DECEMBER 25TH, CHRISTMAS. THE FIRST ONE. WITHOUT A FAMILY. Also Thursday, new moon in two days. Scripture is all about me trusting hoping leaning.

So many of us sit idly by in our own lives, most of us, just wish and wait, never attempt. Not me..

i wanna ask him, “Have you ever been fucked by an angry woman?”
Push him down on the couch, “Hold still!” i say.
Reach down and lick him, take him off-guard, rip his shirt, scratch his nipples hard.

i love to think out loud, the sound of words turn me on, so i start talking it up, "i would use my own belt, mylion~ to secure your hands loosely. yes, or maybe one of my stockings to hold them above your head so you couldn't reach my gorgeous red hair."

"Definitely start on that smooth chest of yours. Lick you under one ear and then down to your nipple. Trail my tongue to you belly button. trap your cock under my chin and squeeze." The scent of his skin punishes my need.

"Michael, i demand that you lift your hips just to see how nicely your ball sac starts the base of your shaft."

"Watch me play, hand on the base, other hand on your balls and crack of your ass!" Using pressure and motion until my mouth is full of cock.

The rest you prolly already know? "At least bound, you will find it more difficult to force your cock in my throat."

I continued, "although i should be kneeling at your feet, looking up at you and wathching your face as you feed your cock to me, a taste at a time until i gasp for air."

"Lover of my soul, I beg you, please, to oil one of my other holes and fuck me like your lusty slut i am..!"

"Think out loud, lover!" i pin his arms with myknees, dangle my pussy above his reach while i trap his knees with my hands, “Michael, do you need my lips on your cock?”

“Do you? Here!” and smash my labia for an instant on his mouth, going down on him at the same time, one long, smooth stroke. I know using my hands on his knees is the only way to control his body. the pain should give me the time in need to engage him wish my roaring hot pussy.

“Too long of an denial makes the heart grow fucking horny!” i smirk a bit at him while i watch him raise his head and fasten his teeth on one of my lips. the pain is indescribable and pulls me down with him.

“You want my tongue?” he growls at me and tries to loosen his arms from my knees.

“Tongue fuck me, please,” i whisper and release his lower legs as i wrap my arms tight around his legs and take his cock in my mouth as far as i can..

The sensation of his warmth and roughness on my deprived clitty and tongue stiffly penetrating to my g-spot. It is such a fine sensation that i beg, “Please use me like the slut i am. I am your slut your girl, make me cum, i need to cum!”
“Then get off my arms!” and he thrusts me over by my hips as i cannot maintain any muscle control. am cumming for my muse and he punishes me severely for my show of anger.
But that is later.

After he blindfolds me and leads me around the house with nipple clamps and a hand made switch across my ass. That ends when i kneel on the stairs, looking Michael straight in the eye, “You are commanded to stop there and cock my ass, lover!”
Such boldness as i pose with my ass and titties so exposed. The switch marks sting fiery when he swats the welts. The nipple torture is making me dizzy but so hot. I have the chain in my mouth. Michael take me by the hair, his other hand on my neck and shoulder, turns me to his mouth and kisses me and tongues fucks the chain and my mouth.

By now, i am such a mess. The words and the motion are wanton and desirous. I cannot help but present to his touch, forcing his hands to my hip and tits. Just the rightness of it makes me crazy .

I brace my outstretched arms on the stair railing and the opposite wall. It is so much more than his perfectly shaped cock seeking, his anger showing in how hard he touches me. He is losing control and it makes him crazy too.

“Oh my love,” i cry out as the next thrust takes me hard and not gentle at all. The point of penetration is an apology, an epiphany, an organic love that heats my ears. All i can feel is the hard stair under one knee, my muse, my lover, my man's arms around my waist, fingers tearing prints on flesh with each thrust.
“I am going to cum so hard!” his teeth grit next to my ear as his cock swells the last peak of my anal spasms. The feel of his body totally rigid and then a stone weight on my ass and back is my homecoming, my love.

