last Wednesday of August

Too much change. Just get a grip on the personal life thing and then work does a 180. Did get an angel sent to me. in the form of a gal on my route. "You have to be able to let your life change in an instant, everything upside down and ass over teakettle, without missing a beat". This from a woman who has had more tragedy and more love in 20 years than most people experience in two lifetimes. Needed the perspective.

And mylion assured me that i had the six months i needed from him to let these things take their pace. Wheeewww...

HOw to examine this process to relate it to t hose who have gone before. Merciless but accurate? Not wrapped in former ways of relating. Stop talking and start listening. We all learn obedience in the things we suffer. I wouldn't trade these last 8 years for anything, for i am complete now.

My friend said, "Yes, you may have been given permission to leave at that time (see lifeways), but there was no sense of emergency or urgency to the presence of the Spirit. He was preparing you and He needed you to go through the endurance, imo". What a blessed insight. Removed all the guilt like pffffft, gone! As long as it wasn't wasted time. that would be grievous.

The miracle of YOU BABE? was for me all along, but being ready to receive? took a couple of years. To think we lived down th e block from them for those years. damn.

ON THE HOME FRONT

Got the teens their school stuff. Not shoes or backpacks, but registered one for high school (i ain't that old!!!) and the other one in Meany Middle School unless Washington MS has room for him in the ASSIST program. He will live with brother until it is time to bring him to another home, hopefull with me. After spending the day with him, though, he is still carrying the home stuff with his heart and is pretty polarized to me.. He has a sensitive spirit still though, so that is all good.

AND MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS CRAWLING!!! AT NOT QUITE 7 MONTHS!!!! WOOT!! TA-YA!! and pulling herself up. L. is getting to be quite the dom male, so that is good. Making a man's decisions and correcting T. YES!@that !

adn the nicest thing that anyone said to me this week? M. said, "You really are a sentimental woman!"

ahhmm, yes, i am, baby.

Even "Good Women" Get the Blues

Stop this !!

You listened to your mother, you listened to your erstwhile husband, you listened to your fear.

Time for a new wind to blow again through for the sake of JOY!

Then what about the rest of it? The message i got the other night?:
"The other thing that happened standing at his bedroom window Friday night was the clear impression of a conversation i had with Father God right before we bought the house in Gamblewood. I asked Him to free me, release me, get me out, save my boys from this battle of the spouses.. Permission was granted. I remember clearly the peace that descended and the assurance. I took it to mean He would endure with me throughout. Quite the opposite. I listened to my mother's voice instead.
Which sounds something like this, " GOOD women stay married, only BAD women get shamefully divorced." WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT AND I KNEW THIS!!!! and let it guide my actions anyway. And so his sons grew up with the mistress from hell. Again, my fault entirely. I had the means and acuity and lacked the spirit to take the heat and leave in '99."

I am or are not a good woman? i did take a powder once in the name of severe wounded pride and lust. all six weeks of it. So do i need a poll? Good or bad? I wasn't out there playing for pennies, or was I?

Ahhhh, the fear feeds on the pride.

And like a fresh wind blowing through after a storm, the last couple of weeks becomes perfectly clear. The tension getting higher in my voice and shoulders, the joy dropping off, the grinding worry again showing up to plague me while i drive and while i seek to be creative.

Looked at September's finances all neatly laid out and cried. TIED. BOUND. to keep him afloat. all the work with CWHL.. .. all the utilities.. .. and falling behind in  my regular bills. no new story, just the bastrado using me while he panics.

The dream of getting into my own place. and not a default place either, the dream of getting all this little debt gathered up and paid? elusive. while the creditors gather. the divorce and attorney? elusive.. ...

The cutoff? my realization that i could get a place and have my Liam and a sanctuary for Eli, but the grinding worry would just repeat itself in a million ways like it did during the danny years. i have a chance. ONE CHANCE. NOW. to cut him off, let him go, and take care of the incredible contortionist maneuvers i incurred while he was having life problems.

And he swears it never happened. that i just went out and fucked things up while he was working. "All i did was sign". dear God take that bastrado OUT!.

More than a normal separation and divorce or whatever. i have the incredible magic memory of an alcoholic/chemically imbalanced man.  Sort of the "I ain't crazy, YOU all are!" mentality. Ahmm, who didn't work for 20 months? Who got a new job and worked for 9 months before going crazy for 4 months and then going to Chemically Challenged Rehab for 9 months? On MY health insurance! on COBRA dental! Who came back and HAD TO, had to have everything RIGHT NOW and the wife had better produce because Lord knows, this whole damn thing is her fault.

and i, submissively and passively, agressively did it ALL, because this was the magic moment when everything would straighten out and the family would be OK.. so NOT>

yeah, it gives me the blues. but it is over for me.  i hope he makes a life for himself. or more to the point, looks to his Master, 'cuz that is real life.

