that were accomplished this week. Not too much visible:

The accountability people are satisfied. The spiritual aspects are revealed still as Shield and Protector and "don't mess with my angels!"

The inner demons of responsibility and guilt are finally silenced; after 7 years, i have stopped holding the world together so danny can thrive(ty richard ) and he also agrees that "CARPE DIEM" should be my theme of the this season. Stop being so timid about what i need or want. Stop worrying about the boys. His counsel was invaluable last night and he made it real clear that i have been stuck in an abusive marriage for the last ten years! (fuck started weeping!) Held it together for the last 7, but right throught it all, Jesus grew me up in HIM. So every agony was worth it. Oh, yes! HInd's feet in High Places!!  and the reason i did so? Because i wanted family and normal life. He also affirmed that the flaws were there all along and hidden, because of who danny is. Relieved me.. i ddin't drive a man to drink? Good... So it is in the bag for me.. Yes, sad; yes, angry sometimes; but for the whole i have been over this for some time now, at least a couple of years. Since JUne of 2004, when i saved the house the last time...

Secondly, the sons of this (former)marriage are fully aware that their mother is all about them. They have to come to grips with their dad in their own way and time. Without me smoothing the way and building up.. how much time did i spend making sure their dad was respected in ways he never earned? Over and above? It is actually amazing that there wasn't more negative! Also a God-thing. He always shut my mouth so the boys could make up their own mind. the quote? "You are not responsible for how your boys turn out, you have done your best work already."

Third: Taking care of things and me? Ann, "Be patient with your body, it will come. You are doing all the right things." ~~ Michelle, "Hang on, your boys will come around."~~roberta, "Stay here as long as you need to."~~Kristi, "You sound like he is good for you, it is good to hear you happy"

Pretty much all the bases covered there! 

Financially fucking frustrating though. But not for long. I have to get something back into savings. I have to get the monkey assholes off my back. I trust, Lord that you will not let my boys starve without me cooking for them!!! *sheesh, now that is the truth!**

You know. i think i am beginning to rock.. i have done pretty damn well. now can i have some money to pay off bills, Lord? PLUS, i would like my lion man to see the goodness of the Lord on dry land... i am your handmaid, Jesus. bless this please. I am scared as can be and can't wait. all at the same time.

Now, for  a tender introspective brought to you by Oil of Joy-lay!!

M. asked me in essence if i had ever loved my former husband, or when did i stop. I think he said, "There had to be something there at some point." 

Then Saturday, he looked at me real intently and point blank asked, "Are you on a rebound with me? Second choice?" I had to stop and consider the truth and the depth before i answered. I believe he was referring to the search for BDSM compatibility more than he was concerned about the marriage. I believe he knows for a fact that i didn't run from a husband to a lover by any means. My conscience is clear on that point. And that i am no wounded bird looking for an easy fix. Ok, got that out. 

i remember trying to explain that it was more like a path or a door and there i was, in the room with all these unknowns, searching and hungry and knowing i had to make choices. Knowing one needs and knowing HOW to take care of it are two things. M. was the voice of unconventional reason in one sense. The other path was fraught with the abusive overlay of home and hearth in a whole diifferent setting. My heart was so dead with guilt and overloaded with need. So it ended up with i have learned to call "counter-intuitiveness". I owed it to the search to see! And at least by this time in my life, when God closes a window and opens a barn door i know He means it!!! M. is the oasis in a desert as seen by one who has never seen either a desert or  an oasis. THAT is where counter-intuitivity comes in!

All i can say about the original dark edges that called me is that the master there was interested in humiliation and fresh meat. a controlling and freakish pain disguised as fulfillment.  M. and the fresh breeze he carries with him stood in stark contrast to that, after only a bit of interaction. Not a rebound or a second choice. But a rightness.

All about a second chance at living and a first chance at loving with the kinks instead of hiding them. I have so much to give and it is all new.  For how long? Until M. releases me (if he doesn't decide first that i am unsuitable for where he is in his season.

That is why this is all so hysterically gorgeously pair 'o doxies! Not looking and finds! I'm a gonna drown in this grace!!

NOW!@!! TO MOVING ON~~FORWARD PROGRESS!! L'CHAIM!!  L'CHAIM!!  L'CHAIM!!  L'CHAIM!!