Wednesday After 18 years

why is insignificance so significant when it is missed and poisoned and misrepresented? I hid out in Sanctuary on the date of my non-anniversary of 18 years of pure confusion. Hard to find purpose and design in all of that.. **sigh** grace and patience **sigh**

All the times i planned and celebrated with only his physical self in attendance. All the times i ministered to others and enjoyed the day, missing only the tenderness, the cherishment, the love. All the shouldas, wouldas, couldas, killed this marriage just as surely as did the sloppy selfish toxic behaviors.  Neglect and raised voices. Less than a  bad commercial, more than a b slasher flick.

Everyone  and i mean EVERYONE tells me the worst is yet to come, the crying has yet to commence, etc. After all the tears i cried for nothing? Faugh and piddle. 

Found sweet sanity and physical release for all the phantom limb aching. so when is his anniversary? He says he would have said nothing. well, there it is..

i desire to be the kind of person who grows on ya, the longer you know me, the more you wonder what ya did without me... ..  too easy to be the other kind of person. i can only be me. and i am blessed in spite of the shitty stuff..

WEDNESDAY NIGHT UPDATE

And this is the "what is left of my family?". I had a bad case today of the blues. There is nothing left for me. I don't know what to do with myself if mother and wife and empire builder is done forever. Work is what i do so i can have a life elsewhere. It is NOT where i get my identity. It only helps others identify me. He gets the house, the one son I cherished, the paid for vehicle, the furniture and the divorce for free. Homeless, I get the utility bills, the HELOC, the car insurance and on the list goes with past debt i racked up getting him free. What the Fuck did i do wrong?

Yes, it was a bad couple of hours until i started singing the Vineyard song, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." from Psalm 145. I could hear the growl of the lead guitar jsut as if i were in the studio.. . funny how that stuff hangs on.. ..