Playlist: Isaac Freeman and the Bluebloods

Wednesday After 18 years

why is insignificance so significant when it is missed and poisoned and misrepresented? I hid out in Sanctuary on the date of my non-anniversary of 18 years of pure confusion. Hard to find purpose and design in all of that.. **sigh** grace and patience **sigh**

All the times i planned and celebrated with only his physical self in attendance. All the times i ministered to others and enjoyed the day, missing only the tenderness, the cherishment, the love. All the shouldas, wouldas, couldas, killed this marriage just as surely as did the sloppy selfish toxic behaviors.  Neglect and raised voices. Less than a  bad commercial, more than a b slasher flick.

Everyone  and i mean EVERYONE tells me the worst is yet to come, the crying has yet to commence, etc. After all the tears i cried for nothing? Faugh and piddle. 

Found sweet sanity and physical release for all the phantom limb aching. so when is his anniversary? He says he would have said nothing. well, there it is..

i desire to be the kind of person who grows on ya, the longer you know me, the more you wonder what ya did without me... ..  too easy to be the other kind of person. i can only be me. and i am blessed in spite of the shitty stuff..

WEDNESDAY NIGHT UPDATE

And this is the "what is left of my family?". I had a bad case today of the blues. There is nothing left for me. I don't know what to do with myself if mother and wife and empire builder is done forever. Work is what i do so i can have a life elsewhere. It is NOT where i get my identity. It only helps others identify me. He gets the house, the one son I cherished, the paid for vehicle, the furniture and the divorce for free. Homeless, I get the utility bills, the HELOC, the car insurance and on the list goes with past debt i racked up getting him free. What the Fuck did i do wrong?

Yes, it was a bad couple of hours until i started singing the Vineyard song, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." from Psalm 145. I could hear the growl of the lead guitar jsut as if i were in the studio.. . funny how that stuff hangs on.. ..

WEDNESDAY UPDATE!

Wednesday, 6 August 2008 at 10:02 PM Mood: jealous but joyful and free

So, yes he did. Sunday morning, a beautiful poached egg breakfast. tender hands deftly slicing a juicy tomato. slipped the last of the Swiss cheese on my sausage patty, thinking i wouldn't notice the extra touch. Then, a candid photo of him with the kitchen towel around his shoulders, pausing in the doorway. Soul in his Thomas Hardy blue eyes, rakish grin lighting up all his smile lines. Charm, grace on outdoor handsome. Such a difference from the grim loathing of the "SIR" self-portrait taken a couple of months ago for his online profiles. So which 4-letter word is it?

I can only speak for the hoodie which knows all my secrets. Hope floats, yes it does. I see a man who has come in to his own; vitality and power with the grace of a hunting pride. Takes my breath away.

At the gym today, totally freebasing oxygen all the way to 1.4 miles, it occurred to me that the thin similarities between us are core deep. Not peas in a pod, but right and left thumbprints.

Have you ever screamed at the top of your lungs just to assure yourself you are alive and not alone because you can hear your voice? Have you ever heard the voice of the eternal at so young of an age that you didn't know what it meant, but only that you were encompassed? Sure it fades with adulthood, but you are marked forever. Your heart may belong to you now, but it is claimed.

Our hearts belong as they should, but my soul is alive in a way that defies gravity.. .. .. I drown in one drop of his attention to my person.. .. .. I will never again let anyone treat me the way i lived this life for so many years. Especially myself! ! It is not worth or esteem or any of that crap. It is the simple knowing that the Master's hand took me to the darkest edge; not for me, but so that i would acknowledge my allegiances in the proper places. Then he swung me up on the swing and pushed me until i lost my breath and the sky was dizzy and as blue as my companion's eyes; hugged me tight and said, "Don't forget, go have fun."

Unfold, shine on us, show the way, let it always be, let it always stay, always hold the key.


For August's story, i have Nelle's excerpt, and the tale of first time. Also a tale of white stockings and blue bindings, humming. think i will work on vignettes.


FORMER HOME FRONT?
Two things.  It is taking much longer than i feel safe with. The volatility and hostility and harm to me is real. No one understands that. I am afraid of him. there , i said it out loud. He continues to harm me every way except physically. All over the map.

Cut and run? That is not an option at this point. His success equals my freedom for future burdens. He can have it all and somewhere along the way not self-destruct? that is the high road i choose for the sake of my heart (boys).

thing two: I have paid for all my sins at least once and continue to pay twice over in order to be free. A high price, yes. One that makes me weep or gnash depending on the level of my gas tank. Being thrown back to bimonthly finances? For how long?


As long as it takes, so deal with it, lizzy. I am infinitely better off than many! I am out! I have both sanctuary and home! I have options that many do not! Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Playlist: Nanci Griffith
The complete MCA Studio Recordings
**One Blade Shy of a Sharp Edge**