last but best wednesday in august

this is a watershed day for me.

the light has dawned

the playlist for Eli is "That was teh River, This is the Sea" ~ Waterboys

my heart has been broken into three pieces. it used to be four pieces, but now that iknow Shepard is a family man, talented, and ok, it made it ok.

Liam, Lucas and Eli. two of my three pieces are going to be fine.

and now Eli living with JL is perfect. for now. not all i wish but it is all grace to me.

and we had a talk, and he is including me in his life. i think i will be extra careful not to us up grace for more tears. i do not want to cry over eli anymore.

but i sure got a kick outta his dad.. with the worst cariacture of a bitch ever. godless worldly drunkard. from 2002, doh. of course

Wednesday the 5th has turned into a random last entry for July.

From: elizabethanne on the 12th. the second wednesday the first damp wednesday since May. all wednesday all  humpy and lumpy and stuff:
Subject: aug 10 week
Date: August 10, 2009 8:37:53 PM PDT

capricorn week

While Venus is in House 7 16 more days 02AUG09 to 26AUG09
You are more considerate & cooperative in one-on-one relations.
It's easier to express affection to loved ones & share pleasures.
You may attract a new romance; future mate; or business partner.
You can work in harmony with any partners & make easy compromises.
It's the best time to make peace with opponents & settle lawsuits.
It's a time to renew the romance with a lover; to be more sensual.
Working relationships involving art or artistic taste work well.
It's a fine time to work with a partner in arts & entertainment.


if i said that pisces is my south node and it is in the 7th house of outlooks and aperceptions
would explain why i am in the soft antagonistic to rotted anger.

michael said today the the bitterness never leaves.
i just said i was not going to talk to the ex again. not in bitterness but in wisdom.
my presence still has the mental. . . hinders him from either falling or soaring for some reason. so
there that is.

while i see raw hatred and wounded pride and bitterness and mean ness of spirit.
all the things i felt today. allowed my self to feel.

ok, luvel. what is next
comforatbable my ass . what was the bravado about. evasieness. what are you up tooo.
why push me away even farther.
don't get it.
damn it.

leo week
While Venus is in House 12 16 more days 02AUG09 to 26AUG09
It's a time to learn about selfless Love ...not selfish "love".
Opportunities come to show compassion or receive devoted caring.
You sacrifice your self-interest to support/serve/save someone.
You're attracted to charity work or some form of selfless service.
You're attracted to someone who needs help...or YOU attract help.
Romantically there may be isolation/self-denial/schemes/scandal.
You're inclined to sacrifice for others...without any guilt trips.
It's a time to give and get Love without condition or expectation.


i have been humiliated. instead of mate and mating closer and doing for each other. i am pushed out. again.

partly becasue i have parent duties. which means he might come here. but no, he refused. so do not know what to do. still choked over it. blown too. like i overstepped boundaries. guess his reactions are teh key. but to what i do not know.

he can live "two days or two weeks without seeing me" because "I am comfortable with where we are at"

adn the best one?

"Guess i  was lucky, now i know why i took this way" his comment about monday's encounter on Bond.

NO, the answer is, "Gee i thought i would have missed you so it was safe to go this way since you are usually off by 3 or 4 pm., Didn't expect to run into you after 5 pm!" Thinking furiously, well guess i better stop and turn around, damn. another delay to getting home. and lord does she talk, justl ike my mom. "" "" etc... my version of my asshole of a lover dude manly man's brain...

so he is more than likely got someone. new. fresh. younger tighter. another one to worship him.
That would be a worst case scenario.

can't do for each other by now, when will it happen? When i need a hug i should be able to get one. when he needs a rub down or sleep, then call me. or come over. whatever. why is it "weird?" please explain that?