Forward progress with Eli

He asked me, "If you could have anything, what would it be?"

He looked so intent, i knew he was going for a certain kind of answer, but my heart could only say, "My kids with me again, under the same roof, living by a few rules that are good for an orderly existence, whatever that shape looks like."

And i sighed from the ache in my broken heart.

the last wednesday of the last week of December, the last of all things for the year.

ok, this really did happen to me tonight. 30 minutes on the phone.
Eli and i went out the tail of this year with him crying to me, "I want you back, mom. What do i have to say to get you to understand that?" My fifteen year old. My flesh and my blood. There was a tiny window tonight. i spent it as wisely as i know how, no blame no guilt.

Fact finding: No i didn't leave because of you.

Yes I loved that man. And watching him break my trust all the times i never let you see it? Broke me of loving anyone. i was not in love with him, but he is a gentle man, gentle to the bone, but there is something there in him that hates and feeds on itself. It makes him cruel. It made ME cruel. To you. I apologize for all the times i never said i was sorry. For all the times i let my anger and hurt spill out on you.

(Right here is where Eli said that he had to apologize too, for not talking, for being mean.wow. major shit.)

Yes, i blamed God for letting it break. I bargained with God to keep it alive. I watched as it fell apart before my eyes, fucking powerless to do a damn thing about it.

Alcohol and selfishness killed us. My dream family killed us while i learned to own and operate with a license and a captain's grace. Yes, i stood between Dan and his consequences for the sake of the family.

None of you took care of me. He wouldn't and wouldn't teach you three how to treat a mother and a wife as a cherished possession.

Our married disrespect became your disrespect and i couldn't stand feeling like you hated me, because you are my skin.

NO, i didn't leave because of you.

My mission was to take you out with me, but you refused to go. You decided to stay.

We are both stubborn, you won't come to me and i cannot go where you are now.

Then it came out. He is scared because of me. that something might happen to me. That he would be good and nothing bad would happen. Unbelievable how simplistic this fifteen-year old thinks, even while he lives a complicated emotional life.

He feels guilty because his dad is veggy state now. That it was 'because i left' is what he thought until now. Now he thinks he can make sure that dad doesn't drink or at least keel over while drinking.. savior complex?

I told Eli he cannot step into my shoes. What i did. It isn't healthy. It sucks. It turns us weird. it did me.. ..He has to take care of himself and let da take care of his own self. He is too young to caretake.

Then the house issue came up. It is why Eli is so strung out. He has his heart set on that house and nothing will change that. That is when he really fell apart and started crying in earnest, "Plz, mom don't say that! DON'T say that, plz!"

"You have any idea how you hurt me when you say shit like that? All negative to dad and how do you even know? Maybe he will be okay and you don't even know."

I responded, "Eli i don't want you to get any more bad surprises. You need to think about where you are going from here if the house goes back to the mortgage company. HERE may not continue for very long."

Then i dropped the news on him, "I have a place starting next week. So you have a place to stay anytime you need to. I hate it that you are with him. He is making you watch this happen and it isn't fair to you."

"How many times did i wipe away tears and put on a face just for you kids to come home to. Or me come through the door too. Dan always said i was grim, but that wasn't how you guys saw me. There is a lot of stuff you have no idea about. I want you with me! Both of you."

He can't see that far yet, but it was a seed planted in a time of need.

The very end, i called him back and said that his dad can't help himself right now and he doesn't mean to scare Eli. He is deep in his own mind and can't get back. Which is probably truer than i think. Thanked him for talking. Did a bit of caretaking, "please call me if your dad gets any sicker. Make sure he gets enough water and tea." Eli actually sounded relieved that i cared. He is figuring it out i think.

i am wrung dry and yet elated. He has to grow up. My end shot to him was a reminder that there will be a lot of families in his life. Several girlfriends. Parent people for every need. He already had Doug, and Greg, and others. That his mom is healthy and willing to let him be his own self. forward progress is the direction we both need to head. he is loved beyond fucking measure.
That this too shall pass.

Most of this down now in black and white.
we talked about suicide too. i still am never sure about him, but was surprised he was worried about me. He remembers too many of my birthdays.... on that alone would have made a more secure man than Daniel drink.

