And mylion assured me that i had the six months i needed from him to let these things take their pace. Wheeewww...

HOw to examine this process to relate it to t hose who have gone before. Merciless but accurate? Not wrapped in former ways of relating. Stop talking and start listening. We all learn obedience in the things we suffer. I wouldn't trade these last 8 years for anything, for i am complete now.

My friend said, "Yes, you may have been given permission to leave at that time (see lifeways), but there was no sense of emergency or urgency to the presence of the Spirit. He was preparing you and He needed you to go through the endurance, imo". What a blessed insight. Removed all the guilt like pffffft, gone! As long as it wasn't wasted time. that would be grievous.

The miracle of YOU BABE? was for me all along, but being ready to receive? took a couple of years. To think we lived down th e block from them for those years. damn.

ON THE HOME FRONT

Got the teens their school stuff. Not shoes or backpacks, but registered one for high school (i ain't that old!!!) and the other one in Meany Middle School unless Washington MS has room for him in the ASSIST program. He will live with brother until it is time to bring him to another home, hopefull with me. After spending the day with him, though, he is still carrying the home stuff with his heart and is pretty polarized to me.. He has a sensitive spirit still though, so that is all good.

AND MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS CRAWLING!!! AT NOT QUITE 7 MONTHS!!!! WOOT!! TA-YA!! and pulling herself up. L. is getting to be quite the dom male, so that is good. Making a man's decisions and correcting T. YES!@that !

adn the nicest thing that anyone said to me this week? M. said, "You really are a sentimental woman!"

ahhmm, yes, i am, baby.

You listened to your mother, you listened to your erstwhile husband, you listened to your fear.

Time for a new wind to blow again through for the sake of JOY!

And like a fresh wind blowing through after a storm, the last couple of weeks becomes perfectly clear. The tension getting higher in my voice and shoulders, the joy dropping off, the grinding worry again showing up to plague me while i drive and while i seek to be creative.

Looked at September's finances all neatly laid out and cried. TIED. BOUND. to keep him afloat. all the work with CWHL.. .. all the utilities.. .. and falling behind in  my regular bills. no new story, just the bastrado using me while he panics.

The dream of getting into my own place. and not a default place either, the dream of getting all this little debt gathered up and paid? elusive. while the creditors gather. the divorce and attorney? elusive.. ...

The cutoff? my realization that i could get a place and have my Liam and a sanctuary for Eli, but the grinding worry would just repeat itself in a million ways like it did during the danny years. i have a chance. ONE CHANCE. NOW. to cut him off, let him go, and take care of the incredible contortionist maneuvers i incurred while he was having life problems.

And he swears it never happened. that i just went out and fucked things up while he was working. "All i did was sign". dear God take that bastrado OUT!.

More than a normal separation and divorce or whatever. i have the incredible magic memory of an alcoholic/chemically imbalanced man.  Sort of the "I ain't crazy, YOU all are!" mentality. Ahmm, who didn't work for 20 months? Who got a new job and worked for 9 months before going crazy for 4 months and then going to Chemically Challenged Rehab for 9 months? On MY health insurance! on COBRA dental! Who came back and HAD TO, had to have everything RIGHT NOW and the wife had better produce because Lord knows, this whole damn thing is her fault.

and i, submissively and passively, agressively did it ALL, because this was the magic moment when everything would straighten out and the family would be OK.. so NOT>

yeah, it gives me the blues. but it is over for me.  i hope he makes a life for himself. or more to the point, looks to his Master, 'cuz that is real life.

Playlist: Isaac Freeman and the Bluebloods

All the times i planned and celebrated with only his physical self in attendance. All the times i ministered to others and enjoyed the day, missing only the tenderness, the cherishment, the love. All the shouldas, wouldas, couldas, killed this marriage just as surely as did the sloppy selfish toxic behaviors.  Neglect and raised voices. Less than a  bad commercial, more than a b slasher flick.

Everyone  and i mean EVERYONE tells me the worst is yet to come, the crying has yet to commence, etc. After all the tears i cried for nothing? Faugh and piddle. 

Found sweet sanity and physical release for all the phantom limb aching. so when is his anniversary? He says he would have said nothing. well, there it is..

i desire to be the kind of person who grows on ya, the longer you know me, the more you wonder what ya did without me... ..  too easy to be the other kind of person. i can only be me. and i am blessed in spite of the shitty stuff..

WEDNESDAY NIGHT UPDATE

And this is the "what is left of my family?". I had a bad case today of the blues. There is nothing left for me. I don't know what to do with myself if mother and wife and empire builder is done forever. Work is what i do so i can have a life elsewhere. It is NOT where i get my identity. It only helps others identify me. He gets the house, the one son I cherished, the paid for vehicle, the furniture and the divorce for free. Homeless, I get the utility bills, the HELOC, the car insurance and on the list goes with past debt i racked up getting him free. What the Fuck did i do wrong?

Yes, it was a bad couple of hours until i started singing the Vineyard song, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." from Psalm 145. I could hear the growl of the lead guitar jsut as if i were in the studio.. . funny how that stuff hangs on.. ..