* i told him i do better with a male muse. someone to fill that place that i can bounce off of to be wholly woman.

*i told him i would believe in him for his effect on me thereby making it a moot point that he does not believe in him that he has that kind of power to move me.

*That my telling him, "i love you pleaes fuck me" (he groaned and smiled and thrust deeper) was more than i ever intended to say.

*He told me to let it out, cry. but he wouldn't hold me or tell me he loved me. no words. only actions.

* He wanted me to come first and i couldn't. He underestimated his stimulation.

HE hugged me so hard on the way out after that my bones cracked. His way of connecting what is safe for him.

i was so hard edged and brassy. Flippant and at one point, he was busy telling me how "our physical relationship doesn't have a glitch in it, whwww!" and then he shook his head, "but the rest?" like what rest? wE haven't had a chance to go there... yet...

He was lying face down on the bed head ahnging over the side, so i knelt down in front of him and told him in the family, he could worry about the relationship since i wasn't worried about it at all, i was worried i wouldn't get any sex. i was very very worried about that!  and he just got HAD!! AS i got up to go to the potty, he just shook his head and smcked my ass.. so POINT TAKEN?;

* i told him he worries too much. for a man who has nothing invested. no response.

I will come in his arms when he is holding me. letting me cry. telling me he loves me and he is sorry he hurt me and fingering me to a gentle gentle gimme. i need his heart. i am not sure where he moved it to.

But i walked out of there like i was baptized by fire. I know now where my compassion and love has gone

The black hole of Michael. He lives his life. in a negative zone. So my good outlook gets drawn in. mylove gets turned to obsessive response. He cannot reciprocate.

His love style is to teach and nurture and be the one on top. He must learn to be a companion because that is his greatest desire. This is his chance to have an equal. If not under the same roof, in the same frame.

*"i like things structured. no surprises," he told me. In his personal life that is a perfetly logical exception to a career where nothing was certain and unpleasant surprises were the norm. Now he is retired, but that sticks.

If he asks me, "Spend the night?" I will find a way to say no.

*" You removed me from your bed once and it nearly killed me. You thought you were dealing with a whack job when you removed me from your bed the first time. you were wrong. You will not have that power over me again unless we are under the same roof already."

So to remove myself from his life? It tears my heart to do so, but i know now why that cutting burning is there. It is to tell me that my compassion is misplaced. It is not used wisely by the recipient. HE is small in thought and deed. Gentle in manner and strong in deed sometimes. but mostly it has to be a negative flow.

i cannot live my life i that place. i need true love, true laughter, not stunted recognition of an after cat act.

is laughter does not come from joy.

yeah i know it is sunday. and another weekend where i wake up alone in bed, no nok. because why? his choice.

that should say enough but i can't believe i misread the last 9 months. NOT so i won't be wrong so let me  misinterpret anything that comes my way so i can stay in my little realm... no not that.. more like i do not want to leave him there hurting like i know he is while i walk away healed and whole. i know he loves me. so that is my choice.

the rejections is nothing new for me.. but after spending time with him on line Friday night this is what i asked him:
twoquestions maestro.
one. do you want me
two do you miss me
three did you like my poem on why i love you
Michael N.: you put me at a very awkward position here
lizzyanne01
silence is bad~ the answer is simple
Michael N: being backed into a corner isn't much better
lizzyanne01
no. if that is what you think i am doing then neveryoumind
Michael N: the answer may be simple from your perspective

lizzyanne01
lighten up please hon. i do not wish to make you unhappy. you have been unhappy about me. that is not good. see?

Michael N: #1:yes, i do want you...I want you to stop being so damned pushy about what we have here
lizzyanne01
ok...as soon as you stop being so touchy? touche!~
Michael N: #2: yes i miss you...have for a long time...but that doesn't mean I can't live without you
Michael N: #3: the poem you wrote was very intimate indeed... but it borders on the realm of being fixated to the point that I am confused
lizzyanne01
no, it was a summary of everything i learned about me and you from the start. it was an ending point for what was. i am lookin ahead to what can be. but fixated? wait.. back up. yeah.. emotionally attached in an unhealthy way i get that
Michael N: Lizzy...think about this for a second: if the roles were reversed...how would you react
lizzyanne01
like a drowning woman from all the undue attention. i get that michael. i moved into yur realm without a reference point for mine. that has changed, but who knows
Michael N: no Lizzy... you would think of me as pathetic and clingy
lizzyanne01
i just said it nicer

So that was his response or twisted thinking to what was my heart on a plate. that hurts the worse.. but it also makes me so sad, because he has to put me down. why? i relaly think he cannot accept the praise and the credit for opening me. for the love. AHe thinks i am making him into something he is not. because i see the good in him.. that is my compassion and my sensuality.. He cannot accept the good of his own character? unless it has a throttle and is about work?

