This is so fucking hard. Raised in black and white indeed. But i am not ashamed to have taken it in, to have taken a chance. And here is the kiss off from love. All he could see is that i challenged him.. His temper vs. my need to not be trodden under anymore. i will put it out here in chrono form, and maybe work it into story form. the pain is visceral. and it is the holidays too... how much snot can one person emit? I know his feelings too.
I was to be his true companion. He waited to find me. But what did he do for him? Just last week, when he was feeling poorly, i was rubbing out his back and he called himself a "fat pig" that is so unnecessary and untrue. The intimacy was difficult for the same negative reasons.
ok, here goes.
IM sucks:
the original Sunday December 7th at around 4pm
M.: what is up with the 'add' request?
E: i was having trouble with the im program. but it is good to to see your voice.
did 8 pints of freezer turkey broth/stock. yum. and watched the hawks. still crying. not that it takes much
so, back atcha. {{{hugs}}}}} church was good this morning. did simeon and anna and their blessing out of luke 2.
and no, i don't think i should be ashamed because i have no material things to show for all my labors. i have become a decent (well most of the time) person instead of acquiring stuff. not that i wouldn't have liked too, but that is my story.
Being whole took precedent over ownership. i hope that changes in the next 20 years. i really did feel like you were shaming me for haveing to start over at 47-48. really hurt my feelings. so i found out that i am waaaay to ready to jump still. volatile.
you and i both have lost our share of precious ness because of temper. i would rather slit my own throat than to do that anymore. i am sorry.
one good thing about the church-y stuff, i have learned to forgve. me first. god second and everyone else form a line to the left. love you deeply and completely.
sleeping rolled up into you is my privilege and your grace and vice versa. can't wait for my own place so you can sleep on me once in awhile.
i trust your judgement, too. why? dunno. 'cuz it comes in such a sweet package probably. yl
yeah, every time i try to close out yahoo im, it freezes up. so i wiped it all and started fresh. i have to disconnect in order to exit.
me: wtf is up with that? denied? you denied me as a user? motherfuck! that will be the last time temper boy
M: temper boy huh.... WOW.... excuse me for not understanding why you were sending me add requests.... so be it~
me: no love i am responding that is what i do. why would you think i have an ulterior motive?
doesn't make it right to deny me, yes"
me: why not come up here and fuck me silly instead?
you are excused for acting like a wild man. and freaking me out, scaring me! What pleasure does that give you?
me: you are the only reason i have IM in the first place. i have come a long way since the day in june you said you would "suckle my extended fingers"
me: can we move on with each other? or is the reality too fucking iffy for ya? you have better learn to trust me and fucking soon, M. i have done nothing to deserve your lack of gentlemanly behavior.
me: good night temperboy. think that would make a good im name for you.
THE EMAIL
>
>
> --- On Mon, 12/8/08, Elizabeth Anne
Subject: look at the inventory
To: "m
Date: Monday, December 8, 2008, 5:12 AM
> good morning. bit squeezy around my heart this morning. don't like seeing you upset, tired, in pain, worried, or on a roll.
you have two choices. break it off now. use the candles for your "next" chalk it up to a great time had by all. Look in the mirror every morning and doubt and mistrust and hate.
OR> Relax, take a deep breath. we have a future and a present. The past and its fears is what we have shared to this point. that is good. You take me upstairs. where our minds meld, our bodies are given freely, our souls are safe. You said that.
You look in the mirror every morning and say, "I am loved by this woman" then be good to yourself. i could never be as cruel to you as you are to yourself. so very un-loving to you when you are REALLY everything *I* have seen you be.....to me.... tender, caring, funny, witty, manly, lover of my soul.
i don't want your money or your dreams or the houses, that is your past. Those wives got those things but without you? what is it really worth. nothing.
Don't be afraid that your search is ended. 10 years is a long time. the dream is only as good as the flesh and blood it produces. in your case? that would be me. i am very good for you. and i am good to myself most of the time. Look back at the ways i have come to you time and again. there is so much love and truth there in with the pain and the wonder!
