reality check week

BEatles month? Apparently so. i haven't finished the story yet. got a great start.

i am struggleing with being alone at this stage of my life vs. "the dream"

"The Dream" seems like a hag that has ridden me my whole life. first at 7 years old. the vastness and the speckness of being me in a wasteland.

Like my anger, a goad, it sharpened me. it was unconscious, sub-conscious, reactionary, shaped my freindships my choices. insidious, invidious. MY Mistress. riding me like the whore she was. all promise and no fulfillment.

Yesterday at Richard's, i surrendered it again. To walk humbly with my God, to take back the ground the enemy has stolen in my life becuaswe of "The Dream". Not for the first time, but certainly with a new understanding of the despair.

It is the THING that makes forward progress look like going backwards. without my family and my church and my music and my LIFE, MY FUCKING LIFE, who the hell am I?

just another Ethan Allen mansion wanna be. too old to fuck properly, too young to die. useless fucking piece of shit without a prayer and waaaay too many clues.

panic attacks. lost feeling. no structure. i cannot live without structure. No wonder a Dom is attractive. Tell me what to do..

actually ok with who. Who i am. my identity is OK, it is the works aspect. What good can i possibly do,.

the money. the wealth. the success.. always a problem.

so there it is. a sober assessment of being in transition.

Richard rocks. Ellen rocks. Michael rocks. and Richard said that Michael is in essence correct.

ok, great. more time without my muse. although i have heard from him this week.

Quote of the week, "Of course life goes on, lizzy. This is not a test of wills or stubborn pride."

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

Play list: Air1.com