Wednesday July 23, 2008 UPDATE

Reading over the struggle to understand the disasters in life i came across a checklist i made last year. All but two things are accomplished and there is two things that have happened that were not  conceived of on that list. Feel pretty blessed that the intuitive chewing off of my own leg to get out of a trap is actually part of a larger plan.

There are two surrenders. One to HIm and one to the truth. The truth was, i liked to be hurt, to be owned then discarded. Fit my perception of worth. Until He showed me unmistakeably the essence of love poured out on bonds. Now there is no hurt, only anticipation of sensations. Ownership? well, let's jsut say that is a story in its' own right. Discarded? NEVER AGAIN. NOT BY ME OR ANYONE ELSE.

i will admit it on this page and not in flowery terms. Blissed out on a man. First time ever. Sure my sisters are rolling their eyes and i hear Kate calling from the garden. But true. Funny, once i let Him in with a bit of truth, He blew my mind with the whole string. and OH, God loves logic and passion together. All the 'nevers' removed. tyJ.

So there that is. The July journal is coming along nicely. A place to work out the emotion and trust. The personal journal is a tender place to read as well. Different emphasis. Writing is in abeyance this month. i cannot retain a fact to save my life. And i have been handed a story to tell. Remove the impatience from me and the re-telling will come.

found the excerpt from Nelle's log. Buried in a 16 page document done on search. Really glad i have that.

Physical problems continue to plague me. Struggle to be faithful to the body issues in a whole person way.

And yesterday at work, i told a senior carrier to "shutthefuckup". oh my! Never done that before. It started in my bellybutton and was an instant response to her cruelty. The thing is....this belongs to me. Given to me, Mine. To use.  danny and co almost extinguished it. i was willingto give it up for hte sake of peace time and again, even when i was left empty. So newly rediscovered....NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME 'YOU CAN'T' AGAIN. That was all in the blink of an eye. and i didn't back down. so refreshing and unlike me, it was worth it.

ON to a glorious day, please?

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

 So what is so hard to understand about, "I have never been in love"? And why is my inner girl both delighted and fearful at being awakened? God knows i never had  the "childhood" to play and explore. So what is sooo wrong with doing it now? NOW! Now? Now, please....

 Granted there are all the adult themes there; infatuation, lust, need, wariness, entrenched thinking, cynicism. Hard to believe that it has only been physical for a short time. He is more than enough to last all night, or a week, or a year, he knows it and mistrusts it, because i am so NEW to this. i would literally drop and run for this opportunity. instead i have to wait and sit and pay my dues.

The things that were accomplished this week. Not too much visible:

The accountability people are satisfied. The spiritual aspects are revealed still as Shield and Protector and "don't mess with my angels!"

The inner demons of responsibility and guilt are finally silenced; after 7 years, i have stopped holding the world together so danny can thrive(ty richard ) and he also agrees that "CARPE DIEM" should be my theme of the this season. Stop being so timid about what i need or want. Stop worrying about the boys. His counsel was invaluable last night and he made it real clear that i have been stuck in an abusive marriage for the last ten years! (fuck started weeping!) Held it together for the last 7, but right throught it all, Jesus grew me up in HIM. So every agony was worth it. Oh, yes! HInd's feet in High Places!!  and the reason i did so? Because i wanted family and normal life. He also affirmed that the flaws were there all along and hidden, because of who danny is. Relieved me.. i ddin't drive a man to drink? Good... So it is in the bag for me.. Yes, sad; yes, angry sometimes; but for the whole i have been over this for some time now, at least a couple of years. Since JUne of 2004, when i saved the house the last time...

Secondly, the sons of this (former)marriage are fully aware that their mother is all about them. They have to come to grips with their dad in their own way and time. Without me smoothing the way and building up.. how much time did i spend making sure their dad was respected in ways he never earned? Over and above? It is actually amazing that there wasn't more negative! Also a God-thing. He always shut my mouth so the boys could make up their own mind. the quote? "You are not responsible for how your boys turn out, you have done your best work already."

Third: Taking care of things and me? Ann, "Be patient with your body, it will come. You are doing all the right things." ~~ Michelle, "Hang on, your boys will come around."~~roberta, "Stay here as long as you need to."~~Kristi, "You sound like he is good for you, it is good to hear you happy"

Pretty much all the bases covered there! 

Financially fucking frustrating though. But not for long. I have to get something back into savings. I have to get the monkey assholes off my back. I trust, Lord that you will not let my boys starve without me cooking for them!!! *sheesh, now that is the truth!**

You know. i think i am beginning to rock.. i have done pretty damn well. now can i have some money to pay off bills, Lord? PLUS, i would like my lion man to see the goodness of the Lord on dry land... i am your handmaid, Jesus. bless this please. I am scared as can be and can't wait. all at the same time.

Now, for  a tender introspective brought to you by Oil of Joy-lay!!

