Even "Good Women" Get the Blues

Stop this !!

You listened to your mother, you listened to your erstwhile husband, you listened to your fear.

Time for a new wind to blow again through for the sake of JOY!

Then what about the rest of it? The message i got the other night?:
"The other thing that happened standing at his bedroom window Friday night was the clear impression of a conversation i had with Father God right before we bought the house in Gamblewood. I asked Him to free me, release me, get me out, save my boys from this battle of the spouses.. Permission was granted. I remember clearly the peace that descended and the assurance. I took it to mean He would endure with me throughout. Quite the opposite. I listened to my mother's voice instead.
Which sounds something like this, " GOOD women stay married, only BAD women get shamefully divorced." WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT AND I KNEW THIS!!!! and let it guide my actions anyway. And so his sons grew up with the mistress from hell. Again, my fault entirely. I had the means and acuity and lacked the spirit to take the heat and leave in '99."

I am or are not a good woman? i did take a powder once in the name of severe wounded pride and lust. all six weeks of it. So do i need a poll? Good or bad? I wasn't out there playing for pennies, or was I?

Ahhhh, the fear feeds on the pride.

And like a fresh wind blowing through after a storm, the last couple of weeks becomes perfectly clear. The tension getting higher in my voice and shoulders, the joy dropping off, the grinding worry again showing up to plague me while i drive and while i seek to be creative.

Looked at September's finances all neatly laid out and cried. TIED. BOUND. to keep him afloat. all the work with CWHL.. .. all the utilities.. .. and falling behind in  my regular bills. no new story, just the bastrado using me while he panics.

The dream of getting into my own place. and not a default place either, the dream of getting all this little debt gathered up and paid? elusive. while the creditors gather. the divorce and attorney? elusive.. ...

The cutoff? my realization that i could get a place and have my Liam and a sanctuary for Eli, but the grinding worry would just repeat itself in a million ways like it did during the danny years. i have a chance. ONE CHANCE. NOW. to cut him off, let him go, and take care of the incredible contortionist maneuvers i incurred while he was having life problems.

And he swears it never happened. that i just went out and fucked things up while he was working. "All i did was sign". dear God take that bastrado OUT!.

More than a normal separation and divorce or whatever. i have the incredible magic memory of an alcoholic/chemically imbalanced man.  Sort of the "I ain't crazy, YOU all are!" mentality. Ahmm, who didn't work for 20 months? Who got a new job and worked for 9 months before going crazy for 4 months and then going to Chemically Challenged Rehab for 9 months? On MY health insurance! on COBRA dental! Who came back and HAD TO, had to have everything RIGHT NOW and the wife had better produce because Lord knows, this whole damn thing is her fault.

and i, submissively and passively, agressively did it ALL, because this was the magic moment when everything would straighten out and the family would be OK.. so NOT>

yeah, it gives me the blues. but it is over for me.  i hope he makes a life for himself. or more to the point, looks to his Master, 'cuz that is real life.

Playlist: Isaac Freeman and the Bluebloods