Warmed for an Instant By Your Fire, My Midwife

THIRD WEDNESDAY: you said in august i had 6 months.. .. i want my last month giving birth to the place where everything stops. Painful to remember your own birth pangs, "I miss my family!"

I saw you today. and waved and leaned out the window of my LLV and screamed into oncoming traffic, "I love you!"

A crazy unbelievable lift to my heart. you had honked and slowed down. At that instant, i knew.

Flew down the ditch driveway to listen to Toasty's insane barking as i unloaded a parcel and told him, "Eat the package, Toasty! Good boy! Eat it!"

The sound of my voice drove him into a tail chasing frenzy of barking.

I leaped inside and off i went, continuing on my route, looking for you everywhere, concluding that you were a driveby, still OFF on me.

I came out of the assisted living/Alzheimer's lobby, very close to last in the tray of remaining mail. Michael pulled up outside. I pointed him rigid with my arm, willing him to stay as i tossed the trays in the LLV.

He got out of his truck and we met halfway. I wrapped my leg around him and buried my face in his neck. Even a taste of his smell and i was thrumming like a tuned wire.

"Goddamnit, i honked twice at you and you didn't even look around!" he sounded amused but the look in his eyes was unbearably brilliant.

Then he looked directly at me, shook his head, "I have been doing a lot of thinking about you, young lady!"

All i could do was watch his lips and soak him in, thinking of yesterday's cosmic ripping: http://lizannekeith.squarespace.com/womans-heartways/
The excrutiating weekend of weeping on the freeway, in bed, in front of my kids, on the ferry.

I had to say it, "I hope it gave you a fucking migraine, because I was thinking of you, too!" I kept my eyes glued to his face, devouring every inch of skin and tawny hair. First person i have met in a while who can grow a bad haircut out into a stunny look. yum.

I think he saw in my lips that abandonment of weeping. He assented to the assertion and there was a comfortable pause. WE were burning too much wood.

"I have been up an down the road all day, househunting", he shrugged, then told me about a property i knew the address to. He was inspecting me the whole time, those gorgeous eyes, clear today and sparkling; not missing a detail of the homemade fingerless driving gloves, the earth stains on my jeans from falling, the hair in disarray, my face all lit up from the inside out.

I simply blurted out, " I have a place come January 1st. Kingston. Where i need to be, close to my kids. It just came out of the blue on CL. They are retired rural carriers and know my postmaster. "

"I fill out the application and mail it back with a certified check and move in." I know i sounded more sure that i felt, but it was a 'vision' statement. That is what I will do to back up that super phone call.

That and the way the knot in my stomach relaxed. I am not doing well here for whatever reasons.  No worries. All forward progress. Now i have a couple of good guidelines to qualify a rental so it isn't a frustration or impulse move. In case this doesn't work, but it IS worth trusting. duh.

MIchael looked up and away from me and i have no heavenly idea what he thought of my blurt session. He looked like he was absorbing and assessing. I was trying to show him that i was carrying my weight, not "settling". That i was following a path that would be pleasing to him as well.. .. my intent. so as always, misunderstood or disregarded. But i felt more his peer than i had for some time.

oh!

He exclaimed, "You must be cold! Are you?"

So i showed him my layers, and really understood he was asking about the weather and the RV and the state of mind in this cold snap "I have on my silk unders!" i twitched them out of my ass for the 90th tie that day.

I had to touch him, reach him, make sure he was really there, all charming and shit-my-pants gorgeous. Not for the first time i thought, "How true Brandi Carlile's lyrics are, 'Look at the lines across my face. All the stories. But none of them mean anything with no one to tell them to. It's true. I was made for you.'"

"MMmmm" and he grinned and raised an eyebrow, "You keep that ass warm!"

A rub noses and kiss, we ended it some thing like this:

"You go back to work," he disengaged his mind as i pointed to my watch.

"I am early today!" i grinned at him, "I have time for a quickie, how about you? Please!"

He laughed. That deep heat chuckle. The one i was falling apart over this weekend, Never hearing his voice? "Too much pain" i had thought then and now as well.

He put his hand on my face and pushed me gently off his palm. A tender touch. and that laugh.

One more touch and i was flying. . . Could not believe the lift! What it means is anyone's guess but the fact that it occurred at all is priceless. oh my Jesus, whatever is this about? Relax me now. for the sake of everyone. so i don't screw it up.

THE DREADFUL THOUGHT

Why am i thinking this was a positive encounter? Michael. I am thinking warmth and goodness. You are thinking annihiliation and un-monogamous-ing? i am basing the whole encounter on my feelings and need alone. He wouldn't have stopped there if he was feeling negative.. my take..

I still have no fucking idea what Michael needs from me. besides real adoration and respect which i already have as an inside guide in behind my breastbone somewhere... Not always my demeanor... but that should be OK!!. funny, i have trusted him from June 27th. More so and more instantly than any man since Christopher in 1984.

But i let everything build up too much, then the whole "turning my soles up" episode was as a match and not able to laugh it off.. ... trust me poz.. .. ..

change my life to suit your mood. why the fuck not. Smooth!
playlist

Tears On My Pillow LOBO
Seasons In The Sun 3:09 LOBO
It Sure Took A Long Time To Miss Me Lobo CALUMET
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend (original version) -- Lobo
Gypsy And The Midnight Ghost Lobo -Bella -Los Lobos & Carlos Santana
Standing at the End of the Line Lobo The Best of Lobo
How Can I Tell Her Lobo CALUMETLos Indios Tabajaras Paul Simon - Los Lobos Zamfir - Los Incas
Into The Night Carlos Santana Feat.Chad Kroeger M
Why D Carlos Santana - Nickleback
Turn Your Lights On Carlos Santana & Everlast M
Smooth Carlos Santan -Rob thomas
Cry Baby Cry Carlos Santana Feat. Joss Stone And Sean Paul
Samba Pa Ti Carlos Santana Santana's Greatest Hits Pop
Spanish Guitar Carlos Santana Klassisk Gitar
After Midnight Jimmi Hendrix,Eric Clapton, Carlos Santana
Pegate Y Motivame Wisin y Yabdel ft. Gadiel & Lobo The Benjamins Reggae
Guajira Carlos Santana Other
after midnight eric clapton, carlos santana & jimi hendrix - rare -
Just Feel Better Carlos Santana/Steve Tyler M
Low Rider Carlos Santana
Game Of Love Carlos Santana feat. Michelle Branch
Amazing Grace Carlos Santana Merry Axemas: A Guitar Christmas Other
Twisted Carlos Santana (feat.) Anthony Hamilton All That I Am
Traffic Jam file Eric Clapton, Stevie Ray Vaughan & Carlos Santana - (EXTREMELY RARE 1979)
Feels Like Fire Carlos Santana-Dido Shaman Rock
Europa Carlos Santana Sunrise
Dawn/Go Within Carlos Santana Moonflower [Bonus Tracks]