Seducicide on Christmas Eve

i own my words and my actions ~ here is truce but no capitulation

Christmas Eve is 3 hours old. Proprane ran out an hour ago, so i got up to investigate, no going back to sleep. I am FEELING, absorbing, reflecting and weeping. Not for once 'what was'. but for "what could have been"

always looking.

Realized that the sensual needs i have. Those Tobymac moments, "Lose My Soul". i am so completely myself in my skin, i am craving touch. Simply craving maleness, the pressure of arms, the feel of nipples crinkling up together, smooth entanglements, oh to submit to his visual, his smell, two hands in my inner thighs.

Does no one believe me that it is worst in the morning? Just to wake up wrapped together hallejujah and peace and warm stretching of limbs, oh yes, a tight hard quickee.

Wrap that all up with the 'differentness' of this season, work especially? And the propane smell was a temptation. I got the brush burner propane tank hooked up temporarily since the valve is gone on the big one. Even with the leaks, this RV would fill up pretty fast i am thinking. they modified the regulator for white hot fire. evil application of innocent intent, but i was tempted. There has to be more than loss. My GFF said that our mutual friends, B. Sib--- and wife were dealing with family mental health issues again. Which brought us to discussing how poorly B. looks. Thin and grizzled and skull like. My B.! The man who showed my husband how to have some vitality. B. without his vitality is walking dead. He actually grieved Stephen's suicide in a more personal way i think, they were men together. Donald was his youngest though, the baby of the family.

This thing with my son, it just doesn't get over, i get that, so i school myself to not react, to just be plain with him. i know he needs me in a way only a mother can see in the heart of her son. so i don't think about it too often, except in the middle of the night, yes, so fucking what? oblivious in death. i am tempted by this thought even though it becomes more bearable as i find my way.

which fucking reminds me. hello temperboy????
"For every time you sheltered me from harm
You showed me truth, kept me warm

Every time you left me on the street
i found my way, i found my feet."

i own my words and my actions ~ here is truce but no capitulation

Most importantly, i WILL NOT allow Anger to be my motivator, my stiffer upper lipper. Time to do things differently, no matter how much they hurt to learn. You should be taking notes, my man. i am an amazing woman and that's not even talkin'.

Playlist: feliz navidad of course.

Comments

[elizabethanne]

guess the joke is on me in the end.
since the propane went out, i am
assuming, God removed the temptation