LAST WEDNESDAY OF A

weird month.

ok, the basics. i am now on a salary schedule which is every other weekend off.

I do not know if my body can maintain that for very long.

mylion and i are sort of in a weird place too. my bad if i lose him. there is so much i am journaling right now about that. He is very smart and self protective and he has seen a lot of loss. i wonder about his vows and do vows work when the person is secular. Gotta serves omebody love. your faith is what makes you whole. "my heart  belongs to me" is the hellish place on earth.

Went back to church, but not back into the culture. God has GOT to be bigger than the evangelical belief system or HE would be using it more to rock HIS world. just saying.

I love Jesus more this week than i have in a long time.

The fact remains that danny and i are no more. kaput. broken. and neither of us can get  past that. niether can anyone who knows us.

my friends are absolutley right. i wake up in the morning with a smile because i am whole in me. not because so and so loves me, or everything is going well. having a hard time with that.

eli and i talked this week. still  no resolution.

liam is pushing me to go back to the Egyptian way of doing things. i cannot.

i am  on the edge financially and alone

The panic attacks got better the minute i turned it back over to jesus.

i still love m. even though i know he is my south  point.

MORE shit and no shinola in sight

why do i feel as if i should have stayed?

why do i feel so cheated because Nok has finally agreed to come over for dinner
but it is not because he likes me.

Eli won't come to my place but he worried that his dad is going to off himself.

liam won't say "our" place because he is not at dad's.

Ellen got a headache from visiting me.

So it finallly happened. a A Leo in full charm. At my kitchen table. drinking coffee and following me with those brilliant eyes. He took in every detail. Three months ago i would have died for this. Now, it was so bittersweet, because he also chooses to go home and sleep with himself. ONe telling thing, "i sometimes get your clothes from the closet and breathe deep like this," and he gathered up a fist of my shirt and pulled me and it to his nose and buried his face.

He was not critical of anything, we lay on the bed and talked. He shared personally with me. He was touched when i told him how i kept the hoodie in a quilt bag so i woldn't lose the smell. He was so tender with me. it was as if the last time away was erased. and oh, how he was good to me. He is such a good lover. adn he is happy with how he is losing weight.

It made me realize that he is worth waiting for, but not if he is playing me. Remember, he was only up here for to drop off money. and he has refused to come into my world up to htis point.

i cant begin to tell  you how amazing it was to have your masculine presence in this little place. your laugh was much neededd here. how i fantasized. you are my true love oh Father, bless Michael.

i lay here afterwards and had a huge panic attack. Between eli calling me and the bank doublechecking my deposit from cicu. ohmyg. adn then finding out that i had entered the wrong tsp # and had to re-submit my hardship withdrawal application. sometimes it jsut gets too overwhelming.

michael did say that he was still bouncing between places. he hasn't found a permanent place yet..

and when he made love to me, it was like a dream. a dream come true. no laughing at my creaky old mattress.

He is so fucking gorgeious....two hours of pure pleasure.

saturday morning early

here is what i wrote roberta last week:

m: elizabeth anne
To: Roberta
Date: Apr 13, 2009 6:03 PM
Subject: hey friend

....we all have seen a load of troubled things by this age, so if she is having trouble i ask the lord jesus to bless and aid her. and us. and our kids. and the ones we fight with. WE need the Father's blessing, you know?

Liam is having a hard time adjusting to being here. he wants the "boss of me" thing and then again he doesn't. but i cannot believe i am a single parent again. That changes my parameters, but i will go for an overnighter if i had the opportunity, which lately has not happened.

My 'lil bag, hasn't seen any action in some time. M. is pissy then sweet then fuckn' hot and oh my god the lovin the other night was the best yet.. but i left at 10 and slept in my own bed. my punishment for him because he left my ass out in the wind 'cuz he thot i was a whackjob, as in too needy, to clingy.. YEAH. i am still incensed. I HAD no frame of reference. he promised to be IT for while i needed him as a beacon and a safe place.. and he bailed on me. and then blamed me. i know this and yet, when he smiles at me, i want to leap into his arms and breathe him in until i die.. so damn simple, Roberta.
always a negative connotation. i swear he hides out in his lair and broods about people getting one over on him.
i am so lonely i could fuckin' keen.

true: i texted him that i hadn't showered in the morning so i could his smell on me longer.
then i IM'd him in the evening and told him, "Needy isn't negative, nok (hearing what he would say in my head.) "Needy just means i am taking a shower now. had you on me all damn day,,, uh--uh-huh!"

there is a metal shield now. between me and my thoughts. i laid here last night and placed my current life in a no-man-in-my-life-no-lover- zone. no normal interaction. the things i was working for. getting divorced so i could have a life where my man would come up for a cup of coffee and discuss his day. where a quick call to let me know where he was working, and a flirt along with it. Sleeping in my bed once in a while. mutually exclusive plans. Dinner in, out around the schedules. companionship.

instead it went nightmarish on me and like my marriage i tried to keep it alive. knowing as i didn't then, that i am worth the effort, i respect him as a person and a man so much. it should have never gone south. So i guess then it becomes his ball, his court. i haven't heard from him in a week.
Now that i got an AFF subscription going again, it strikes me all over, how rare and beautiful our encounter really was. i am angry at being miscategorized or mis heard the most. what part about compassion do you not understand? You say you have it, say that you are a gentleman, but you tossed me in a heartbeat after making up negative crap about my motives before you even asked me.