Try this, Michael. God gave you a fresh start on relationships. with me. So you would accept you. not me. and instead, you are putting me out the door and going back to the vomit of "let's see what 2009 will bring" "Hi my name is Michael and i am a gentleman"

You have been offered love in all languages and the true sense of who you are in contained in that poem. YOur mom would agree with me about everything i said about you. apparently we are the only two people who love you. of course i never met her becasue i wasn't the kind of woman you take home to mother. thankfully. in this case.. because i am so much more than all the other ____Annes you married..

But i still had to write it. For my sake. and that is all that really matters. Taking care of me.. and if nok won't play then i will put that away from me and wait and see if he wakes up..

While i was in church this morning it occurred to me as i prayed for God to help me straighten out the casue and effect here; THE CORE ISSUES ARE NOT ABOUT ME. NOT ME NOT NOT ME.

Not my needs or my way or my love style or my divorce or anything at all.

This is about michael nokleby living in the present. Allowing himself to love. Having the capability to sustain a long term relationship. Believing in love, believing he is worthy of love, forgiving himself for the past, for failures that take their toll. No wonder his is missng his heart speaking to mine.

yes i forgive the hurt but it hurts nonetheless. And he had the hope in his eyes. Like every lover, he wanted to love and fall in love and be loved in return. I do not think he reckoned on me actually falling for him..

so there it is..i am and will be for some time high emotional maintenance. but i am worth it. i told him that via IM on Friday night. I am a fully trained empath with a hell of a temper. I am a good woman and he knows about that struggle because he walked me through it. Failure does not make you a bad person. I am fulloy mature and capable of a deep sustained loving relationship whethere that is overnighters or living together or marriage or whatever it looks like. i am not afraid to love or to explore my sensuality and temperament with a partner.

How did i miss what a negative influence he is towards himself? and that he really thinks people don't change? Does that absolve him? He was fucikign ready to buy a house for us,for crying out loud. and now i hear about HI, my name is mIchael, and i am a gentleman. Ready to play because i want to see what 2009 will bring..

ok, dude, run my card by your mom. tell her someone fell for the second prime of your life thing. and she is a handfull although NOT an Aries and now you don't know what to do with her..

You are on AFF? When i can fuck you to tears? wow. slap me. hard. 'cux that stings.

i put in a smoking corer chair and ashtray for him. filled the fridge and cupboards. it was all because of v-day that i went over i the CICU account anyway. this morning, my first rent check bounced.

This afternoon i finished the taxes and 'we' owe the IRS $788. it might as well be the moon.

This was after i went to brememrton and cried in Pat's parkig lot. Cried as i looked up the hill where M. lives..

Cried on my way out of town. This rejection stuff coupled with the mixed messages has me slightly loopy already.

making dinner tonight though it struck me, how critical micahel is. what is it that i can't let it go... he validated me? He never really did support me 'smart'... i cannot figure it out.

oh and today i went to the local foodbank and got food for eli..because he is home in that filithy house and hungry.

Now i am behind several weeks on personal finances. it was terrifying to see how much money we made last year together.. should have been easy squeesy... instead, it must be true, i am a loser because we scratched and scraped and i will never catch up.. i messed up lord, i get that part.

is this the "eating of the labor of my hands?" the down side..

i can't make any of it right and don't know how to act. the anxiety was only partly relieved by me getting stumbling shitfaced. or at least on my way to tipsy and walkign funny.

welcome to my hell....i messed up with michael..... he is a harsh man... no excuses for you, lizzy.. crazy overload from family? Poof! away wi'ye.... his loss , but i am crying...

Ok, just read my Thursday horoscope, if you can call Dr standley that. God? grant me the strength to deal with the truths you reveal. your daughter adn the one you love, elizabeth

The Moon in Sagittarius is moving through your 12th house of the hidden realm, subconscious, past, pain, karma, jails, institutions, hospitals, finances of friends, secret sorrows, fears, self-destruction, large animals, skeletons in closet, self-undoing and self-injury. It is about your hidden strengths, weaknesses and what you don't want others to see or know about you, unredeemed karma and selfless service to humanity. Refrain from letting this house frighten you because it is necessary that you look at your own self-undoing in order to keep yourself on the straight path.

i miss being in bed with my man.

i worry about my back.

i wish i could drink endless Kahlua coffee and wake up on an island somewhere with my admiring companion looking down at me and grinning that Filthy Good way which means i am going to have some p0ussay appetizer and all the rest of the courses rolled into one big tickle.

i wish my  son would relaz. life is short. she will never see it your wya, that is just how peopel are!

i wish i had a Lane leather office chair for my back. the 1940's restored oak lawyer's chair is crippling me even while it perfectly preserves the esthetics of the place.

i wish my mental muse would stop putting me in the scary spice pile and just converse with me, no harm, no foul... he is missing  the point......precision has its drawbacks.

i wish my boatman would decide that a hot good woman is better than wallet candy or his twin of the oppostie gender. powerful women are overrated in the sack. so there.

and i confess my sin, oh sin-eater Azazel. i wish for more cock in my mouth, lots. done with tenderness, humor and demand.. light life love.

i choose to believe that, even when a 300 ppound man tried to crush my spine by accident.

guess i learned some new limits this week. and some new limitations.