Seducicide on Christmas Eve

i own my words and my actions ~ here is truce but no capitulation

Christmas Eve is 3 hours old. Proprane ran out an hour ago, so i got up to investigate, no going back to sleep. I am FEELING, absorbing, reflecting and weeping. Not for once 'what was'. but for "what could have been"

always looking.

Realized that the sensual needs i have. Those Tobymac moments, "Lose My Soul". i am so completely myself in my skin, i am craving touch. Simply craving maleness, the pressure of arms, the feel of nipples crinkling up together, smooth entanglements, oh to submit to his visual, his smell, two hands in my inner thighs.

Does no one believe me that it is worst in the morning? Just to wake up wrapped together hallejujah and peace and warm stretching of limbs, oh yes, a tight hard quickee.

Wrap that all up with the 'differentness' of this season, work especially? And the propane smell was a temptation. I got the brush burner propane tank hooked up temporarily since the valve is gone on the big one. Even with the leaks, this RV would fill up pretty fast i am thinking. they modified the regulator for white hot fire. evil application of innocent intent, but i was tempted. There has to be more than loss. My GFF said that our mutual friends, B. Sib--- and wife were dealing with family mental health issues again. Which brought us to discussing how poorly B. looks. Thin and grizzled and skull like. My B.! The man who showed my husband how to have some vitality. B. without his vitality is walking dead. He actually grieved Stephen's suicide in a more personal way i think, they were men together. Donald was his youngest though, the baby of the family.

This thing with my son, it just doesn't get over, i get that, so i school myself to not react, to just be plain with him. i know he needs me in a way only a mother can see in the heart of her son. so i don't think about it too often, except in the middle of the night, yes, so fucking what? oblivious in death. i am tempted by this thought even though it becomes more bearable as i find my way.

which fucking reminds me. hello temperboy????
"For every time you sheltered me from harm
You showed me truth, kept me warm

Every time you left me on the street
i found my way, i found my feet."

i own my words and my actions ~ here is truce but no capitulation

Most importantly, i WILL NOT allow Anger to be my motivator, my stiffer upper lipper. Time to do things differently, no matter how much they hurt to learn. You should be taking notes, my man. i am an amazing woman and that's not even talkin'.

Playlist: feliz navidad of course.

YES I KNOW IT IS SATURDAY

AND NOT WEDNESDAY.

I slipped and emailed the link for the apartment to M. fuck. what was i thinking.

i wasn't. i am crying every fucking day for that 5'8" tawny-headed pepperpot. like loving a fucking Italian. the cold is unbearable and the hot is Josehot.

i am having a lot of trouble keeping away from spamming him. i cannot even put myself in his shoes to see. I am wearing a blindfold. of love and lust and need and freedom. and smell.. oh, his smell and touch. gor.

i will not force anything. His call. take my hands off ~~ my top right ear pierce aching ~~ wtf does that mean? He never needed a chain for me. that white gold is my bond. that easy for him to deny? then i don't know.

I had a perfectly good offer to spend the night in Silverdale, hot tub and all, tucked away. A Scorpio with a pretty interesting package. But you know what? First off, he isn't M. and second of all (or first) i don't touch drunks. even sensuous lost ones.. .. .. no fixing.

i have no running water.  everything is frozen solid. i have heat and more propane if necessary when the power goes out. Started snowing hard here at 4:30pm. I made a pot of coffee so i can warm it up in the morning on the propane..

i have candles, two movies, plenty of killer smoke to go with this,  a bottle of wine in the fridge, Brie warming on the counter

i'm a hella woman and that's not even talkin'!

ON  a side note, I am not sure that Love triumphs over Pride. I have seen M. alter a day's plan/heart using only his personal will to turn it aside~~

Yet Pride got over on Love in my marriage because it had alcohol to fuel it. That i do know.
My father, Pride and Silence won over Love when it came to me.

Silence is the worst fucking test ever in my life. Certain silence. Mik'hael amante l'uomo.

Warmed for an Instant By Your Fire, My Midwife

THIRD WEDNESDAY: you said in august i had 6 months.. .. i want my last month giving birth to the place where everything stops. Painful to remember your own birth pangs, "I miss my family!"

