Please do not let me fall

Wednesday 3 of 5

Two keeping each other warm. The lastest go around with mylion on Friday night. Clothes scattered everywhere. improv from the minute i walked in the door, and i didn't want to stop to go pee zoot bad so i couldn't cum. but i don't feel secure with him anymore so giving up an orgasm is impossible anyway.. how fucked up is that?

Two major statements, " I am not afraid of you" "you knew we weren't going to live together anyway"

and the one that i hang on to, He shakes his head afterwards and says, "Wheww, what would it be like waking up to that every morning, every day?"

Yet Richard (ALPHA COUNSELING) on Monday night helped shed light on the syndrome i fell into.
Desperately seeking distance and perspective from this living heartache.

the topic of emotional neglect and the need to be touched means i haven't a clue still. even after all those years of learning, of trying.

oh sister ellen, what a blessing you are to me.
help me get through this awful time !
your wry humorous resignation comes in handy.
The fear factors and lack of security for me are the tools the enemy works with
i know that i am so vulnerable right now. and so does everyone else.
you speak so directly to the things that mean the heart of me and i am blessed.

i talked to Al A. last night. he is drugged to the max so he doesn't feel. he told me about Sue's death in the ER story in a flat tone of voice. like he needs to repeat it over and over again. and he agreed to call Daniel. i got a horrible anxiety-inducing phone call from Dan. i am afraid he may commit suicide over the whole Eli and the housepayment thing. He choked up and said, "I love you deeply, Elizabeth and i am so sorry."
what the fuck am i supposed to do with that>? i do love danny, he is/was my husband. a eternal connection. Like mylion said, "I had to keep myself from reaching for that phone even after 4 years." Why didn't he. Lu..... was his wife of his youth!

But when the 'feelings' wear off, would he stop lying to me? or drinking?
i get the sense of loss. i lost the man in my life i could barely rely on for basics. it wore me out. trust and security and touch. he stole it from me. i steel my resolve with that thin blanket because part of me wants ti to be all better no matter what..

and like Jenny at work said to me y esterday, "I am changed. i will never be the same" about going through this kind of thing with her son who is like eli and a messy angry divorce.
god, living is so not worth this crap.

the hard part is the overnight bag. letting go of the season of being angry freed and sexy. the delight in being a woman for the first time. the touch of you on me, in me. you were my first and last. there is no next. what a gift of touch and healing. The overnight bag will sit in my closet with the hoodie in it and a note to my children about its meaning, so that when i die someone will know that i loved you truely and that you touched me as no man ever did before or since. love you baby