M. asked me in essence if i had ever loved my former husband, or when did i stop. I think he said, "There had to be something there at some point." 

Then Saturday, he looked at me real intently and point blank asked, "Are you on a rebound with me? Second choice?" I had to stop and consider the truth and the depth before i answered. I believe he was referring to the search for BDSM compatibility more than he was concerned about the marriage. I believe he knows for a fact that i didn't run from a husband to a lover by any means. My conscience is clear on that point. And that i am no wounded bird looking for an easy fix. Ok, got that out. 

i remember trying to explain that it was more like a path or a door and there i was, in the room with all these unknowns, searching and hungry and knowing i had to make choices. Knowing one needs and knowing HOW to take care of it are two things. M. was the voice of unconventional reason in one sense. The other path was fraught with the abusive overlay of home and hearth in a whole diifferent setting. My heart was so dead with guilt and overloaded with need. So it ended up with i have learned to call "counter-intuitiveness". I owed it to the search to see! And at least by this time in my life, when God closes a window and opens a barn door i know He means it!!! M. is the oasis in a desert as seen by one who has never seen either a desert or  an oasis. THAT is where counter-intuitivity comes in!

All i can say about the original dark edges that called me is that the master there was interested in humiliation and fresh meat. a controlling and freakish pain disguised as fulfillment.  M. and the fresh breeze he carries with him stood in stark contrast to that, after only a bit of interaction. Not a rebound or a second choice. But a rightness.

All about a second chance at living and a first chance at loving with the kinks instead of hiding them. I have so much to give and it is all new.  For how long? Until M. releases me (if he doesn't decide first that i am unsuitable for where he is in his season.

That is why this is all so hysterically gorgeously pair 'o doxies! Not looking and finds! I'm a gonna drown in this grace!!

NOW!@!! TO MOVING ON~~FORWARD PROGRESS!! L'CHAIM!!  L'CHAIM!!  L'CHAIM!!  L'CHAIM!!

....

 This is Wednesday the 9th of July. Update.

WooHoo!! 5 minutes until midnight for this to get posted in order TO be correct date, giggles. Seems like giggling is in fashion these days.

So this week, i found out i am both trite and superficial, well actually. make that provincial and timid. With a mouth that belies it and a terrible character flaw of "labeling" anything before I can enjoy it. more than categorizing.. feelings. is it love? yes and no. Is it a different kind of loving? Yes. Is he a unique quality? Yes. Shall i tread carefully? hell, yes. Never forget you are playing with a man now.. and that you have no idea how in the world that works..

~~~~~~~~~~~~     ~~~~~~~~~~     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 So how am i loving danny right now.. "tough love"? Lots of hurtful self talk amidst his aha!'s. I simply can NEVER afford again to suck it up and and risk taking charge again of his well-being..

"You are not showing any emotion to me" "this is the first i heard you aren't coming back"

~~~~~~~~~~~~     ~~~~~~~~~~     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TIME!!!  will be bach to edit, giggles..   ...see? whadda you know? giggles!!

Updates

This is Wednesday the 2nd of July. Update.

This image used to represent  something to me that is now past. Cinderella/Pandora/Three Muses. a poor pleasure slave, a woman unaware of her shattered dreams, yet daring to open a box strictly forbidden by her master. Who dresses her in what may be easily removed at his behest.

She is on her knees, either in desperation or habit. It is a powerful image. And what my she find inside? What is that? A swarm of buzzing troubles that fly to wound and exacerbate? A light to show the way? A bit of fairy light imprisoned as treasure yet meant to be freed? A slave freeing a prisoner.

yes, that is the title now.

Not idle curiosity but dire need. That is what happened this time to me. The reward? love marks on my body and indelible impressions on my mind and a suit of armor removed from my soul. Oh, yes, the armor of God IS my skin, but the guard and care of years dropped away by the touch of a man who dared to touch me. Both slaves and prisoners freeing each other, i think, i dare..

I am so at center right now. Even the unsure parts are not enough to displace that  certain knowledge. And because it comes at the hands of another, the usual response is to minimize that. Joke about it. Make it manageable. Not this time. Open wide and see what flies free.

ahh, Mikha'el, look to your name for the answers you seek. Even as you give so freely to this brezhyu.

On a mundane note, i spent good money on decision-making items. Now as the initiator of breaking free i am responsible, but this time i hold a family in my hands in a far different way as the former kitchen goddess.. i miss my kitchen. i miss fresh herbs and oiling cast iron. i miss the certainty of knowing what will please. i miss the boys coming into the kitchen and robbing me of ingredients as i prepare a meal. i miss my boys a whole fucking lot. and yet it is the only answer that love demands. Who has the greatest need. well, there you go.. . cannot go around it or get over it. through is the way. damn it Lord! is there no other way? He gets a blessing he doesn't even know? grrr...

Bless and do not curse. well, ok.