I saw you today. and waved and leaned out the window of my LLV and screamed into oncoming traffic, "I love you!"

A crazy unbelievable lift to my heart. you had honked and slowed down. At that instant, i knew.

Flew down the ditch driveway to listen to Toasty's insane barking as i unloaded a parcel and told him, "Eat the package, Toasty! Good boy! Eat it!"

The sound of my voice drove him into a tail chasing frenzy of barking.

I leaped inside and off i went, continuing on my route, looking for you everywhere, concluding that you were a driveby, still OFF on me.

I came out of the assisted living/Alzheimer's lobby, very close to last in the tray of remaining mail. Michael pulled up outside. I pointed him rigid with my arm, willing him to stay as i tossed the trays in the LLV.

He got out of his truck and we met halfway. I wrapped my leg around him and buried my face in his neck. Even a taste of his smell and i was thrumming like a tuned wire.

"Goddamnit, i honked twice at you and you didn't even look around!" he sounded amused but the look in his eyes was unbearably brilliant.

Then he looked directly at me, shook his head, "I have been doing a lot of thinking about you, young lady!"

All i could do was watch his lips and soak him in, thinking of yesterday's cosmic ripping: http://lizannekeith.squarespace.com/womans-heartways/
The excrutiating weekend of weeping on the freeway, in bed, in front of my kids, on the ferry.

I had to say it, "I hope it gave you a fucking migraine, because I was thinking of you, too!" I kept my eyes glued to his face, devouring every inch of skin and tawny hair. First person i have met in a while who can grow a bad haircut out into a stunny look. yum.

I think he saw in my lips that abandonment of weeping. He assented to the assertion and there was a comfortable pause. WE were burning too much wood.

"I have been up an down the road all day, househunting", he shrugged, then told me about a property i knew the address to. He was inspecting me the whole time, those gorgeous eyes, clear today and sparkling; not missing a detail of the homemade fingerless driving gloves, the earth stains on my jeans from falling, the hair in disarray, my face all lit up from the inside out.

I simply blurted out, " I have a place come January 1st. Kingston. Where i need to be, close to my kids. It just came out of the blue on CL. They are retired rural carriers and know my postmaster. "

"I fill out the application and mail it back with a certified check and move in." I know i sounded more sure that i felt, but it was a 'vision' statement. That is what I will do to back up that super phone call.

That and the way the knot in my stomach relaxed. I am not doing well here for whatever reasons.  No worries. All forward progress. Now i have a couple of good guidelines to qualify a rental so it isn't a frustration or impulse move. In case this doesn't work, but it IS worth trusting. duh.

MIchael looked up and away from me and i have no heavenly idea what he thought of my blurt session. He looked like he was absorbing and assessing. I was trying to show him that i was carrying my weight, not "settling". That i was following a path that would be pleasing to him as well.. .. my intent. so as always, misunderstood or disregarded. But i felt more his peer than i had for some time.

oh!

He exclaimed, "You must be cold! Are you?"

So i showed him my layers, and really understood he was asking about the weather and the RV and the state of mind in this cold snap "I have on my silk unders!" i twitched them out of my ass for the 90th tie that day.

I had to touch him, reach him, make sure he was really there, all charming and shit-my-pants gorgeous. Not for the first time i thought, "How true Brandi Carlile's lyrics are, 'Look at the lines across my face. All the stories. But none of them mean anything with no one to tell them to. It's true. I was made for you.'"

"MMmmm" and he grinned and raised an eyebrow, "You keep that ass warm!"

A rub noses and kiss, we ended it some thing like this:

"You go back to work," he disengaged his mind as i pointed to my watch.

"I am early today!" i grinned at him, "I have time for a quickie, how about you? Please!"

He laughed. That deep heat chuckle. The one i was falling apart over this weekend, Never hearing his voice? "Too much pain" i had thought then and now as well.

He put his hand on my face and pushed me gently off his palm. A tender touch. and that laugh.

One more touch and i was flying. . . Could not believe the lift! What it means is anyone's guess but the fact that it occurred at all is priceless. oh my Jesus, whatever is this about? Relax me now. for the sake of everyone. so i don't screw it up.