December 27th 2008 birthday eve 6 pm 
cannot get it together... i am alone tomorrow again. ohmy lord. i am a disease. shunned. difficult if not downright impossible, deserving to be alone as a punishment for the rest of my nautural born days. hmmm..

"Mara" ~Gone out full, returning empty, bitter is my name. I can't  quite grasp how long it will be before laughter and love are my portion. the laughter is as precious as the love. Just because you don't believe, does not mean i should not. believe. that is. i believe. in a lot of things.

December 24th, christmas eve, 1:30 am

sooo tired. woke up at 1 am wailing again. like a fucking disease. so i wrote and then lay back down after getting simply baked and puking my guts out online. doesn't lessen the bitterness or the pain. such a good match in so many ways.

jesus help me miss him less... i swear i felt him lying beside me last night for a minute. him rolled ever into me or at least an arm over me, both of us flat on our backs. i turned my head and felt him. it wasn't spooky at all.
don't think i am going to be able to get through this, without anger.
need my anger to fuel me
drive me, goad me,
sharpen me. anger always sharpens me.



DECEMBER 22 2008 MONDAY
fucking fuckin fuck. it hurts.
like a dull ache..
a big fuck you?



December 19th 2008, Friday night.
ok about M during the day, but at night?
Gets hard. Especially with the upcoming storm. and he won't call me.
i surrendered to my Master today, asked HIM to fix Michael's deal. Asked HIM to continue to bless this or at least make the way smooth.
“See where Life takes us”
wtf is that. that is fuck you...

Fuck you little princess, who the hell you think you are?
This confident woman is stone cold fucking mad. and will be for some time. long enough


December 18th 2008 evening time. 8 pm actually.
called him to tell him was surviving the weather.
at any rate, the habit of accountability dies hard.


December 9th 2008 Tuesday, 4:30am

Talked with Roberta last night...
I moved out on the middle of May, met him in person June 27th. He kicked me to the curb on December 7th. Sleeping together is reserved for those who are actually together.

Which will be my first new rule of dating. If you are in my bed or i get into yours. a full night is the rule. followed by sex and coffee and breakfast in the morning.

i feel i was treated disrespectfully as well and that i was too close to my own situation to be able to handle his bad moods..

What an amazing man he is; that i come away with good and i know he does too, even if we don't hook up again real soon. He is right though. my heart has to belong to me. I know this was a unique situation and i “gave myself unreservedly” to be “companion”.

My response will always be, “I owe you my life”.

5:15 am
how many years did we live in 6 months?
wow.

December 8th, 2008, Monday morning. 6 am
worte about this in my paper journal.
michael and i are right on the edge

thinking really hard and the 'detaching' part is NOT on me. it is when he is scared and starts to feel too much.
the ache for my first dom is real. he is my connection.

kept telling me how i am not ready to be with him.
well, yes, because to this date all we have shared is our pasts..
fucking in the present. except he is a great lover and very charming.
so the next move is on him..
i don't have anything left to lose.

ok, this is it!


December 1, 2008. Monday at 9 pm
i have a heart ache where Michael lives. he called me. and was real matter of fact. all about me and t-giving. and him and it took him 5 years to stop wanting to pick up the phone and hear her voice. ooookay. it will take me five years to give up the dream of a family. whatever the hell that means. He has to move.
when? where?

he is waiting on something.. and freaking out basically. he says he will probably stay here. but no word on moving in with me... .. .. or me with him... .. ..now it seems like a dream. he is a dream i had once this summer.
he is detaching. he says. like from when he was a captain of the boat. priest and father confessor.
he is doing that with me. that pisses me off.

”well i called, didn't i? that is a start!" he sounds hot under the collar, so i shut up. Part of me is really fucking angry and the rest is almost relieved. in a lot of ways.
very fucking critical and not endorsing at all..