No apology is necessary from anywhere, either of us. just a new fitting for a new day. love you michael, your lizzy finally. this is from you to me a while ago. and ditto {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lizzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
THE RESPONSE
Michael wrote: (completely ignoring everything good!)
morning.... i find it very interesting and a bit disturbing that your communications over the past couple days have gone from understanding I wasn't feeling well, stressed, etc.... to giving me ultimatums and bashing me...temperboy wasn't taken very lightly.
as for which option to take... that isn't quite fair...but I can empathise with you in that you want answers. Is it so cut and dry as that?
Isn't there another option...ie...let's take a break from one another, let life work itself out, and see down the road where we will be???
You were on a direct line to disaster when I met you Lizzy.... and maybe I did keep you from what you really wanted.... I tried to console you when you needed it...give insight and opinion.... and at times even set aside my own to accommodate you...but that is neither here nor there.... so maybe now is a good time for you to explore the dark realm.... but please be extremely careful... your "next", as you so eloquently put it, may not give a rats ass what you think or feel!
I'll make sure you get your personal items returned.... in your eyes I may be an asshole...but I do have dignity and integrity....although I'm sure you don't feel that way right now.
Take a moment of pause before answering this.... I did. I care for and about you Lizzy... don't blame yourself or me...it is both~ M.
>THE LAST THINGS I GOT TO SAY TO MY LION, MY MUSE
12/08/2008 Monday morning at work from my cell phone to his email. 8:45 am
He had answered my long email at 8am. i felt it and my anxiety and sense of loss just tripped.
and i know he will never get ahold of me again, unless he really does consider me his true companion.
We, us. i was given to him. not so easy to unfuck.
FWD:"Michael, I felt you hit send. Left you a voice. I am standing up for my own integrity. I will stand BY you forever but i wont receive what you (fish)" A t-9 word mixup and then i was out of characters so i hit send and then this one right after
FWD:"{i won't ) Receive what you dished out to me this last weekend. Time away is a good option. I need no man but you. LIVING IN THE PRESENT." Your lizzy
i owe u my life.
AND THE LAST LITTLE BIT:
An email showing the line of travel on this gravel road:
"MY TURN. consider yourself spanked, temperboy. sass for my gander.
you simply cannot knock me down with that leo charm in my most vulnerable
state and then think it wouldn't stick, now would you be so silly as to think that?"
----- Forwarded Message ----
From:
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2008 8:04:00 AM
Subject:
FWD:Beautiful morning! Thank you for correcting me last night. Discipline is not lost on me. Tell me you still want me over tonight? Kiss me Good morning love! Sunrise is amazing this day. Listening to "fields of gold" Be good to yourself today. . . Love you next always. .
--
I left two voice messages. one asking him if he had released me, I told him i was too black and white and that i hadn't even thought of any optoins. i just knew he was on-off switched too. i was grateful for the temporary fix.
Second one telling him thank you for making a tough decision for both of us. That i hoped i would see him again.
The upshot on December 19th, Friday night at 6:30:
I have no one to dress sexy for, smell good for, entice, relax into, open to, respond.
Even considering the fun i have being good to myself, little ruttish goatgirl that i am~
He did not return my call or acknowledge it from yesterday. A foot of snow in Bremerton and north and sleet and freezing rain on Sunday is the weather forecast. He doesn't get ahold of me? It seems i am really being left out in the cold.
then he didn't really give a fuck about anything but HIS own dream, i was just handy and ready to be opened like an oyster for his dining pleasure. and all the while it meant something to me, deeply. As deep as his dream, which he showered me with. At the same time, he could say the same of me. He watched me discover something in me i didn't know existed, very self-absorbing. Waking UP from a dream. a bad dream.
He doesn't want the benefits of the journey he owns IN me? MY person? It belong to HIM!! All fucking personal and pronoun.
"Hi you. Get over here after work before you freeze to death." If he said that my world would get its color back. Very black and white week. empty fucking feeling. no michael
YET~ standing outside this morning. You should have been with me. Stars were OH so brilliante! Sliver moon opposite in the tree tops. a few high but pregnant clouds... pristine coldness of snowscapes. And a rocker version of Drummer Boy. coffee. (and you, mylove).
Without that, Michael, it is just a cold fucking morning headed into another long damn day.
i really have felt him, and it makes me crazy. i am his companion and yet not his peer. a bad state.
My only prayer is for his blessing and my only curse is that whenever he has that hot fucking sex with someone else, he will wake up and find a long red hair in his mouth.