The relationship was terminal, but the ideal is still eternal

THIS IS MY MONTH

Pierced by the gift of your love. YOUR love, Master.
the gift of the support and joy from my companion's "eyes"
the gift of girls to hold me. never let me forget to be in that girl circle for the next.

Yet, all is perfectly clear now.
what a gift that is. The last puzzle piece fallen at my wondering feet. Now i can plan, figure, sort, order, absorb. No mysteries please! No unfinished feelings or leftover unforgiveness.

Intermingling stages of grief, the acceptance of the changes? Continues to be a physical pain still when i am in a situation. a literal blow to my stomach. I did not create the disaster, but i did work tirelessly to avoid the fear and pain for them and me, thinking "be well" and "be well".

my fears don't feel fragile. They are weighty and anxious. No one could take care of this except time and he moves at a snail's pace through the slime in my heart and the howl of misery into the cedar shower up top.

Disaster happened anyway.
making the case of inevitability vs. the hand of God's mercy. And some fatalists would deduce that perhaps at times, mercy and violation are one? By what grace is another 25 or 30 years of this? Much different than the clean blow, the clear violation of principles, the swift kick down the courthouse stairs.

the AHA!
Terminal is terminal, people and ideals alike suffer the death of relationship. Ideals must have expression and be bathed in human narcotics to even begin the dazzling drunken dance of will vs love. As in who has the power.

all those times when passivity WON! By sheer inertial force. My words said, "You are worth it." My actions stomped in and said, "Feed me, I fear, I have ideals!" Destruction of a sort.

Recent insight: "untangling from this is like a nurse pulling life support from a terminal patient, 'cuz somedays i feel like 'Misery'."

Which led to a cascade. The patient was terminal. Rejecting, i did not account for the loss of my dream. not the person but the ideal. Ideals always for Capricorn, over people. Little black and white ideals to which our loyalty misguidely goes while the people languish even as they love us.

So pulling the plug on the person? How many do it opposite? Leave the physical emotional dream and can't get over the people/family involved? What would it be like to languish for my man while ex-caping from the domestic?

Pain is pain.
five years? In five years i will have stopped thinking about the fact that i never got new cabinets and wanted to paint the walls but left before i could finish it? The stove fan that sat int he garage for 3 years, waiting on cabinets. The little fixes that never got time for. i had my black and white. I do everything but wood fixes, if it can be dangerous or done wrong that was my fix, lol
Loved being a family under that roof, but it was only an ideal. Real people are messy and don't live on a shelf.

I miss the possession? ownership? well, i miss the order of family. We did pretty good at it for a long time. Acceptance.

I own my growing, my words, my mistakes. But i am done paying twice. I am not tied to that dream anymore! The unlimitless bounty of options is mine! (To take by force and bend to my sheer will!) NO! WAIT! Oops, that was also the former ideal. .. .

i plead the blood of Christ over that household in such disarray, by the power of my Master's mark in me.

Take me home companion, lover of my soul.

Play list: Jeremy Camp "Restored"