gotta get this off my chest it is really

hurting me..

yeah i know it is sunday. and another weekend where i wake up alone in bed, no nok. because why? his choice.

that should say enough but i can't believe i misread the last 9 months. NOT so i won't be wrong so let me  misinterpret anything that comes my way so i can stay in my little realm... no not that.. more like i do not want to leave him there hurting like i know he is while i walk away healed and whole. i know he loves me. so that is my choice.

the rejections is nothing new for me.. but after spending time with him on line Friday night this is what i asked him:
twoquestions maestro.
one. do you want me
two do you miss me
three did you like my poem on why i love you
Michael N.: you put me at a very awkward position here
lizzyanne01
silence is bad~ the answer is simple
Michael N: being backed into a corner isn't much better
lizzyanne01
no. if that is what you think i am doing then neveryoumind
Michael N: the answer may be simple from your perspective

lizzyanne01
lighten up please hon. i do not wish to make you unhappy. you have been unhappy about me. that is not good. see?

Michael N: #1:yes, i do want you...I want you to stop being so damned pushy about what we have here
lizzyanne01
ok...as soon as you stop being so touchy? touche!~
Michael N: #2: yes i miss you...have for a long time...but that doesn't mean I can't live without you
Michael N: #3: the poem you wrote was very intimate indeed... but it borders on the realm of being fixated to the point that I am confused
lizzyanne01
no, it was a summary of everything i learned about me and you from the start. it was an ending point for what was. i am lookin ahead to what can be. but fixated? wait.. back up. yeah.. emotionally attached in an unhealthy way i get that
Michael N: Lizzy...think about this for a second: if the roles were reversed...how would you react
lizzyanne01
like a drowning woman from all the undue attention. i get that michael. i moved into yur realm without a reference point for mine. that has changed, but who knows
Michael N: no Lizzy... you would think of me as pathetic and clingy
lizzyanne01
i just said it nicer

So that was his response or twisted thinking to what was my heart on a plate. that hurts the worse.. but it also makes me so sad, because he has to put me down. why? i relaly think he cannot accept the praise and the credit for opening me. for the love. AHe thinks i am making him into something he is not. because i see the good in him.. that is my compassion and my sensuality.. He cannot accept the good of his own character? unless it has a throttle and is about work?

Try this, Michael. God gave you a fresh start on relationships. with me. So you would accept you. not me. and instead, you are putting me out the door and going back to the vomit of "let's see what 2009 will bring" "Hi my name is Michael and i am a gentleman"

You have been offered love in all languages and the true sense of who you are in contained in that poem. YOur mom would agree with me about everything i said about you. apparently we are the only two people who love you. of course i never met her becasue i wasn't the kind of woman you take home to mother. thankfully. in this case.. because i am so much more than all the other ____Annes you married..

But i still had to write it. For my sake. and that is all that really matters. Taking care of me.. and if nok won't play then i will put that away from me and wait and see if he wakes up..

While i was in church this morning it occurred to me as i prayed for God to help me straighten out the casue and effect here; THE CORE ISSUES ARE NOT ABOUT ME. NOT ME NOT NOT ME.

Not my needs or my way or my love style or my divorce or anything at all.

This is about michael nokleby living in the present. Allowing himself to love. Having the capability to sustain a long term relationship. Believing in love, believing he is worthy of love, forgiving himself for the past, for failures that take their toll. No wonder his is missng his heart speaking to mine.

yes i forgive the hurt but it hurts nonetheless. And he had the hope in his eyes. Like every lover, he wanted to love and fall in love and be loved in return. I do not think he reckoned on me actually falling for him..

so there it is..i am and will be for some time high emotional maintenance. but i am worth it. i told him that via IM on Friday night. I am a fully trained empath with a hell of a temper. I am a good woman and he knows about that struggle because he walked me through it. Failure does not make you a bad person. I am fulloy mature and capable of a deep sustained loving relationship whethere that is overnighters or living together or marriage or whatever it looks like. i am not afraid to love or to explore my sensuality and temperament with a partner.

How did i miss what a negative influence he is towards himself? and that he really thinks people don't change? Does that absolve him? He was fucikign ready to buy a house for us,for crying out loud. and now i hear about HI, my name is mIchael, and i am a gentleman. Ready to play because i want to see what 2009 will bring..

ok, dude, run my card by your mom. tell her someone fell for the second prime of your life thing. and she is a handfull although NOT an Aries and now you don't know what to do with her..

You are on AFF? When i can fuck you to tears? wow. slap me. hard. 'cux that stings.