MORE shit and no shinola in sight

why do i feel as if i should have stayed?

why do i feel so cheated because Nok has finally agreed to come over for dinner
but it is not because he likes me.

Eli won't come to my place but he worried that his dad is going to off himself.

liam won't say "our" place because he is not at dad's.

Ellen got a headache from visiting me.

So it finallly happened. a A Leo in full charm. At my kitchen table. drinking coffee and following me with those brilliant eyes. He took in every detail. Three months ago i would have died for this. Now, it was so bittersweet, because he also chooses to go home and sleep with himself. ONe telling thing, "i sometimes get your clothes from the closet and breathe deep like this," and he gathered up a fist of my shirt and pulled me and it to his nose and buried his face.

He was not critical of anything, we lay on the bed and talked. He shared personally with me. He was touched when i told him how i kept the hoodie in a quilt bag so i woldn't lose the smell. He was so tender with me. it was as if the last time away was erased. and oh, how he was good to me. He is such a good lover. adn he is happy with how he is losing weight.

It made me realize that he is worth waiting for, but not if he is playing me. Remember, he was only up here for to drop off money. and he has refused to come into my world up to htis point.

i cant begin to tell  you how amazing it was to have your masculine presence in this little place. your laugh was much neededd here. how i fantasized. you are my true love oh Father, bless Michael.

i lay here afterwards and had a huge panic attack. Between eli calling me and the bank doublechecking my deposit from cicu. ohmyg. adn then finding out that i had entered the wrong tsp # and had to re-submit my hardship withdrawal application. sometimes it jsut gets too overwhelming.

michael did say that he was still bouncing between places. he hasn't found a permanent place yet..

and when he made love to me, it was like a dream. a dream come true. no laughing at my creaky old mattress.

He is so fucking gorgeious....two hours of pure pleasure.