The hardest part is knowing he will apply that negative light to our entire time with oe another and it won't be in my favor. He will twist the things around so he looks good. and he lies casually. He does set his life up so everything flows 'in' to him. The reality is that he is not a man i can trust with my emotions. he lied to me about that after he told me it was ok. I wish i could have met his mother.

The pressure i do not feel? mylion's judgement on every little thing that goes on. a response to 'if it weren't for him" he does not have to be involved, just critical of how it is done. My finances are such a big problem right now and because it isn't like he thinks it ought to be, he is critical...like i would be here if i had options. Complete with no recognition of how hard i try to be ethical in all things.

especially the dom'sub stuff. he was eager enought to play when it was his wick getting dipped, but lately the whole critical thing. and the fact that what he thinks women should do post divorce is a negative as well. i go out to hear my friend's kids in a band and i am suddenly a bandwhore and drinking myself to death.

Sure there is someone out there who can both snuggle, fish, ride, loves raisin bread and Canadian bands and also lives in the present.

Thank you twohawks for the healing touch. i am sheltered for now. and sad. but not obsessed.

If it wasn't for Mic'khel, i would not know how to open and love. i do not regret loving him. it was the right thing to do.

Please do not let me fall

Wednesday 3 of 5

Two keeping each other warm. The lastest go around with mylion on Friday night. Clothes scattered everywhere. improv from the minute i walked in the door, and i didn't want to stop to go pee zoot bad so i couldn't cum. but i don't feel secure with him anymore so giving up an orgasm is impossible anyway.. how fucked up is that?

Two major statements, " I am not afraid of you" "you knew we weren't going to live together anyway"

and the one that i hang on to, He shakes his head afterwards and says, "Wheww, what would it be like waking up to that every morning, every day?"

Yet Richard (ALPHA COUNSELING) on Monday night helped shed light on the syndrome i fell into.
Desperately seeking distance and perspective from this living heartache.

the topic of emotional neglect and the need to be touched means i haven't a clue still. even after all those years of learning, of trying.

oh sister ellen, what a blessing you are to me.
help me get through this awful time !
your wry humorous resignation comes in handy.
The fear factors and lack of security for me are the tools the enemy works with
i know that i am so vulnerable right now. and so does everyone else.
you speak so directly to the things that mean the heart of me and i am blessed.

i talked to Al A. last night. he is drugged to the max so he doesn't feel. he told me about Sue's death in the ER story in a flat tone of voice. like he needs to repeat it over and over again. and he agreed to call Daniel. i got a horrible anxiety-inducing phone call from Dan. i am afraid he may commit suicide over the whole Eli and the housepayment thing. He choked up and said, "I love you deeply, Elizabeth and i am so sorry."
what the fuck am i supposed to do with that>? i do love danny, he is/was my husband. a eternal connection. Like mylion said, "I had to keep myself from reaching for that phone even after 4 years." Why didn't he. Lu..... was his wife of his youth!

But when the 'feelings' wear off, would he stop lying to me? or drinking?
i get the sense of loss. i lost the man in my life i could barely rely on for basics. it wore me out. trust and security and touch. he stole it from me. i steel my resolve with that thin blanket because part of me wants ti to be all better no matter what..

and like Jenny at work said to me y esterday, "I am changed. i will never be the same" about going through this kind of thing with her son who is like eli and a messy angry divorce.
god, living is so not worth this crap.

the hard part is the overnight bag. letting go of the season of being angry freed and sexy. the delight in being a woman for the first time. the touch of you on me, in me. you were my first and last. there is no next. what a gift of touch and healing. The overnight bag will sit in my closet with the hoodie in it and a note to my children about its meaning, so that when i die someone will know that i loved you truely and that you touched me as no man ever did before or since. love you baby

christians, fire and lions ~

What? you mean i am not a "praying mantis?"

“When I expressed interest, she declined because she felt she had said too much. There is a line that people don't want or shouldn't cross. The phenomenon of transference is something psychiatrists are schooled on but sometimes are guilty of abusing. I would warn you that telling me too much can cause you to develop feelings about me that you might not have if you and I were to meet for coffee and a stroll. When you share of your soul, the sharing soul attempts to bind with the other. The risk is that the quality or integrity of the other soul could be manipulative or dishonest. As humans, we can't avoid that need to bind, so we take risks. I understand your need, but I also want to make sure you are conscious of what you are doing.”

a cautionary tale of a year of journaling.

i love the feel of a new page. I love having something real to say. I love the tang of a rope and the caress of lips.

i hate the weary travail of pages trodden down

by fear anger disarray.

I hate that i have panic attacks over that mane of a man. he feels like my husband. not a transference, but a true husbandry, negatives and all.

and the twohawks wants me to firewalk on the second of May at the farm. would that i had the focus..

i was dumped this week becaue i have a downer attitude.

oooooooooooookay. yup. me.

no lover has touched my face but one. ahhhnok. please god give me hope or an obit.

panic attacks. i am home today and jsut got through having one that lasted a goodly twohours. it wears me out. i know it won't last forever, but the awful pressure in my chest and the tears jsut take me by storm. over whatever, money, love, kids. it ruins my day..

vaguely vaginic
completely ignoring my broken back for right now. and the illegal and adoramus use ofthe word "evocative"
my last lover who is at hiatus right now**shrugs** often blindfolded me in the beginning. so i would use my senses. last week, when i walked into his house i literally had to bury my nose in the hollow of his neck. and then again i had to nip him good under the chin, since he is a Leo..Venus in Taurus i think.
yeah, so much more. smell is very powerful. it is the shadow sense. the basest of pherome flummery