THE DREADFUL THOUGHT

Why am i thinking this was a positive encounter? Michael. I am thinking warmth and goodness. You are thinking annihiliation and un-monogamous-ing? i am basing the whole encounter on my feelings and need alone. He wouldn't have stopped there if he was feeling negative.. my take..

I still have no fucking idea what Michael needs from me. besides real adoration and respect which i already have as an inside guide in behind my breastbone somewhere... Not always my demeanor... but that should be OK!!. funny, i have trusted him from June 27th. More so and more instantly than any man since Christopher in 1984.

But i let everything build up too much, then the whole "turning my soles up" episode was as a match and not able to laugh it off.. ... trust me poz.. .. ..

change my life to suit your mood. why the fuck not. Smooth!
playlist

Tears On My Pillow LOBO
Seasons In The Sun 3:09 LOBO
It Sure Took A Long Time To Miss Me Lobo CALUMET
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend (original version) -- Lobo
Gypsy And The Midnight Ghost Lobo -Bella -Los Lobos & Carlos Santana
Standing at the End of the Line Lobo The Best of Lobo
How Can I Tell Her Lobo CALUMETLos Indios Tabajaras Paul Simon - Los Lobos Zamfir - Los Incas
Into The Night Carlos Santana Feat.Chad Kroeger M
Why D Carlos Santana - Nickleback
Turn Your Lights On Carlos Santana & Everlast M
Smooth Carlos Santan -Rob thomas
Cry Baby Cry Carlos Santana Feat. Joss Stone And Sean Paul
Samba Pa Ti Carlos Santana Santana's Greatest Hits Pop
Spanish Guitar Carlos Santana Klassisk Gitar
After Midnight Jimmi Hendrix,Eric Clapton, Carlos Santana
Pegate Y Motivame Wisin y Yabdel ft. Gadiel & Lobo The Benjamins Reggae
Guajira Carlos Santana Other
after midnight eric clapton, carlos santana & jimi hendrix - rare -
Just Feel Better Carlos Santana/Steve Tyler M
Low Rider Carlos Santana
Game Of Love Carlos Santana feat. Michelle Branch
Amazing Grace Carlos Santana Merry Axemas: A Guitar Christmas Other
Twisted Carlos Santana (feat.) Anthony Hamilton All That I Am
Traffic Jam file Eric Clapton, Stevie Ray Vaughan & Carlos Santana - (EXTREMELY RARE 1979)
Feels Like Fire Carlos Santana-Dido Shaman Rock
Europa Carlos Santana Sunrise
Dawn/Go Within Carlos Santana Moonflower [Bonus Tracks]

True Love Travels a Gravel Road~second Wednesday

Ok, Broken now for real. How can i live without my muse? That is what i will find out.

When do these things get looked at again? I am his agent for change. But all he could see was that i called him on his attitude. It was his only defense against my pressure as he withdrew. More words, more tears, more need. not good.

i am not afraid to walk the challenge, mylion, mymuse. i will weep as much as it takes to absorb this. WE are both so outspoken and blunt and neither of us can take as much as we either (f)ish or dish out. You don't believe that you can have such a powerful effect on one silly woman. And i don't know how to reach you or teach you that you are powerful.

I was right in July, when i said, "You deserve a good woman who isn't in the middle of anything. Whose kids are grown up." I knew even then, that you had your dad's heart on a string and watching me with mine was excruatiating. We will miss 'what once was' forever, please let us do it together.

playlist. Ani DiFranco, "When i am Gone", Tragically Hip:Nautical Disaster

Words to live by. I got what i deserved for standing up and also for speaking out of turn.



TWO STORIES WIDE
Come out of the darkness.
Don't hide in the night.
Come out in the sunshine.
And we'll be all right.

Life's too long to worry.
And it's too short to cry.
And it's too deep to measure.
It's two stories wide.

There's your side and my side.
Which side do you need?
Both sides make you lonely.
And make your heart bleed.

Life's too long to worry.
And it's too short to cry.
And it's too deep to measure.
It's two stories wide.

Written & performed by: Willie Nelson
Highwayman 2-1990, The Highwayman Collection-2000, et al.